OUTCRY OVER DEVELOPMENT OF HAYLE'S SECRET NUCLEAR CAPABILITY

by special undercover correspondent, Nancy Botterell

A furore has broken out over false claims by the People's Republic of Hayle that they will 'achieve Carbon Neutrality through the application of Nuclear power'. In fact, it has now come to light that Hayle's nuclear explorations have a more sinister intent than mere power generation.

The border between Relubbus and Hayle has often been the scene of sporadic outbreaks of violence. It is now feared that Hayle's foray into the world of nuclear power will strain tensions to breaking point and push the two neighbouring, but hostile, states into a full-scale war.

Pictured on the left is Hayle's grim Stalinist leader, a Mummy's boy and maverick hairstylist, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), who, with the help of his only foreign ally - North Korea - has been building a 'nuclear establishment' at Treeve Lane in Hayle.

Ventongimps, who likes to be known as 'the Leader', seeks to create an atmosphere of mystery about himself. However, the Roundup has succeeded in embedding one of its top undercover writers in his entourage. She - for it is a lady - has now returned from her assignment and can be revealed to be none other than St Agnes born Nancy Botterell ( 34).

Nancy pictured on the far left as she usually appears is a mistress of disguise and transformed herself into the alluring piece of man-bait on the near-left as she assumed the persona of barmaid Rita Rosewarne (21). Dressed to kill as Rita, Nancy soon attracted the unwelcome but necessary attentions of the Leader.

Over several pints of babycham, Nancy was able to uncover various facts.

Firstly, the Leader is extremely sensitive about his hairstyle and has banned the use of the words 'combover' and 'wig'.

Secondly, the Leader suffers - thankfully, as far as Nancy is concerned - from a pronounced form of erectile dysfunction.

Thirdly, the nuclear plant in Treeve Lane has nothing to do with Hayle's announced bid to become carbon neutral but has everything to do with the production of nuclear weapons.

Nancy has returned with photos of the huge installation at Treeve Lane, which is cleverly disguised as a cottage. On the inside, the various chambers include one which is made up to look like a standard nuclear power station control room (shown near left). However, one does not have to go far to discover sinister sealed chambers.

Inside these ghostly chambers captured holidaymakers (usually seized at Hayle Towans but sometimes snatched from as far afield as Carbis Bay), labour away on a starvation diet of reject Warren's pasties and, with no further protection that the swimwear they were seized in, toil to produce deadly nuclear weapons.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (79) was outraged at the news of Hayle's desperate attempt to join the nuclear club, of which Relubbus is, of course, already a member. Shaking with rage and exasperation, he stated, "The 'ole purpose of a Club is tuh keep people out, not to let the buggers in. If that combover calamity from 'Ayle don't step down, we shall 'ave to mek one o' they pre-emptive strikes!!"

The news has sent the CDSE (Connor Downs Stock Exchange) and other significant Exchanges around the world plunging downwards. A sinister quiet of foreboding has descended upon the mean streets of the People's Republic of Hayle. Troops along both sides of the border between Relubbus and Hayle are on 24 hour alert. The world is holding its breath.