CHAVVY CADS BEATEN BY BUNTS!

Court Report
By our Legal Correspondent Horton “Gone or ‘ere?” Polkinghorne

Morvah Pendennis (17) and Dennis Penmorvran (18) both of Colinsey Road, Treneere, Penzance are pictured here in jovial mood prior to their court appearance.

They appeared today before Chief Justice Mr Caxter Bunt at Relubbus Central Court on charges of breaking and entry, attempted burglary and of ‘interfering’ with Doris, the pet Llama kept by Mr Cadfael Bunt (58), a farmer with small holdings at Lower Bostraze.

The prosecution, led by Miss Fanny Bunt, maintains that, under cover of darkness, the pair gained entry into Mr Bunt’s house and made their way upstairs. The police report recorded that the boys, one of whom, Dennis, likes to call himself Goky and who dresses as a girl, admitted that “we woz lookin’ fer jewels.”

It is at this point that the stories of Mr Bunt and the boys sharply diverge.

The boys’ story continues thus. Hearing strange noises emanating from a room displaying the name ‘Doris’, the boys became curious and slowly opened the door on to a dim candle-lit scene.

The candle, described by Morvah as “one o’ they rude-shaped ones”, gave off a sickly overpowering smell, but did little to illuminate the room. Pink seemed to be the predominant colour of all fixtures and fittings.

Mr Bunt had his back turned to the boys and seemed to be wearing a blue nightshirt pulled up around his waist. Groaning occasionally, his knees bent regularly in a rhythmic dipping motion.

Doris, who was dolled up to the nines in pink apparel, stood directly in front of Mr Bunt and similarly had her back to the boys as well as to Mr Bunt. The picture on the left is taken from Mr Bunt's website, "Loving Llamas".

Doris made a strange snuffing sound from time to time. A Lonny Donegan hit, “Diggin’ my potatoes” from 1956 on the Decca label, was playing on the radiogram. The boys had intruded upon a very self-absorbed scene.

Opening the door a little wider caused it to squeak loudly. Mr Bunt pulled back from whatever activity he was engaged in and turned round, whereupon the boys realised that he had blacked up as though in preparation for an appearance on the Black and White Minstrel Show.

For overseas readers who may not know it, The Black and White Minstrel Show is a hugely popular TV show, which can be viewed on Relubbus Television at 6.55 pm on Saturdays - next Saturday's special star guest is Barack Obama!!).

Bunt ran to an interconnecting door to another room, ripped it open, went inside and slammed the door behind him. Doris, clearly upset by the commotion, began to make a mess on the floor.

The boys heard demented cries from the other room: “My bleddy brother’s a judge - you say anything about this and you buggers’ll go to jail!!”

Quickly perceiving that an evening of gentle light crime might entail more than a few difficulties for them, the pair bolted down the stairs to make good their escape, closely followed by Bunt, who by now was waving a loaded shotgun in the air.

Miss Fanny Bunt, for the prosecution, gives a completely different account and maintains that her cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, was fast asleep in his bed when the pair arrived.

Doris, who is just one of his Llamas, had been feeling under the weather. He was concerned for her and decided to bring her into the house, so that he could keep a better eye on her.

Mr Bunt’s wife, Doris, had died some three years before but he had kept her things and thought that he would make the Llama – coincidentally also called Doris – extra comfortable by dressing her up in some of Doris’s things. This he had done and had repaired to bed.

He was awoken some while later by shouting and bleating and peered into Doris’ room to find a scene of chaos. He maintains that one of the boys was holding Doris steady, whilst the other was “shagging’ ‘er senseless”. He grabbed his shotgun and drove them off.

The police, led by Chief Inspector Colin Bunt (known to his colleagues as Bolin) said that they had found undeniable DNA evidence that one of the boys had been engaged as his cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, had maintained. This DNA evidence had afterwards sadly gone missing, but Mr Justice Caxter Bunt said that he was more than happy to rely on the good word of the Relubbus Police.

Mr Cadfael Bunt’s computer was afterwards found to be full of pornographic photos involving llamas and Mr Caxter Bunt fully accepted Mr Colin Bunt’s assertion that these ‘obnoxious photos’ had been placed there by the two boys to put the police off the scent.

Listening to all the evidence, Mr Justice Caxter Bunt stated that he had been horrified by the details of this case and that he had no hesitation in ‘sending down’ the two boys for a minimum of 35 years each. His sole regret was that the option of capital punishment or, at the very least, transportation to the colonies for life was no longer open to him.

Very pleased with the outcome, Mr Cadfael Bunt extended an invitation to Mr Justice Bunt, Miss Fanny Bunt and Mr Colin Bunt to join him and Doris for a slap-up family dinner that evening to celebrate.

The picture on the left shows some of the Bunts featured in this story. On the extreme left is Lavinia Nudd, a family friend. At the back are Cadfael and Caxter and in the front are Colin and Fanny.

As they were taken away to face a long sentence in the dreaded Prospidnick jail, the two boys yelled out “ You lot are nothing but a bunch o’….”, but their words faded away.