ADVICE CORNER

Life is becoming ever more complex and more and more people find themselves compelled to seek out professional help so that they can deal with the ever more difficult demands placed upon them.

Mindful that its readers have 100% confidence in its utterances and guidance, the Roundup has accordingly pulled together a starred panel of experts to guide and advise our readers through some of life’s more difficult questions.

Readers are invited to write in to seek the advice of our unique pool of talent. Our panel of experts is at hand to provide advice on a range of matters running from health to wealth, from hairdressing to finance. We have invited our experts to introduce themselves to you. So meet the experts!

HEALTH Dr Brenda Tonkin (57) -- pictured here at a health conference in the Caribbean sponsored by British American Tobacco -- is at hand to deal with any worries you may have about matters of health.

In particular, she is keen to dispel many of the modern health myths which add to the misery of many poor folk. She describes herself as a lady who enjoys a drink or two and who knows how to appreciate the liberating effects that an Old Shag from St Bruno can have.

She is a strong opponent of gyms which, she maintains, cause untold impact injuries and weaken the structure of the body rather than improve it. She is a fierce critic of ‘rabbit food’ and the health freaks who advocate it. She believes that breakfast is the key meal of the day. For her, it should be a good fry up every time, including a good bit of 'ogs puddin’.

Brenda is totally opposed to post-marital sex and finds ginger hair utterly repugnant. Brenda is keen to offer advice to all, but she will particularly welcome approaches from amputees.

MENTAL HEALTH Kaspar Lesnoweth (just 3 months old) is the exceedingly clever genius of the psychiatric world. Being super-intelligent, Kaspar obtained degrees in Mathematics, Physics, Greek, Latin, Russian, Mandarin Chinese, Medicine, Psychiatry, History, and No 1s and No 2s (although he still is in nappies) -- all before reaching the age of 2 months.

Bringing an entirely fresh young mind to the subject of psychiatry, he adopts a radical approach to what he terms ‘mental abewwations’. He firmly believes that anyone less intelligent than he is needs to be ‘exterminated by a dalek’.

Patients who are prepared to tickle his stomach are permitted to be spared ‘as they might be useful’. No matter how depressed a person may be, Kaspar will be pleased to play with anyone.

HAIRDRESSING Tracey Polkinghorne (27) used to be a senior stylist at Shelley’s of St Just before she moved into ‘hair consultancy’. Tracey considers that the artistry of hairdressing is under-rated when compared to its rightful sister arts of poetry and music.

She prides herself on being able to merge all three when having rap music playing while she is undertaking one of her creations for a client. Yes, she confides that she still does do the odd bit of clipping in a garage behind Newlyn Bridge, because she needs the hands-on experience to re-enervate her consulting muscle.

However, she is happiest dispensing the fruits of her accumulated hairdressing wisdom in magazines around the world, foremost amongst which are the Relubbus Roundup and the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. She is also in negotiations with the Luxembourg paper, Zeitung vum Lëtzebuerger Vollek, which will be syndicating her column for a sum believed to be in excess of £7.50 a month.

Tracey will be there for you to deal with all the tricky questions, such as how to turn gray hair into pink or blue and, for the men, how to get a combover that will turn heads.

FINANCE Horton Baragwaneth (45) is one of the few world financiers whose reputations remain untarnished following recent turmoil in the financial world. His oft-repeated maxim of “Keep’n in cash an’ keep ‘n under the mattress” has finally proved to have resonance for all.

The millions of folk who have invested in the stockmarket have seen their investments plummet in value by around a third, whereas Horton’s £27 nest egg retains all the purchasing power it had 27 years ago – apart from inflation, of course. However, as he says “You kent win ‘em all, canee? Least I ebbn lost nuthin!”

Horton famously has another £75 hidden in his garden hedge, although no-one has been able to find it. He styles this his hedge fund. Horton will be providing invaluable advice to all those facing any financial crisis.

PASSING OVER Douglas Penberthy (19) comes from a long line of undertakers and, like any apprentice, he has worked his way up through the family firm, having had a go at every single job so that he would be a true expert.

He says, “I’ve done it all – dug the pits, made the boxes, washed the stiffs, tidied them up to make them presentable for the loved ones, driven the stiffmobile, done the slow walk, carried the box – full and empty – serviced the incinerator, been on the ‘sincere, but glum’ course, managed the budgets and taken the cash. I can do it all!”

This is just as well, as his father is now serving a prison stretch for ‘certain irregularities’ which occurred when he was preparing a corpse, having forgotten first to put his trousers on. Douglas can advise on any aspect of the practicalities of ‘passing over’.

PLUMBING AND GOALKEEPING Lester Bramnoweth (35) is the legendary goalkeeper for top West Penwith football team Richmond Rangers, who play at the St Clare ground in Penzance.

With Bramnoweth’s help, the Rangers have set a new record (10 unbroken years!) for clinging to the bottom position of the South West Peninsula League.

Lester also holds the record for letting in the most goals during any one match, with an astounding total of 326. As he modestly declares “I couldna dunovun without my teammates!”

In addition to this, he is the lead apprentice in the Tremethick Cross mega plumbing empire of Jimmy Addicoat, where he has specialised in the field of difficult bathroom tap washers. Lester is a sound and competent voice in both plumbing and goalkeeping.