CARS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

The Roundup has visited the premises of Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors to view the prestige car models for the coming year. As usual, the gleaming new motors will be available only to people in Relubbus up until March, then released to others in Kernow, before being released from June onwards to the benighted souls who inhabit other shores, including those of Pow Saws.

Our Motoring Correspondent, Doug (“Dopey”) Opie, has received the usual invitation to the spacious premises of the Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors (Quadruple K/M) to have a preview of the car models set to become a must-have accessory for the Relubbus multi-millionnaire.

Along with the other four hundred members of the Relubbus motoring press pack, Dopey was treated to a slap-up saffron bun and tea welcome before the viewing of the cars took place.

When this was over, they moved on to view the ‘pride of the pack’ of this year’s cars, the Karnyorth EkoKar, pictured left, with an admiring Dopey alongside.

Despite its costly eco-friendly attributes, this Kar retails at a mere £37,000. It is a “one-seater” and is powered by whoever sits in it, since it has NO ENGINE at all. It therefore consumes no fuel and emits no toxins or particulates whatsoever – APART from whatever the driver might personally emit by means of flatulence.

It has no windscreen, no wipers, no water use at all. However, it does have natural ‘air cooling’. It is made entirely of light UNPAINTED wood. The seat is an unadorned wooden board, which has been expertly planed to ensure that there are no splinters. Accordingly – in view of all these attributes – it can be justly claimed that this Kar leads the way in terms of reduced environmental impact and luxurious comfort. The pedal propulsion (i.e. by foot – with NO mechanics at all – think Flintstone) permits speeds of 2 – 3 miles per hour along flat roads and attainment of dizzying speeds down Paul Hill, although this route should be avoided as there are neither brakes nor steering wheel. Interested environmentalist parties are advised to get in quick as demand is expected to be high.

The next motor is a ‘hot’ machine. Again, it is a one-seater, but it is built unashamedly to attain the highest speeds for the driver and, as the designer, Landshark Treglown says, “Bugger the environment!” This sleek dream-machine is called the “Loveday” and will be available at an on-the-road price of £152,000. Capable of 0-60 in just 3 hours, the Loveday (which has to be followed by a tanker to keep its fuel topped up) is expected to be popular with the rich young singles of Relubbus, who want to make a ‘style statement’.

Regarded as the coolest motor to be brought to market since the ‘Trevaskis Landshark”, the Loveday will be the car to be seen in down fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The next new vehicle is in a completely different category – the people carrier. Called the “Charabanc”, it is capable of transporting 36 people all at once – apart from the driver, who alone is seated. Some might claim that safety has been compromised in this design, but the designers are happy to re-assure that the entire interior has been cushioned with thick layers of expensive asbestos so as to prevent injury when emergency stops have to be made, as well as to protect passengers in the event of unforeseen hazards arising from the unusual use of acetylene as a fuel. The Charabanc is a necessary utilitarian workhorse people-carrier and retails at a mere £25,000.

One of the biggest stirs has been caused by “The Denzil”, which heralds the advent of an entirely new vehicular concept –the under water vehicle. Extensively ‘road-tested’ in Mounts Bay, it is a vehicle targeted at those who wish to cross between the mainland and islands such as the Scillies or, even St Michael’s Mount at high tide. It is very heavily weighted and, once one has driven out into the water, there is no chance of floating to the surface.

There is still some fine-tuning to be done as far as facilitation of breathing under water goes and there is also some urgent last minute thinking to be done on underwater propulsion, since the ‘road-tests’ were achieved by a tow-rope attached to a fishing boat. However, these little ‘issues’ have not dissuaded some 5,700 young Relubbus men-about-town from putting in advance orders for the vehicles, which will retail at £140,000.

The ‘Bowjey Ball’ is the name of the economy-priced family car, which will sell for as little as £31. It is equipped with a lawn mower motor and comes with two seats, one of which can be removed if more passengers are to be squeezed in. In tests, the Bowjey was found to be able to accommodate one driver plus one adult and two medium-sized teenagers at a very tight squeeze and with the doors shut with outside assistance. Despite the manifest intention to avoid cost in this family car, there has been some concession towards the modern fascination with in-car gadgetry, since the driver’s door has a hole, into which a pen or toothbrush might be inserted.

The last car is the ‘Tremethick’, which is a blatant call to the young, red-blooded and loaded playboy. This Italian-styled car comes complete with every luxury and accessory you can possibly think of – including a free blonde called Tracey. The car has a transistor radio in the back and the front both to create a stereo effect and to permit passengers in front and back to listen to different Cornish Radio stations. The back seat can be converted into a bed and also into a Jacuzzi. Furthermore, using the luggage space as well, the back can be converted into a tennis court or football pitch. At the front there are also three cupholders. We could continue to sing the praises of this wonderful car, but – priced as it is at £1,500,000 - it likely to be beyond the reach of most people in Relubbus.

In our last motoring article we had a competition, which had the new Bowjey Ball as it’s prize.

We are pleased to show a picture of the winners. Pictured are Joycie Tresidder (27) and her two brothers – Bert (29) on the left and ‘Poop’ (19) on the right.

The Tresidders, who all speak with fake American accents although they have spent their entire lives in St Buryan, are overjoyed at their win! Said Joycie, "I am overjoyed, I am!"