KGB TARGETS SPARGO

The Roundup has incontrovertible evidence that the Russian secret service, the Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti (FSB) -- which in the Soviet era was known as the KGB -- has targeted Councillor Billy Spargo (93), the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Last week, the infamous Andrei Lugovoi (17, shown left), whom the Crown Prosecution Service believes to be responsible for the murder of the ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in November 2006, was spotted in the Post Office of the People's Republic of Hayle, applying for a visa to enter Greater Relubbus.


The Roundup's undercover reporters in the People's Republic tell us that Lugovoi also hired a top-of-the-range Landshark limousine, with a steel-reinforced chassis and bullet-proof windows, with which to make the journey to Relubbus.

This week, Mr Spargo (23) complained of feeling "unwell", a day after he had been "jostled" in Boswedden Lane by a man carrying an umbrella, the tip of which (he said) had grazed his thigh. Rushed by ambulance to Prospidnick's King Doniert Hospital, Mr Spargo was found to be suffering from a form of radiation sickness induced by the ingestion of a radioactive substance, namely polonium 210. The latter is the same substance allegedly used by Mr Lugovoi to poison Mr Litvinenko.

It is hardly surprising, following his recent outspoken attack on the Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin (left), that the FSB should target Councillor Spargo in this way.

However, the day after being rushed to hospital Mr Spargo appeared to have made a full recovery and declared himself to be "right as rain". In a statement to reporters, he declared:

"I bin born 'n brought up in Cornwall, so no bleddy radiation is gonna see me off. I duh live in a granite 'ouse in a granite land an' I bin breathin' in radon gas all me life. I'm bleddy immune tuh radiation!"

He went on to threaten retaliation against the Russians, and against Mr Putin in particular, who he said was "behind all this". He said that he would be dispatching units of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek, to Moscow. Their mission, he said, would be to "shove a capsule of radon gas up Putin's arse! Le's see 'ow 'ee likes 'un!"