DUCHY'S SURPRISE UNDERGROUND RAIL NETWORK FOR CORNWALL!!

Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.

The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.

The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.

The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.

According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”

A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.

Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.

Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.

This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.

A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.

Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.

Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):

Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!

Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””

Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”

Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!