UK POLITICS REVIEW - DEFIANT GORDON INSISTS HE'S GOT BALLS!!

Barely stabilised by the comfort blanket of the trappings of power in Downing Street, Gordon Brown refused to recognise the growing rolling force of the polling figures, which place his Labour Party at its worst ever standing since the days of Keir Hardy.

As the full extent of the woodworm of corruption in Labour’s body politic was revealed, even disgraced Government Ministers have been thinking out loud about life after parliament and politics.

Hazel Blears, who recently failed in her attempt to secure a post with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is now set to bring out a book entitled “Motor Cycle Maintenance on Expenses”, whilst Alisdair Darling (pictured here in one of his eccentric toilet photographs) is also bringing out his own tax guide entitled ‘Capital Gains Tax and Flipping Houses’.

However, it is now believed that Brown has been forced to accept that the time has come to say “farewell Darling”. This will be achieved in a major re-shuffle to be announced later this week.

Despite a failed attempt to lure Archie Trezise (84), bookkeeper for Shelley’s Hair & Beauty at St Just, to be the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, Brown is said to be reasonably content to have to fall back on his No.2 choice, Ed Balls, the 12-year-old short-trousered gofer in the Schools Ministry, to take on the job.

Although Balls (pictured here playing after school with his best mate 'Angela' Burnham) is known to have learning difficulties -- particularly where arithmetic is concerned -- he is very loyal and ‘respectful’, where Brown is concerned, always referring to him as "Sir".

In a desperate attempt to appeal to the country with a re-shuffled government of all the talents to keep himself in a job and in funds, Brown is known to have approached several ‘big names’. His dream cabinet would include “The Lone Ranger’ at the Foreign Office, assisted by ‘Tonto’ (stage name Hughie Green) as Home Secretary, Lassie the Dog as Defence Minister, and Pinkie and Perkie to take on the Health and Education briefs.

Apparently, no one has had the heart to tell poor old Gordy that these dreams are not realisable, because these personages are no more.

However, all is not exactly well in the Tory camp either. The Tory Boy Eton Shadow cabinet (which still practises ‘fagging’) is apparently led by a ‘David Cameron’.

However the Roundup can exclusively reveal that DNA analysis has shown that Cameron is none other than an old - yes, very old - Tory friend.

Underneath the copious make-up, one can clearly see that he is nothing other than Sir Alec Douglas Home. The Tories seem to be serving up warmed-up Old Etonians, behind a two-man diversionary shield of Tubby Pickles and Baldie Hague, in the hope that we will not notice this blatant attempt by ‘the ruling class’ to re-assert their seigneurial rights over the people.

The ‘plausible alternative’ cover of the Liberals was blown by ex-leader Minger Campbell (209), when he claimed on Question Time that non-adherence to the House of Commons rules was explained by the fact that they were ‘just guidance’. New Leader, Click Nugg (17) has been desperate to try to scramble past that dreadful sentence, which wrecked a lifetime in politics for old Minger. Nugg has desperately tried to get to some higher ground, but, alas, all in vain.

Then there are the fringe parties. Foremost amongst these for sheer eccentricity is UKIP, led by fanatic mental patient, ‘nervous’ Nigel Barrage. ‘Nervous’ is kept near stable by the efforts and entire chemical output of Glaxo Smithkline. However, so tenuous is his link to the realms of normal human consciousness that no one but other folk mentally maintained by chemical outputs can be expected to favour him and his odd crew.

The BNP was almost not mentioned at all here following a fatwah to that effect by the Methodist Fundamentalist Bishop of Relubbus, His Proper Job Eminence Ernie Penrose. However, since the Bloody Nazi Party (BNP) will be fielding candidates in the forthcoming elections, we feel that it must be covered.

Since the benighted folk (pictured is the leader they really wish to have) who vote BNP have not noticed that there is no longer a Reichstag, representation within which they are ‘fighting’ for, any idiot who wishes to support them may feel free to do so, although this may not (but probably will) qualify them for residential treatment in a secure home.

This leaves the Green Party, led by the ultra-photogenic Laroline Cukas, who advocates replacing airplanes with hot air balloons. Providing that the balloons are two-person vehicles and that my ‘driver’ will be Laroline, they would get my vote.

But that is all academic, since I am a proud and happy citizen of Spargo’s Relubbus!!