ECOHOMES – GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS!

The Roundup has been investigating the recent proposals for the construction of thousands of ecohomes in Cornwall, a place long plagued with a chronic shortage of housing.

One proposal foresees the building of over 5,000 homes in the St Austell area over a period from 2012 -2025. It is envisaged that some 40-50 percent will be what is described as “affordable”.

The company behind the proposal, Twiddle and Snatchit, (whose plush Paris headquarters are pictured left) were reluctant to disclose what this questionable term ‘affordable’ meant.

When the Roundup, for the fortieth time and using thumbscrews for good measure, pressed their spokesman for a reportable response, he eventually confessed that it would mean that it would be affordable to a hard-working family, provided that both parents were doctors of consultant status.

The 50% to 60% of new homes not designated as “affordable” would apparently be beyond the economic reach of the above-described hard-working family, even with the two consultants working round the clock.

This frankly lunatic proposal takes no account of the immediate need such housing creates for a supportive infrastructure of health provision, education support, employment prospects and transport connections.

Fortunately this is not the only proposal. Trewern Builders Limited are targeting the local population with the offer of very affordable homes for locals in small developments near existing towns and hamlets with access to the necessary supporting infrastructure.

The homes will be available to rent, so says owner Madron Trewern for a weekly sum of only ‘Thirty bob a week”. Houses will also be available for sale at a cost of £4,500, with 120% mortgages available from Trewern Builders Limited.

These special houses will only be available to good folk of Cornish ‘extraction or inclination’, who work in Cornwall or who are looking for work in Cornwall and who are earning at or below the LOCAL average wage.

Mr Trewern, a respected Relubbus businessman of considerable personal wealth, is believed to be making this offer to encourage other wealthy Cornish names to provide similar support to the people of the land.

The environmental credentials of these houses are impeccably high. They draw all power and heat from the soil, the sun and the wind. Their water is from the rain and is recycled. All waste can be is recycled.

It has now come to our attention that the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall, who have recently been shamed by the exposure of their huge environmental footprint, have decided to sell up all their other housing and to move to an ordinary Trewern home in Camborne. The Duke and Duchess are also said to be realising almost their entire wealth and putting the cash into the Trewern scheme to provide affordable homes for Cornish people.

With the hand-wringing so typical of the Duke, he recently confessed to our reporter ("over a mug of tea, just like working people!") that he hoped that this action would restore his standing with the good people of Cornwall, whose support he intended henceforth to earn.

It is understood that the Duke will be taking up a job as a janitor and groundsman at a local school, whilst his wife, the Duchess will be delivering ‘Meals on Wheels’.