EVER THOUGHT OF BECOMING A SPY, AVEE?

In a firm and daring break with the past, the Relubbus Intelligence Agencies, known as LI5 and LI6, have contacted the Relubbus Roundup in order to attract new members of staff. In the past, recruitment to these mysterious, much-feared and highly secretive agencies was made by personal approach only.

No ordinary citizens have been able to gain entry to their formidable building situated on the River Lowen on the outskirts of Relubbus towards Prospidnick.

LI 5 (Local Intelligence 5 or sometimes just ‘five’) is concerned with identifying and containing threats within Relubbus, working closely with the Relubbus police.

LI 6 (also known as the Very Secret Intelligent Service (VSIS) or ‘six’) conducts all operations outside Relubbus and frequently works closely with the officers of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC).
Both agencies come under the direct control of one ‘Donkey’ Clemo, who can, according to his wife’s recent surprise and quickly removed entry in Facebook, frequently be found drinking in the Bath Inn, Penzance (pictured left). ‘Donkey’ is the only known name amongst the employees of the agencies.

Six new recruits – three for each agency – will be required in this year’s intake. The rewards for getting through the arduous selection process are well worthwhile.

Trainee spies are given a generous starting salary of £9,500, rising to £10,500 in little over 15 years.

Each spy receives a free notebook and pencil. They also receive an overcoat with large lapels and a trilby hat (as on the left)to help avoid being recognised.

Furthermore they are also equipped with a free pair of sunglasses.

However these are no ordinary sunglasses. These special ones (obtained from Bosher Thomas' sweetshop in Penzance) contain an earpiece and a microphone so that, once small enough batteries have been invented and can be fitted, clandestine conversations will be possible.

As a last ‘clinching’ inducement to sign up, all employees are given a special storecard, which entitles them each month to £30 worth of goods from RC Oates Very Basic Essentials range.

But, in order to earn this treasure trove of goodies, just what do the candidates have to be able to offer? A special sort of person is sought for Secret Service work and they must be able to demonstrate the following:

Linguistic Skills. ‘Goin down Newlyn’ or ‘over Newlyn’??!!! (pictured here in a beautiful photograph taken by an operayive of the Relubbus Secret Services).

An acute ear for correct Cornish Speech is imperative, if one is to be able to both blend in with the population and flush out spies.

(Only last year an English spy was stupid enough to get caught trying to go ‘down St Just’ from Penzance!!!!!)

Mobility. Candidates are required to be able to move around Cornwall both quickly and unobserved. They would be required to be able to recall the British Rail timetable for the WHOLE of Cornwall and to quote chapter and verse on all Western National Bus Schedules.

(In ‘six’, employees are working outside Cornwall and candidates should also be aware that they might be called upon to undertake a clandestine tour of service in hostile environments such as the People’s Republic of Hayle).

Practical tradecraft skills. For obvious reasons, not too much information is given out on this subject, but the following gives a flavour of required skills:

Ability to repair a bicycle puncture – without light – in the pitch dark.

Ability to be able to sneak up on people unobserved.

Ability to ‘take out’ the pencil and write detailed and coherent notes in the notebook – in all weathers - without being observed. Being able to accurately describe how people look, behave and smell.

Unarmed combat. Candidates should be able to give a convincing rendition of the traditional Cornish challenge “Lookin fer a smack in the mouth, areee?”

Candidates should be aware that, should they be successful, they will immediately be required to attend an intensive 2 day training course at a secret underground installation at Wheal Cock, near Botallack (pictured left). They should therefore turn up with a pasty large enough to sustain them for that period of time.

Anyone interested in joining the Relubbus Secret Services should report – in person – at 9.00 am sharp next Tuesday at the Benefit Offices next to Orlando Angove’s Pet Shop, 23, Boswedden Lane, Relubbus.

Candidates should ‘blend in’ with the waiting customers of the Benefits Office, but are advised to wear one brown and one black shoe to aid identification. (One legged applicants are asked to wear one white shoe.)