UPROAR UP CHAPEL!!

On Thursday evening, crowds of worshippers flocked to what should have been just another ordinary choir practice at the 50,000 seater Methodist Central Hall in Boswedden Lane, when news leaked out of a dramatic spat between a worship leader and the organist at this centre of Cornish Methodism.

Choir practice is usually attended by just the 400 strong choir. However, news of serious altercations between two leading figures attracted a crowd of several thousand concerned and curious Methodists.

Worship Leader, Agnes Penberthy (91) of Colinsey Road, Penzance is alleged by one witness (Maude Tregellis, (89)) to have given a “poke in the eye” to the organist, Madron Tregellis, because he had disagreed with her choice of hymns and refused to play the music for them, which led to a protracted and heated exchange of un-Christian expressions, culminating in the alleged poke.

According to Ms Penberthy’s civil partner, Audrey Hicks (79), Mr Tregellis (pictured here on the left) yelled out, “I aren’t gunna ‘ave she ‘it me li’ gat!” before striking her across the face.

Ms Hicks then admits that she “laid into that bugger Tregellis with my stick till ‘ee went ovver!”

Ms Tregellis (the organist’s sister) confessed “I lost it completely when that cow ‘it my brother with ‘er stick and tha’s why I bit ‘er ear off!”

An unseemly all-in geriatric fight ensued, which was only broken up by the timely arrival of officers of the Relubbus police.

When informed of the event, the Minister, His Holiness Methuselah Metherell (70) decreed that this unseemly disagreement in the House of the Lord could not be put to rights in the civil courts, but that it must be sorted out where it started ‘Up Chapel’.

Thus the scene was set for the intended great reconciliation at choir practice on Thursday evening, which drew the huge crowds.

Under the fearsome eye of the Minister, the sinning duo of organist and worship leader approached the pulpit in a numbing silence transfused with the tingling pent up excitement of the thousands of onlookers. Then, unable to contain her anger management problem any longer, Ms Hicks yelled out, “Gwon Agnes, whack the bugger again!”

As if she had been waiting for the cue, Ms Penberthy (pictured here in happier days) drew back her walking stick as if to strike a blow and, in so doing, overbalanced and fell hard against a pew, knocking herself out.

The booming sound of Minister Metherell's bass voice then rang out across the mass of startled faces, "Es yo, behold the Lord 'ave spoke!!"

Peace then descended upon the chapel again.