RELUBBUS JUDICIAL SYSTEM CELEBRATED THROUGHOUT WORLD

What makes the Relubbus judicial system the envy of the world?

Our legal correspondent, Tommy 'Asbo' Trezise (31), makes a, for him, unusually sober assessment which he shares with us here:

At the 196th novennial International Judicial Symposium held in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, assembled luminaries of the legal world all concluded that the Relubbus judicial sytem was unparalleled in its innovative approach, its fairness and equity and, above all, in its effectiveness.

The symposium is unique amongst international gatherings in that all its proceedings are conducted in the 'silver' latin of Tacitus.

This remains true today, despite fierce attempts in the 1950s to introduce the latin of Caesar (pictured left) , whose clipped and cuttingly accurate prose was held to be a much more appropriate vehicule for discussion of the law.

It further saw off, a little more easily, later attempts in the 1970s to adopt the lofty language of high Ciceronian address. 

It was thus in the more comfortable medium of the latin of Tacitus that legal systems from across the world were discussed in Vaduz -- with the conclusion that in Relubbus the pinnacle of judicial excellence had been reached.

Some of the judges involved in reaching this decision can be seen on the left leaving the Methodist Cathedral in Vaduz after morning prayers on the final day of the 10 week conference.

Visitors to Relubbus are often taken aback by one of the most startling differences between practice here and elsewhere in the world.

Every word and every sentence heard in the Relubbbus courts is sung and not spoken.

Each day a tune is selected from the Methodist Hymn Book and every word uttered must follow the tune of that selected hymn.

This practice dates back to the 18th century, when inveterate stammerer,  Madron Trembath (82), was called upon to give evidence.  Whilst Madron was sadly known to take up to twenty minutes to say so much as "Gordhewer da", yet he could sing as fluently and as beautifully as a nightingale.

Mr Justice Horton Behenna then gave him special dispensation  to present his evidence in song.  It later became apparent that singing brought other advantages as well.

When one is concentrating on following a tune, it becomes more difficult to dissemble or lie - the increased mental focus thus gives rise to more honest utterances.  With keen Methodist judges in control of the Relubbus courts, it was not long until they ruled that everyone - including themselves - must make all utterances in song only.

As will now be readily appreciated, the focus in Relubbus courts is on stripping away all obstacles and impediments to clear perception of  the truth.

This is also reflected in the unusual dress code in court.  It is believed that being bare-legged provides a gentle reminder that we should all be as naked before the law.  It also has the huge advantage that everyone makes sure to wear clean underwear and this promotes a healthier atmosphere for all.

Mr Justice Standfast Pengelly (56), resplendent in freshly washed and ironed underpants, sang out the following comment to the tune of Charles Wesley's "Author of faith", which is no. 362 in the Methodist Hymn Book:

"The smellinere av gottalot better neow.  Time was you'd aff choke when summa they crimnals wasineer!"

Attendance at the courts is now one of the biggest tourist attractions in Relubbus, with all public gallery spaces in the Relubbus Central Criminal Court fully booked right up to the end of 2015.

So book now, if you want a seat in 2016!