UK ELECTION REPORT

From Chief Political Editor Denzil Archilaus Treglown-Trevail, shown here reading his own article

The countdown to the Westminster elections has begun and the political parties are flexing their muscles for the quinquennial "I'm tons better than you" playground tussle, which is relied upon to deliver government in the UK.  Well, you get what you deserve!

Meanwhile UK citizens look, in a mix of stupefaction and sheer envy, at Relubbus, and the benevolent dictatorship of  His Sereneness Grand Council Leader Billy Spargo (124), whose charmed presence causes the state of Relubbus to rise from strength to strength.

Accordingly, we take a look at how the UK election is shaping up in Cornwall, also taking the the time to look a little more closely at some of the fringe parties that are dreaming that now their time has come.

Whilst in the UK generally the Conswervative party seems to have managed to acquire a following of, at least, three or four in some major towns and cities, in the Duchy of Cornwall there are only two Conswervatives, shown here out canvassing. 

They are "Binky" Stopes-Mubbsley-Thorpe (31) and his old dormie pal, "Stinky" Chunderthwaite-Pithley-Twat (31).  Both chaps went to Eton College and had 'a damned good time'!  Both then went into City brokerage firms (co-incidentally owned  by their fathers) and, despite losing very large sums of money, still managed to secure "a bloody serious bonus, old chum!"

They are non-doms for UK tax purposes and insist that they maintain this unpopular tax-evading status only out of solidarity with the deputy chairman of the Conswervatives (Lawd Arsecross, 'the Belize Bulldozer') and not because it saves "absolutely spiffingly large wads of cash!"

Binky sums thing up for both of them when he says, "We chaps from Eton bloody well know what's good for us and also what's good for the oiks!  As good old Cammie-Khazi and Ozzie say - good Eton chaps both, don'tcha know - 'You can't get better than an Eton boater!' Vote Tory, we say!"

Many Kernow-watchers are amazed to discover that UKIP are at all active here, given that it is a party dominated by Little Englanders who don't care two hoots for Cornwall. 

It is also a source of open wonder that anyone in Cornwall can be found to stand for UKIP, when it is led by folk of the depressing calibre of the so dismally mentally-equipped Nige "Brain" Damage. 

Nige surpassed himself recently, when, clearly wetting himself with the excitement of being on camera again, he proceeded to insult the recently chosen, and now wholly bemused, European President, the Right Herbert Rumpy Pumpy.  Struggling to contain himself, Nige stated that Herbert had the charisma of a wet rag and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk, wholly overlooking the fact that he himself had the charisma of a low grade bank clerk and was obviously apparelled in very recently wetted rags. 

Clearly, in the European Parliament as elsewhere, birds of a feather will flock together.  Pundits reckon that, with administering of enough medication, UKIP could garner as many as 6, or possibly 7, votes in Cornwall.

The Methodist Fundamentalist Party (MFP), led by the Ayafella Oweedoinov AlKammbronn (150), has a strong following all over Cornwall.  Unlike mainstream Methodists, the MFP (sometimes known as the 'Cornish Taliban') represent an extreme form of their faith. 

They are utterly opposed to "drinkon', dancon', gamblon' and any wurkatha devil".  This latter category includes Darwin's teachings, Tesco, the motor car, toothpaste and the internet. 

The MFP stands for the banning of all English influences in Cornwall and for the introduction of pasties as the obligatory daily midday meal.  Everyone will be required to consume, at least, a "quarter a cream" daily. 

The MFP's election campaign is in the capable hands of Tommy Trembath (32) and his friend Billy Jory (29), pictured above.  The MFP is reckoned to be able to command 7.5% of the Cornish vote.

Druids of the Lodge of the Heamoor Bus Stop are campaigning on a pagan ticket. Their leader, Archdruid Lenny Gwavas (68) believes that the dawning of the age of druidism in Cornwall is nigh.  Fervent nationalists, they also believe that Cornwall should adopt paganism as the state religion once independence has been achieved.

Lenny himself is standing in the St Ives constituency and is relying on "they dencin' girls tuh bring in the votes fer we". 

Lenny has a group of five ladies who energetically campaign for him throughout West Penwith.  These ladies - all of whom work in Morrison's - are pictured here dancing at an election rally at the Minack.  For decency's sake, they are pictured here before they reached the nude sequence of their "offering in dance". 

They are, from the left, Rose Trenwith (62), Letitia Lutey (55), Geraldine Wakfer (72), Marcia Pender (63) and David Bolitho (53).  Lenny is confident that he will secure at least five votes.

Most people probably didn't even know that there was a Gay Shellfish-Processors Party (GSP) and some doubt its ability to appeal to those outside its primary target group of homosexuals employed in the shellfish processing industry. 

However the GSP candidate, Willy Trezise (43), pictured here with his husband, Billy Pender, is confident that the GSP will win in West Penwith.

He modestly declares, "I gotunall sussed out.  I aren't prejudiced 'genst people 'oo aren't queer.  They kent 'elpit.  Live and let live, tha's what I duh say.  Free bus travel fer Cornish people throughout the worl'.  Abolish income tax fer everyone 'oodern less than £25,000 a year.  Intreduce income tax o' 99% fer all they buggers 'oodern morn £30,000 a year.  Intreduce wealth tax o' £50,000 a year ferall they buggers 'oo got 'ouse worth morn £500,000.  I'll sortunall out faree!"

Election watchers estimate that the GSP will secure around 23% of the Cornish vote.