By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka
'Odgo Semmens (79) the celebrated Cornish poet and author of the now globally renowned and treasured poem I Aren't, has, under considerable public pressure from the crowds besieging his home in Colinsey Road, Penzance, released a further work, Walking in West Penwith, which seems set to seal his reputation as one of the greatest living poets in Colinsey Road.Walking in West Penwith
Las' Sunday we went walking, ovver to Lamorna bay.
From the top o' Mousel we set out, a glorious sunshine day.
The smell of heather in the air, the glass-green sea below -
It's jes' this sort of beauty that sets my heart aglow.
Las' Tuesday we went walkin', up the back of Gulval 'ill:
You get a good view of the Mount and bay - I can see it still.
Chysauster's ancient magic will never pass away,
You can hear their talk and laughter - hear it to this day.
Las' Wen'sday we went walkin, ovver to the Logan Rock:
We sat there drinkin' in the scene an''ad a snooze an' talk.
Perched high atop the granite cliffs, with sand beach far below,
You watch the distant dance of waves, that make their ebb and flow.
All the walks around this place are paths that lead through time.
And if you are a Cornishman, you hear an inner chime...
'An it's tellin' you "You're 'ome, boy, you're 'ome!"
'Odgo
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
Office Solutions from Trembath Office Equipment, Crows an Wra
Trembath Office Equipment has become internationally renowned for its inventive use of space in office planning. Our world-beating design team has recently applied its creative zeal to solving the problems of staff time lost in toilet visits -- as well as making best use of space hitherto only used for toilet visits.
The Solution? The Trembath Office Toilet Workstation! Separate toilet blocks are scrapped! Now everyone sits and works on a Trembath toilet, fully equipped with workstation, telephone, and, of course, with a toilet roll. There is also a swing-out table for eating one's lunch 'al desko'. There is now no need to leave one's desk/seat/toilet. You come into work, make yourself comfy and settle down to the tasks of the day uninterrupted by the irksome need to leave your desk to go to the loo. All your business can be accomplished in one place!
The Trembath Office Toilet Workstation is a mere snip at £987.99.
Notes:
1. Air freshener dispensers are extra at £104.99.
2. 'Hot desking' is probably not an option.
3. Male and female staff will need to 'get seated' separately (Note that curtains drop during the seating process and, again, at the end of the day.) Trembath thinks of everything!!!!
ODGO SEMMENS' LATEST MASTERPIECE
GREY-SQUIRREL-CHESS INVENTOR COMMUTES FROM TANZANIA!
Ben Godrevy-Baragwanath (known as BGB), the mysterious 64-year-old Cornish recluse and inventor, who over the years has confounded the public with the brilliance of his inventions and the outlandishness of his eccentricity, has once more hit the headlines.
Pictured on the left is BGB's holiday home in plush Kisutu Street in far-off Dar es Salaam. This traditional Tanzanian abode is a conscious tribute to local building techniques. However, we are also assured that the habitation lacks for nothing in terms of western standards of comfort, since it benefits from not just one, but two lean-tos, ingeniously set at some distance from one another so that simultaneous occupation will not result in any noisy embarrassments that might deter either occupant from prosecuting the business in hand.
What has mystified BGB-watchers for some time is just how he manages to appear waving before the webcam next to his Tanzanian residence before popping up only minutes later in front of his mansion in fashionable Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.
Now we can reveal the almost unbelievable solution to this puzzle. BGB has explained to the Roundup that he is COMMUTING between Dar es Salaam and Relubbus, using a dematerialisation and materialisation device, which he calls his "Redar", "cos I duh use'n t' get from Relubbus to Dar es Salaam an' back!"
BGB is shown here on the left, wearing a part of the outfit that enables him to "disappear" from one place and "appear" in the other.
Known to the Relubbus and world public as an incredible inventor (he devised, for instance, slug-writing* and grey-squirrel chess**, to name but two of his peculiar, yet fascinating, offerings to the world), he now seems to have surpassed himself by inventing a technology which could put all of the world's airlines out of business overnight. However, the scientific genius has in this, as on previous occasions, absolutely no interest in the business exploitation of his stunning invention.
*Slug-writing involves hypnotising slugs and giving them a secret message, which then emerges slowly in their silver getaway trail.
** The now hugely popular grey-squirrel chess involves the use of "neutralised" and suitably decorated live squirrels as chess pieces, which are then vaporised, instead of removed, in the course of play.
ADVERTISEMENT
Is a Laundry career the right one for you?
Trevaskis Laundries are looking for staff! Could this be you? The young man on the left is visiting a Trevaskis Laundromat. Behind the smart-looking machinery is a smart girl, who will get his clothes clean in record time.
Have you got what it takes to be a Travaskis Laundry girl?
The rewards are terrific -- a massive pay cheque of £3 17s 4d per week for a 90 hour week, together with one week's free subscription to the famous Relubbus Roundup and 14 years subscription to the Cornishman or the West Briton. After 30 years, there is the chance to move up higher within the Trevaskis business empire, with the possibility of working, say, on the cheese counter in the Morvah shop, with the usual perk of taking home 2 and a quarter ounces of free cheese a week.
If you look at this and think it could be "you", then hesitate no longer and apply to Trevaskis Enterprises of Long Rock (Industrial Estate) and let your new life begin!
LONELY HEARTS -- VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION
Here are some special people looking for love in West Penwith!!
Geraldine Polkinghorne (23) is a veterinary nurse from Ponsanooth. She has been dealing with some serious personal gender issues, some outward signs of which might cause unwarned potential suitors to take fright. Hence her brave decision to advertise here (and in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt) for a special man to share her life.
Geraldine's passion in life (apart from goats and other animals) is designing and modelling hats, as she is doing in this picture. With the right man, she would like to take up line dancing and yodelling. Although she doesn't claim to be a Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, she says that she is a dab hand at creating a Victoria sponge from the packet. Her ideal partner would be a "Hell's Angel type", probably in his 30s, with own home, preferably in the Tuckingmill area, "so I can be away from Mum, but not too far!". Its Box 5682, Gents!
Dickie Tregear (42) "from out Zennor way" is a charming delightful man, who somehow has not yet managed to hit it off with the ladies. Very fond of his food, he knows that he ought to eat less, but he just doesn't get on with diets. However, he is very sensitive about his looks and is sure that his personal vanity will eventually empower him to "cut down on the food".
Dickie has broken away from the centuries-old family tradition of pig farming (although he still lives with his Mum) and is a teacher of piano and harpsichord. He would like to "walk out with some cracker, who duh look like Kylie Minogue". Dickie's current interests are, apart from eating, dominoes (which he plays for several hours each day) and his Hornby train set, of which he is inordinately proud and which he is prepared to share with the right woman. Box 3496 -- get in quick, before Kylie does!
Jennifer Angove (31) from Long Rock is a girl with big aspirations. She dreams of becoming a chemical weapons inspector for the UN and her ideal man would be a pathologist, so that she can indulge her interest in corpses with expert guidance. We can all dream, but reality can be a little different. Jennifer is a shelf-stacker at Morrisons, which is handy, because she can walk to work and save on commuting costs. Realising that a pathologist might be out of her reach (or is it?!), she will be happy to take up with any young man working at the interesting end of an abattoir, who would let her have a go whenever she likes.
Jennifer's favourite musicians are Chas and Dave and her best loved music is their version of "Roll out the Barrel". Two years ago, she won the Morrisons Penzance branch 3rd most interesting person prize and she once almost took up the castanets. This is the story of Jennifer... and gents, you can become a part of that story at Box 5622.
Billy Peninula (32) from Rosudgeon, pictured here 'squeezing one out' in the Relubbus Allcomers' Nude Freestyle Farting Competition (wet section) is a fun young man looking for another fun young man. Billy works as a fireman at Truro, but does not let big City life go to his head, preferring to live in a quiet part of Ludgvan.
A renaissance man, Billy's farting is merely one aspect of his multi-faceted being -- he plays the cello, sings baritone in the Marazion Gay Male Voice Choir, collects butterflies, is an avid student of Aztec culture and language, and composes love poetry. He would like to meet a young man with completely different interests so that they can show each other one another's world. Box 9976 is the one for you, if you would like to get to know Billy better.
Loveday Behenna (22) is best known as the saucy leading female in the Botallack Operatic and Dramatic Society (BODS), in which her rich, sonorous bass voice is a constant source of both surprise and delight. By day, she runs her own mobile nose- and ear-hair trimming business, covering most of the old folks' homes west of Truro. She keeps all the trimmings and uses it to stuff cushions.
Loveday likes to relax and unwind by 'zapping' seagulls with her trusty catapult. She is now ready to meet an enterprising man (preferably an upholsterer, in view of the cushions) with whom she can build a life and family. Box 5310 takes you to Loveday.
Rudi Stümpfli (51) is our first advertiser from Liechtenstein. Having spent the past 30 years in jail for what he says was "ein Mißverständnis", he has now been returned to the community to pursue his career as a cheesemaker. Rudi speaks only German, but is keen to meet a Cornish woman, since the entire female population of Liechtenstein shuns him because of the "Mißverständnis".
Rudi is not allowed to leave the country, but, having heard of the new bus services between Relubbus and Vaduz, is keen to take up with one (or more?!) of the many women from Cornwall who are bound to make the journey, if only to see how the Marks in Vaduz differs from the one in Truro. Box 6733 is the one for Rudi and ladies should be aware that Rudi has offered to pay the £1 14s 6d day-return bus fare for any ladies interested in meeting him.
SITHNEY PASTY-CRIMPING TEAM WINS AGAIN!
Pictured below is the Sithney Pasty-crimping team, which beat all-comers -- including 14 separate teams from Relubbus -- to win the coveted Relubbus Open Crimping contest.
The proud team, pictured here before the contest at their training camp, are, from the left: Elspeth Lutey (23), Jennifer Curnow (31), Gladys Polwhele (29), Letitia Tregonning-Polkinghorne-Clemo (34 and team captain), "Windy" Bosavern (27), Agnes Baragwaneth (31) and Loveday Peninula (28).
The four day contest saw the 500 competitors crimp some 500,000 pasties -- all of which have found their way to the burgeoning Australian and Canadian markets.
Style and sheer skill saw the Sithney team storm home to success (for the fourth year running!) following an almost acrobatic display in the underwater handcuffed crimping heat, in which team captain (Letitia TPC) showed her worth by crimping 50 pasties underwater with her bare feet, whilst holding her breath for an unbelievable 6 minutes. Posthumously, she was awarded the competition medal for outstanding individual performance.
Elspeth Polwhele and Agnes Baragwaneth swept the field in the boxing glove crimping doubles. Hampered by wearing heavyweight gloves, they managed to crimp four pasties (sufficiently strongly to hold together despite being thrown the regulation 30 feet) in just under an hour, beating their nearest rivals from the Tuckingmill team (Ariminta Trenoweth (23) and Cordelia Uren (39) - two pasties) and the Troon team (Peggy Oppy (31) and Rosezina Cock (23) - 1 pasty).
Competition judges Amelia Beglehole (65), Kitty Trewelah (64), Livinia Caddy (45), and Harriet Hicks (132) all agreed that the standards were getting higher year on year. Miss Hicks, speaking with the aid of an electronic transmogrifier, which makes the voice inside the coffin easier to hear, stated "I ent never seen s' much smart crimping. They maids are sum clever!"
Miss Caddy, as well as a judge a champion herself (having come 17th in the 1987 Nancledra Lesbian Ladies Bowling Competition), declared that new and more demanding heats will be required in order to sort out the competition's future winners. Ideas currently being considered include: 1. Crimping in a methane-filled container; 2. Crimping using only firedogs; 3. Distance crimping, using mental powers alone, at a distance of 50 yards.
Willy Ladner and Benjy Friggens of Relubbus National Television (RNT -- or "Our Entie", as it is commonly known) confirmed that the competition would continue to be shown on television in Cornwall.
BYPASS FOR ST. MICHAEL'S MOUNT!
PLANNING NEWS
Shock Plans for a bypass over St. Michael's Mount unveiled today
By guest reporter Horton Tregarthen
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) today put on show to the public the recently emergency-approved plans for the new Marazion bypass, which is, controversially, routed via St. Michael's Mount. The GRUC's Department of Transport, whose 96-storey building looms ominously over its neighbours in Ludgvan, announced that the new 8-lane highway will be known as the M2001.
Local resident Mr Lord Tommy St. Levan commented that the new road "will be proper for me to git home early from Safeway". Mr St Levan works as a trolley stacker in the Safeway car park.
However, other local residents have pointed out a potentially fatal flaw in the bypass plan, arising from the fact that the Channel will flood the new highway twice a day. Departmental spokeswoman Miss Ethel Bolitho laughingly dismissed these concerns by pointing out that the highway would be closed to traffic for several hours a day "till ee duh dry up a bit". She then amended this statement to say that the highway would have to be raised on a bridge (to bring it roughly to a level with the castle, through which it will pass).
Long Rock councillor Master Billy Bolitho reacted to this news with a considered statement to the effect that "my bleddy Enty is nuts. They want to 'ave a tunnel -- that'll keep the traffic moving".
The National Trust, owners of the treasured historic landmark that is St Michael's Mount, have insisted on certain minimal provisions to protect this glorious jewel of our Cornish heritage. They have insisted that the highway shall incorporate flowerbeds and magnolia trees along the central reservation. They have also advertised for volunteer stewards to keep a look out for non-members gaining access to the highway, which passes through the Mount's ancient chapel. "If they duh want t' cum through ‘ere, they duh ‘ave to be members!", stated an insistent Trencrom Polglaze of the Cornish National Trust.
LATE NEWS
Roundup informant Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo-Spargo, niece of Billy Spargo, the Chairman of GRUC, has stated that when she was last visiting her Uncle Billy she sneaked a view at the latest Council minutes, and that these stated:
"The tollgate machines for the the new bypass are situated 100 feet above ground (or sea, depending upon the tide). At high tide, all cars failing to display a Kernow sticker will be dropped below."
Further news on this to follow.
"PAUNCHO" PENDER'S HEALTH TIPS
Lifestyle Guru Pauncho Pender is interviewed by Hilary Trelissick
Today, the Roundup's resident health professional gives you his top ten tiptop tips to keep you fit throughout the whole of this year.
Pauncho is not your normal, snotty-nosed, talk-down-to-you, 23-year-old skinny bitch, who raves on about drinking only carrot juice and munching raw parsnips. Pauncho is a 35-year-old man of the world who likes a drink and a smoke.
His Christmas and New Year festivities have been hall-marked by his customary drunken over-indulgence. His clothes bear testimony to his gourmandising extravaganzas at this time of year.
In an exclusive interview with the Roundup's very own Hilary Trelissick over the odd early morning "wake-up" drink, Pauncho shares with you some of the secrets that have helped him keep trim and young-looking for his 35 years.
MY TIPS FOR KEEPING YOU TIP-TOP FIT!
1. You need to abide by a responsible drinking code in order to get yourself in trim healthwise this year. This means that you will have to regulate your drinking. To kick off with, you should not have your first drink before 9.00am.
2. You must pace yourself. Don't overdo it -- no more than three bottles an hour, if on the beer, and keep the whisky chasers down to no more than 5 an hour. If on the wine, you will need to keep down to LESS than two bottles before 12.00.
3. Have a light lunch. If you find yourself consuming more than two plates of fish and chips at lunch time, you are over-eating! As it is lunch time, you can have a few more drinks or two. If you have kept your morning drinking under control as recommended above, you can reward yourself at lunchtime by letting yourself go -- though not too far, especially if you have to drive back to work for the afternoon.
4. Afternoon drinking should also be kept under control, while you are living under my fitness regime. If you are in work, you cannot be seen to be constantly going to the toilets, or worse, leaving puddles. The way round this is to keep on spirits.
5. If you are in a people-contact profession, such as medicine, dentistry, and suchlike, you will need to keep a good supply of mints with you, as patients don't like the idea of being in the care of somebody under the influence -- especially if you are a surgeon.
6. All members of the opposite sex often seem to be far more attractive when you've had a few. It is a good idea to try to memorise a list of the OK ones and of the dogs at the beginning of the day, when the judgement is firmer and then stick to it, no matter what. So remember, if she makes you think "walkies!" at the beginning of the day, then hold that thought no matter what.
7. A lot of people advocate a rigorous exercise regime to get you in trim and I regret that you will not be hearing a different tune from me! Instead of leaving empties about the place, you should collect them all -- daily -- and drive to the "offie", taking care not to park right in front of the door so that you will have to walk just a few feet more in order to get the empties in and the replacements out. You should be aiming to do no less than 30 yards extra walking per day! It might sound like tough love, but it is in your interest!
8. We all know that you need to line your stomach with a good fry-up each day, but you must remember that I am giving you diet advice for your own good, when I say to you that you should keep the fried eggs down to no more than four and the number of bacon rashers down to UNDER eight each day. It's only for a month and then you can let go!
9. Evening meals will also call for the exercise of some restraint. I am going to ask you to eat no more than one large pizza per day. You needn't worry about the impact on your health -- you won't shrivel away on this diet -- it should be enough to sustain you and it is only for a month! The sugar on the pill is that you can drink as much as you like in the evening -- no work till tomorrow, so go for it, boy!
10. The last tip is a simple, well-known one -- "it is better out than in". It is the best 'gas management' plan there has ever been. We are talking good health here, so wherever you are and whether the gas is seeking upper or lower release (or perhaps even both simultaneously), let it rip! You will feel better and it will do you good!
Pauncho and the Roundup wish you a happy and HEALTHY 2008!
