THUNDERCLAPS AT ST CLAP'S

By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Chlamydia Diaphragm-Fart

Crows an Wra has been rocked by controversy following various scandals emerging from the fundraiser held in the Sunday School rooms of the Maronite Christian Church of St Fiacre -- the latter being, quite by coincidence, the patron saint of sexually-transmitted disease. Although, outside of Crows an Wra, this may be a little-known fact of the sort which might only help you to become successful on Who wants to be a Millionaire?, all the denizens of Crows an Wra know it and thus the Church is known locally as the Church of St Clap's.

“St Clap’s” holds a successful fundraiser every year at this time and it is always a magnetic crowd-puller, attracting a mind-boggling 48 visitors last year, including the Pope, Benedict XVI (shown on the left,wearing a dashing new hat, purchased at Simpson’s in Penzance), temptress Madame Sarkozy, comedian Jimmy Carr, and (then) presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.


Unbelievably, this year, St Clap’s managed to pull in even more visitors, achieving a total of 54. Amongst these, Barack Obama was back again – a hopeful no longer, but a President-elect who stated his clear intention to secure closer bonds with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council led by the visionary 84-year-old Billy Spargo.

As Obama said, “Spargo (shown here on the left in a picture of typical world-leader-inspiring serenity) has so much to teach the world – about ethics, about statecraft and about personal hygiene”. At the mention of this last point, Madame Sarkozy (Cecilia, the Frog one, not the new Eytie one) , another returning visitor and one whose name has been romantically linked with that of Councillor Spargo, burst into enthusiastic applause, followed by floods of sobbing tears.

Apparently Sarah Palin too had been intending to come to St Clap’s at Crows an Wra because it was the only place outside of Alaska, other than Washington, that she had heard of. However, she was held up by emergency repairs on her hairdo.

Celebrity, then, is something we have come to readily associate with Crows an Wra. What is, for us all, entirely new is the huge controversy that has arisen from the nature of some of the fund-raising acts.

The Church verger and assistant choirmaster, 45-year-old bachelor Gwenver Lamprey Smegma-Tregenza, has upset very many people by posing as a "Scotchman", “Wee Doogie MacDuff”.

Wearing just a pink Guernsey sweater, matching pink tartan and pink ballet shoes, “Wee Doogie MacDuff” sat closeted in a telephone box, which was draped in lavish purple satin to discourage prying eyes out for a freebie.

He charged visitors £5 to lift his tartan “to see what a Scotchman has under his kilt!” It was considered that such a show was “lowering the tone” of the event. Both ladies who queued outside Doogie’s stall, the Misses Penberthy (89 and 92), who suffer from poor sight and poor hearing, each went in several times and were heard to remark that they simply could not guess what the vegetable was.

Doogie’s offer of half-price for children was deemed to be beyond the pale and the Rev Abdul Aziz Polglaze closed down the stall when he saw the sign.

Amongst other famous guests, an inquisitive Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel, dressed as the Wagnerian Brunhilde and sporting a briar pipe, was seen to be showing especial interest in Agnes Botterill’s home-made Treacle Skin Care range for pipe-smoking females.

José Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, who lends a new respectability to the practice of cross-dressing, was seen to be captivated by Denzil Trevains’ stall “Is it pigshit or is it chocolate?” After 15 tasting sessions at £5 a go, José was clearly deeply shocked to be told that the substance was really not chocolate.

He became extremely upset and was escorted from the building, shouting that it contravened all EU laws to offer pigshit to innocents to eat. Trevains was unmoved: “No one ad’un apart from ‘ee. Everyone d knaw ‘s all a bit laugh. I could’n’ believe it when this ‘ere man cum up and wanted to pay for to eat of un. Mind you – least it was fresh this mornin’!”

At this point the Reverend Polglaze thanked everyone for coming – especially the celebrity foreign guests – and announced that the event had raised a mind-boggling £537.57.

CHAVVY CADS BEATEN BY BUNTS!

Court Report
By our Legal Correspondent Horton “Gone or ‘ere?” Polkinghorne

Morvah Pendennis (17) and Dennis Penmorvran (18) both of Colinsey Road, Treneere, Penzance are pictured here in jovial mood prior to their court appearance.

They appeared today before Chief Justice Mr Caxter Bunt at Relubbus Central Court on charges of breaking and entry, attempted burglary and of ‘interfering’ with Doris, the pet Llama kept by Mr Cadfael Bunt (58), a farmer with small holdings at Lower Bostraze.

The prosecution, led by Miss Fanny Bunt, maintains that, under cover of darkness, the pair gained entry into Mr Bunt’s house and made their way upstairs. The police report recorded that the boys, one of whom, Dennis, likes to call himself Goky and who dresses as a girl, admitted that “we woz lookin’ fer jewels.”

It is at this point that the stories of Mr Bunt and the boys sharply diverge.

The boys’ story continues thus. Hearing strange noises emanating from a room displaying the name ‘Doris’, the boys became curious and slowly opened the door on to a dim candle-lit scene.

The candle, described by Morvah as “one o’ they rude-shaped ones”, gave off a sickly overpowering smell, but did little to illuminate the room. Pink seemed to be the predominant colour of all fixtures and fittings.

Mr Bunt had his back turned to the boys and seemed to be wearing a blue nightshirt pulled up around his waist. Groaning occasionally, his knees bent regularly in a rhythmic dipping motion.

Doris, who was dolled up to the nines in pink apparel, stood directly in front of Mr Bunt and similarly had her back to the boys as well as to Mr Bunt. The picture on the left is taken from Mr Bunt's website, "Loving Llamas".

Doris made a strange snuffing sound from time to time. A Lonny Donegan hit, “Diggin’ my potatoes” from 1956 on the Decca label, was playing on the radiogram. The boys had intruded upon a very self-absorbed scene.

Opening the door a little wider caused it to squeak loudly. Mr Bunt pulled back from whatever activity he was engaged in and turned round, whereupon the boys realised that he had blacked up as though in preparation for an appearance on the Black and White Minstrel Show.

For overseas readers who may not know it, The Black and White Minstrel Show is a hugely popular TV show, which can be viewed on Relubbus Television at 6.55 pm on Saturdays - next Saturday's special star guest is Barack Obama!!).

Bunt ran to an interconnecting door to another room, ripped it open, went inside and slammed the door behind him. Doris, clearly upset by the commotion, began to make a mess on the floor.

The boys heard demented cries from the other room: “My bleddy brother’s a judge - you say anything about this and you buggers’ll go to jail!!”

Quickly perceiving that an evening of gentle light crime might entail more than a few difficulties for them, the pair bolted down the stairs to make good their escape, closely followed by Bunt, who by now was waving a loaded shotgun in the air.

Miss Fanny Bunt, for the prosecution, gives a completely different account and maintains that her cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, was fast asleep in his bed when the pair arrived.

Doris, who is just one of his Llamas, had been feeling under the weather. He was concerned for her and decided to bring her into the house, so that he could keep a better eye on her.

Mr Bunt’s wife, Doris, had died some three years before but he had kept her things and thought that he would make the Llama – coincidentally also called Doris – extra comfortable by dressing her up in some of Doris’s things. This he had done and had repaired to bed.

He was awoken some while later by shouting and bleating and peered into Doris’ room to find a scene of chaos. He maintains that one of the boys was holding Doris steady, whilst the other was “shagging’ ‘er senseless”. He grabbed his shotgun and drove them off.

The police, led by Chief Inspector Colin Bunt (known to his colleagues as Bolin) said that they had found undeniable DNA evidence that one of the boys had been engaged as his cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, had maintained. This DNA evidence had afterwards sadly gone missing, but Mr Justice Caxter Bunt said that he was more than happy to rely on the good word of the Relubbus Police.

Mr Cadfael Bunt’s computer was afterwards found to be full of pornographic photos involving llamas and Mr Caxter Bunt fully accepted Mr Colin Bunt’s assertion that these ‘obnoxious photos’ had been placed there by the two boys to put the police off the scent.

Listening to all the evidence, Mr Justice Caxter Bunt stated that he had been horrified by the details of this case and that he had no hesitation in ‘sending down’ the two boys for a minimum of 35 years each. His sole regret was that the option of capital punishment or, at the very least, transportation to the colonies for life was no longer open to him.

Very pleased with the outcome, Mr Cadfael Bunt extended an invitation to Mr Justice Bunt, Miss Fanny Bunt and Mr Colin Bunt to join him and Doris for a slap-up family dinner that evening to celebrate.

The picture on the left shows some of the Bunts featured in this story. On the extreme left is Lavinia Nudd, a family friend. At the back are Cadfael and Caxter and in the front are Colin and Fanny.

As they were taken away to face a long sentence in the dreaded Prospidnick jail, the two boys yelled out “ You lot are nothing but a bunch o’….”, but their words faded away.

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN RELUBBUS?

We all lead very busy lives these days and some people simply do not get the time to explore society and find ‘the one’ for them. That is where the Relubbus Roundup can make a real difference to your life. In our pages you can advertise to find that perfect soulmate or you can simply browse the entries and maybe – all of a sudden - you will find the right him/her/it looking back at you.

Lucinda Lavinia Liddicoat (27) -- or ‘Triple L’ to her friends -- is a cheery girl, who ‘likes to live it large’. By day she is a conscientious wig-maker, with a special and highly sought-after skill in producing perukes and toupees for bald hamsters. However, as soon as she catapults out of the wig factory in Hayle at 5 pm prompt each evening, she is out for fun, fun, fun. Our photo shows this delightful damsel lining up a few drinks after work for her and her best friend, Tamsin Trevelyan, in the flat they share in Tolroy.

Triple L would like to meet a young man with his own Reliant Robin car (her dream motor). Reluctant to smile because she has no teeth, she would ideally like to meet a toothless young man of her own age. “We’d be equal then, an’ jes’ think of the slobbery snoggin’ we’d ’ave!” If you are a young RR owner with no teeth and would like to give Triple L a go, then ‘phone her on Hayle 56 32 56.

Glorious leggy blonde bombshell Patricia Trembath (25) from up Pendeen, seen here trying to chat up an off duty policeman is a lonely girl! Patricia, or ‘Trishy’, as she likes to be called, is 11 foot 6 ins tall and this has made it difficult for her to make men friends.

Trishy is an enthusiastic, but sadly unaccomplished, trombone player, adores Scrabble and keeps earwigs as pets. Tone deafness does not prevent her from trying to sing and she can often be heard loudly trilling her tuneless drone whilst out and about on the roads of West Penwith, where she has a job as a telegraph pole polisher.

Trishy’s dream is to meet a young man of her own height, preferably from Pendeen. However, suitors from Botallack or even Zennor might also be considered. If this is you then ‘phone Trishy on Pendeen 56 82 13.

Binkie Behenna (22) is an enterprising young lady from New Mill. Although so young, she already runs her own mobile budgerigar insemination, grooming, and burial business, which goes by the name of “Pretty Boy”.

Being a very busy local businesswoman, she does not have the time to explore the ‘local scene’ to find a man. She says, “Looks aren’t important, I’m more interested in what’s inside the man’s trousers than how they look!”

Unlike other one-legged people, Binkie likes to wear a prosthesis rather than hop, but she challenges you to guess from this photo which leg is the falsie! If Binkie sounds like she is the spunky sort of girl you are looking for and you like the cut of her jib, then ‘phone New Mill 65 12 87 (after 6.00 pm).

Huw Dewi ap Rhys (31) is the cultural attaché at the Welsh Embassy in Relubbus. A former male lap dancer from the Swansea docks, he got into working for the Welsh state after doing some private dancing for the Welsh Foreign Secretary, Lydia Thomas-Jones (67). Relubbus is his second posting, having already served in the Welsh Embassy in Bolivia, which he had to leave in something of a hurry, following the circulation of unsubstantiated lascivious stories connecting him to Lucia de Lozada, the 97 year old mother of the leader, Felipe de Lozada, of the UNRSB (the Radical National Socialist Union of Bolivia).

Huw is newly arrived in Relubbus and would like to meet Cornish women of any age. However, he says that he would particularly welcome hearing from young women born in the years from 1908 to 1913. ‘Phone Huw on Relubbus 65 43 91.

Conan Penglaze (74) is a former window fitter from Madron. Conan is an enthusiastic pipe-smoker and gets through 2 oz of St Bruno flake a day. Conan has designed a ‘two-tube’ pipe so that his ‘beloved’, when he meets her, can share the same pipe as him . He has even built in a facility so that the smokers can switch tubes and share dottle, the essence of sharing love for Conan.

Not a man given to many social graces, Conan seeks a woman who can cook, do his washing, attend to his needs and, as he is getting on a bit, who is also handy around the garden. He doesn’t like women who ‘jabber on’. Conan listens to Radio Cornwall all day, and his perfect day consists of sitting in his favourite chair in his long johns enjoying his pipe. If this sounds like the sort of homely man you would like in your home, then ‘phone Madron 64 59 23, being prepared to shout.

Abner Bollock, (43) is a divorced former triangle tuner (now jobseeker) from Prospidnick. Abner used to be married to June, before she left him only six days after they married in 1989, having spent his inheritance in Las Vegas during their honeymoon. Since then he has been trying to pluck up courage to ‘try again’.

Abner lives with his Aunt Dolly in an unconverted barn. Interested females should be aware that Aunt Dolly is a ventriloquist’s dummy and that Abner has got into the habit of long conversations with “Enty” ever since he lost his last job in 1995. Abner says, “The bottom fell out of triangle tuning and now we ‘ave the credit crunch! I aren’t givin’ up yet though – I still got ‘ope!”

Ladies who are drawn to this fascinating beacon of belief in a better world are advised that he has no ‘phone and that they should simply knock the door of the Old Barn, Shite Lane, Prospidnick.

POETRY OF MOTION

Ups and Downs in West Penwith

‘Mind ‘ow you go’, they used to say and never more true than ‘ere --
If you don’t say’un right, my boy, you’ll be a stranger ‘ere.

The startin’ point fer journies is P’nzance, as we d’ all know:
It don’t matter where you’re ‘eaded, it d’ matter ‘ow you go!

I’s right t’ go DOWN Newlyn and I’s right to g’w UP St Just;
From ‘ere you can g’w UP London - and BACK DOWN again, when you’re bust.

You can ‘gw OVVER Marazion and from there gw’UP Pendeen,
But then you d’come INTO P’nzance on the number 17.

Goin UP fair, goin UP Treneere, and then goin DOWN the Prom.,
To ‘ave bit geek if Loveday is still goin out with Tom.

‘Ee d’ farm OUT Ludgvan way and d’ come IN town each week.
I seen ‘un out with Loveday, when I went t’ ‘ave my bit geek.

I d’ dearly love goin round about, I’s proper job, my bird;
But if I d’ want describ’ un, I must use the proper word.

Up, down, in and ovver, there’s so many ways to go --
But if you are a Cornishman, I’m sure, like me, you’ll know.

A composition by Ezekiel Lestrange (78) of Ponsendance and Lower Leskinnick Bicycle Club

UPDATE ON MUSIC SCENE IN RELUBBUS

By Dr Dristan Behenna (109)
Professor Emeritus of Contemporary Music at the Relubbus Conservatoire

It is a particular pleasure for me to be asked by the Relubbus press to keep my finger on the pulse of young people’s music. I like youth and its fresh skin, so unlike the dry papery material that clothes my own poor, tired body.

I do remember going to the lavatory in 2005 and, held up by my faithful nurse (Fidgewick, a dear man, despite the leg iron), I directed a weak, and much interrupted, stream of urine into the bowl for what seemed like hours, but which was, in fact, no more than 37 minutes. I remember that moment of achievement as though it were yesterday, but Fidgewick tells me that it was three years ago!

Fidgewick wheels me out to the Relubbus Vinyl Music store twice a week and it is there that I meet the young bloods, who tell me what is all the rage and play their music as loud as they can directly into my ear trumpet, so that I can pick up something of the rhythm.

It once came through so loud and clear one fine summer evening two years ago that I almost lost my blanket with the excitement of it all. Oh the joy! as Lionel’s young hot-blooded hands came near my tired trousers to restore the blanket – my body knew that it would have achieved an erection (O sweet but very distant memories!) had it been just a few decades younger!

But enough of my musings – back to the music of the young people. I can tell you that, here and now, in Relubbus in November 2008:

Skiffle’s all the rage in Boswedden Lane!!

Chas and Mark Sharatt

Little known fact about Mark (on guitar) is that he has absolutely no willy.

However, this does not hold him back in the girl stakes. 76% of females describe Mark as their "ideal man".



Alex Whitehouse, Guitar; John Paul (obscured), Bass; Chas; Marc Sharratt, Washboard; Dennis Carter, Guitar
John Paul is, of course, obscured because of the frightening appearance of this aggressively naturist musician. His unorthodox plucking style seems to excite merely amazement and no outrage. "How does he DO that?" is particularly a question one hears from the envious young men in the audience.

Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers with Billie Anthony & Chas.

This enchanting photo captures the moment when the grand-daughter of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader, Billy Spargo, Wendy Spargo, was photographed with the group.

It captures the unspoilt seconds before Wendy ("Windy Wendy") had one of her unfortunate 'accidents' because of the excitement of it all.

Some of the titles sound so daring and exciting – I am surprised that they haven’t yet been banned. Even I have heard of the strict demands of the Methodist fundamentalists ("Drinkon’, dancon’, singon’ – work o’ the dev'l!").

The titles of what is known as the ‘Top Ten’ are as follows:

1) Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

2) Don’t tell me you forgot to put the cat out

3) I want to work on the buses when I grow up

4) I think that these socks could do a with a wash

5) I left my trousers in the garden hut

6) Did I tell you that I am wearing dentures?

7) I want to share my duffle coat with you

8) I love you almost as much as I love CND

9) I think that those shoes could do with a polish

10) I think that Granpa’s wet himself again

Finally, a picture of some of the young things (average age 24) dancing wildly to No.6.







Even my nose is telling me that I need to be changed now. “Fidgewick, my dear man, you can soon take that peg off your nose, we are heading home for 'changies'."

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Says a delighted Tommy, “I ebbent never spent su much money to such good effect. I’s the best £4,500 I ever spent!! I’s jes’ like I got a new ‘ead of ‘air. I w’aint be able to keep they maids off me now."

Mrs Kitty Polzeath, 35, the brains and owner of Ponsandane Hair Solutions claims that she can help any man with problems in the hair department!!

Indeed for the right fee, she claims that she can help any man with any problems in any department.

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