RELUBBUS ELECTIONS "FLAWED"

By our award-winning political correspondent, Rendell Janner

In an announcement that will send shock waves through the international community, EU election monitors have declared the recent Relubbus elections, in which Councillor Billy Spargo was elected to the newly-created posts of President of the Republic and Father and Protector of the Nation to be "flawed".

The two posts are held for life, rather than for a fixed term of years, so any suggestion of electoral impropriety is bound to cause alarm in capitals around the globe.

Last week, the Relubbus Electoral Commission announced that Councillor Spargo (pictured left) -- the sole candidate -- had received 99.98% of the votes cast. In absolute terms, he received 28 million votes (from an electorate of 38,000).

Now, however, the EU monitors have raised substantial doubts about the legitimacy of the election by claiming to have uncovered "serious irregularities". They have apparently identified thousands of instances of impersonation, multiple voting, and "ballot stuffing" (cramming a ballot box with spurious votes from fictitious voters).

Tregavarah Ventongimps (left), the Stalinist leader of the People's Republic of Hayle, and Councillor Spargo's arch-enemy, lost no time in trumpeting the monitors' findings as evidence that Greater Relubbus is a "failed state, presided over by a corrupt geriatric".

Other members of the Union of Kernow States were more muted in their criticisms. A spokeswoman for Lower Gwavas called on the Relubbus Electoral Commission to "clarify the situation", while Crowlas, Treneere, and Crows An Wra merely voiced their "disquiet" and Nanpean expressed its "concern".

Stop Press:
News has just reached us of a mass demonstration, consisting of some 30 people, in Boswedden Lane. The demonstrators carried placards declaring "SPARGO MUST GO!" and "GOGO SPARGO!" The mood of the crowd was ugly, and eggs were hurled at the statue of Councillor Spargo in Times Square. However, the demonstration was soon broken up by massed ranks of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek (KKK).

The Roundup believes that a wind of change is blowing through Relubbus. Never have demands for democracy, reform, and progress been voiced so clearly. But a wind also blows from the opposite direction, emanating from Councillor Spargo, and who knows yet which will prevail? Could Councillor Spargo's 40-year reign be about to come to an end? We will bring you more on this story as we have it.

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OATES’ OUTRAGE OVER INDIAN CALL CENTRE

RC Oates (62), pictured here in happier times, the fabulously wealthy Relubbus entrepreneur, is taking a former business partner, Eric J Addicoat (73), to court following the initial failure of Mr Oates’ recently launched car breakdown service.

According to Mr Oates, who is also chair of the Relubbus Justice Oversight Commission, the success of this new venture had been ruined by Mr Addicoat’s contribution. Mr Addicoat had been engaged to provide a cut-price telephone facility for the desperate motorists to contact in the event of an emergency.

Mr Addicoat explained from the painfully small oubliette, in which he had been temporarily confined prior to his transfer to prison, that he had heard that Indian call centres were the cheapest way of managing telephone services of this sort.

Mr Addicoat then secured the services of a native American tourist to work in the ‘call centre’. Chief Quanah Nocona (103), who speaks only Comanche, agreed via sign language to ‘use white man’s speaking machine’ for £5 a day with pasties thrown in.

However, the poor motorists who ‘phoned up hoping to be rescued by the new Oates’ breakdown service were greeted by the sound of a mournful Comanche chant in honour of those ancestors who had passed on to the care of the Great White Spirit.

Said Miss Edna Osborne (93) of Nancledra, “I duh need my car, which is as old as what I am. So I paid my £450 fer the ‘the full whack’ service includin ‘Ome start’. Yes’day I wanted to g’win town and ee wouldn’ start up. I ‘phoned the ‘mergency number and all I got was bleddy Tonto crowin’ away. Not ‘appy, I can tell ee!!”

All 14,000 people who tried to use the service in West Penwith over the first two days were greeted by the baleful sound of Chief Nocona’s seemingly endless lament.

After 48 hours of failure, news of the disaster reached the multi-billionaire entrepreneur RC (“jes call me Arsey!”) Oates at his sumptuous summer holiday cottage in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Shaking with rage, he demanded that his security units place ‘that bugger Addicoat” in the dreaded oubliette, (pictured left) beneath the toilets of his flagship megastore in Relubbus.

Mr Oates has declined to replace the Addicoat ‘Indian call centre” with a more traditional call centre sited in India. The hard-nosed businessman has not taken this decision through any fluttering fanciful patriotism. He maintains rather that it is a sad, but true, fact that Cornwall is one of the very poorest parts of Britain.

It is simply far cheaper to employ Cornish people than to set up the needlessly complicated arrangements required to service Cornish motoring needs from Bangalore. As he says himself, “If I duh break down up Pendeen, I want to speak to someone in Botallack, not bleddy Bangalore."

DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!

Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!

On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.

This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.

For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.

Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.

The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.

The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.

In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.

The young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)

The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.

This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.

However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...

ANGRY DRAMA STUDENTS DEMAND THEIR MONEY BACK

Marazion Impresario, Ivan Organ, (52) is facing a class legal action in the Relubbus courts from 1,000 angry drama students from around West Penwith who were seduced into parting with £500 each to become registered as an ‘Organ Extra’.

Organ, pictured left, achieved international recognition for his undoubted skills as a clapper board operator in Relubbus TV export favourites such as Emergency Ward 9; Mr Pasty; The Nighttime Adventures of the Lonely Ranger with his partner, Rio Tinto; Monday Night at the Relubbus Panopticon and Bollocks from Botallack, the intriguing and popular late night Arts talk show for naturists.

Organ's career had fallen into something of a lull and he had been forced into working as a car part attendant in the field opposite the Mount in order to make ends meet. He then decided to set up a business supplying extras to the Relubbus media industry, in which his clapper board has made him a known face. He targeted the aspiring stars and starlets of West Penwith.

Plausibly, he explained to them all that they could not expect to begin their acting careers as high earners in Hollywood. Firstly, they would need to gain valuable experience and the easiest way to do this would be by working as an extra. As he maintains now, he could - and he did - provide them with valuable work experience.

The aggrieved would-be stars maintain that they have gained no media experience at all.

Mr Organ’s legal representative, Mr M. T. Head, pictured left, roundly dismissed such claims.

He declared, in a written statement, “Mr Organ procured an opportunity for all 1,000 students to work as extras in the crowd during the recent Cornish Pirates versus Relubbus rugby match. This match was broadcast over Relubbus radio and eight listeners have testified to the fact that, beneath the running commentary, they could distinctly hear crowd noises. It cannot be denied that some of these noises will have been made by the extras. Accordingly, Mr Organ has kept his word and given them all media exposure as promised.”

Margot Lesquick (21) currently a trainee hairdresser but also an aspiring starlet and an 'Organ Extra' declared, tearfully chewing on her cigar, "That bleddy bastard ‘ave took all my savin’s! I'm worried silly I am and my enty duh say that I duh now look 60 year older!

"We all ‘ad to pay to get in to see that rugby too - which I duh ‘ate anyway – an’ we weren’t never on the telly or nuthin. We were mixed in with the rugby crowd and no one couldn’t never ‘ear me. My Dad’s gunna find out where Organ duh live and ee’s goin roun there to giv’un a bleddy smack in the mouth!!”

It emerged that Mr Organ has decamped to France, where he is staying at Chateau NatWest with an old business acquaintance, Sir Fred Goodwin (a man regarded by many as a similar robber), until things cool down a bit.

The Roundup will pursue this story further.

NEWS FLASH

KNEE-TREMBLAY NOT DEAD!

Capitaine Aristide Absinthe Knee-Tremblay, whose obituary we carried last week, is, in fact, not deceased. In a statement issued yesterday, M. Knee-Tremblay said, "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I was merely resting."

The news will be greeted with rejoicing by Knee-Tremblay's many admirers on both sides of the Channel.

Arrangements for a state funeral in St Buryan, where M. Knee-Tremblay lives, have been put on hold -- at least temporarily, while it is established if a relapse is probable; and thus whether the 10,000 pasties obtained from Rowe's on a sale-or-return basis should be retained for another week, or returned immediately.

AN "ODEUR" IN SANCREED!!

A tingling frisson of excitement has been coursing through the culinary world as word has slipped out that the famed Sancreed-born chef, Archilaus “Odeur” Trudgeon (36) has opened a new venue called simply “Forest Shack” in which to present his latest novel creations.

Pictured here in his old kitchens at Camborne Bus Station where he is rustling up one of his signature innovative creations “Ffarm Ppancakes”, Archilaus has never failed to impress with his ‘out of nowhere’ originality.

A kitchen king utterly devoted to the use of the wholly ‘natural’ in his cooking, he has always strenuously denied simply collecting cow pancakes from farm fields. This is a cheap charge laid at his door by bitter, twisted and jealous competitors of the likes of Oliver, Carlucci, Stein and Smith.

Fiercely proud of his use of what he fondly describes as ‘Nanature’s nunutricious babounty”, which he collects himself, this sensitive culinary craftsman has insisted on always making his own transformative additions to what he sees as the magical gifts of nature.

His ‘Ffarm Ppancakes’, or ‘FfPps’, as they have come to be known by devoted Trudgeon acolytes, who even seek to emulate his pronounciation, have been variously described as chocolatey, gingery, earthy, strong, punchy, chewy and grassy.

However, all devotees agree that it is delicious and well worth the - to a humble Roundup journalist - frankly surprisingly high prices.

Pancake à la Guernsey costs £73, while Pancake à la British White costs £125. Given the cover charge of £20, the service charge of the greater of 10% or £90, the compulsory corkage charge of £25 (whether one drinks or not), it is easy to see that popping in for a Trudgeon Ppancake can be a very expensive exercise.

Trudgeon dining is therefore a matter for the Relubbus elite, amongst whom table places are auctioned, so great is the demand. The rich and famous are now competing to obtain bookings at the exciting new venue.

‘Forest Shack’ is situated in the back garden of Trudgeon’s Sancreed home, not far from his compost heap. Relying, as it does, solely on natural light and ventilation, the new restaurant is the antithesis of the usual haunts of the rich and famous. Typically, Trudgeon has successfully striven, not simply for understatement, but for what he excitedly terms ‘anti-stastatement’.

Diners’ seating is a packing case and the ‘tables’, though now all spotlessly clean, have all seen service before as various parts of farm carts.

The recorded music of Percy Botheras (pictured left), the virtuoso triangle player, rings out from Trudgeon’s wind-up cassette player to help give the ‘Forest Shack’ its unmistakeable Trudgeon ambience.

However, the focus of excitement is rightly on the food. Whilst all the old favourites naturally remain on offer, impatient eyes devour the tantalising names and descriptions of all the new dishes.

Trudgeon will not permit disclosure of the details of any of the new creations – that is a pleasure reserved for paying guests. Further, he vehemently denies that the piles of KFC packing and Sainsbury’s Basic egg boxes at the back of the shack are anything to do with him.

However, some of the delighted diners did admit that they had started their meals with something that looked like a boiled egg, but which tasted excitingly different and every bit worth the £37.50 charged for the starter. Furthermore, the chicken dish – served with some sort of Bovril-flavoured ice cream and priced at £310 per portion – was described as “heavenly”.

The ‘Forest Shack’ has just three tables for four. It is already fully booked until Christmas 2011 with the usual auctions to get the prized bookings in the early months. So, if you start saving now, you too could be dining à la Trudgeon in 2012!!