By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka
The restlessly creative poetic genius of Colinsey Road, Penzance -- 'Odgo (the 'dg' is pronounced as in 'Stodge') Semmens -- has, following a recent visit to The Buttery at the top of Morrab Road, been inspired to pick up his pen again.
As the Roundup receives thousands of requests for his works each day, we are pleased to be able to publish this latest work, which he wrote before being rushed into hospital for emergency treatment in respect of his sky-high cholesterol levels.Cornish Fare
When St Peter, 'ungry at the gate, sets down to take a bite,
It is the noble pasty on which 'ee sets 'is sight.
Fer pasty is a seemly meal to take at any time,
An it duh go down proper wi' a drop of Adam's wine.
When Mawther asks ee tuh come in tuh drink a cup o' tay
You'll get a slice of 'eavy cake and that'll make yer day.
'Er 'eavy is the lightest cake that you could come to know
'An you'll be glad for one more slice when it is time to go.
But, there is one vision in my mind -- a picture clear and steady
An image pure of Cornwall's best - for which I am ever ready.
An' if you're Cornish too, my friend, you'll recognise my dream --
A slice or two of saffron cake an' a 'uge git dolp o' cream.
Odgo
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Ladies!
Do you sometimes suffer from pains in the back passage? You need suffer no longer! Petula Penberthy, who herself suffered excruciating agony for five decades, has invented her own wonder potion to banish those pains to the past for ever more!!
Pictured here on the left, Petula Penberthy (wearing a hat of her own design!) suffered badly from both pains and unwelcome smells for many a year.
Desperation led her to experiment with many a substance in order to overcome the fearsome pain and the ferocious odours, which her tortured body emitted day and night.
Release eventually came one moonlit night when she stumbled upon two rutting gay badgers out Nancledra way. She has never spoken of what happened that night or of how she made her miraculous discovery. However she how has a menagerie of some 4,000 gay badger pairs and is producing the 'stuff' by the litre.
It works and, now with a sprightly step in her gait, Petula Penberthy is a living testimony to the efficacy of her "Gay Badger's do's". It is now available to you for the give-away price of only £450 per litre (to be externally applied twice a day - wearing protective gloves!) Available for sale exclusively at Tregenza's of Greenmarket, Penzance.
'ODGO SEMMENS - 'CORNISH FARE"
SWF - SPARGO GIVES HIS BLESSING!!
by Language Correspondent Adelaide Lilicrap
Diary notes for Readers. We are frequently asked what is coming up next by our readers, in particular by five persistent folk, who, apparently speaking from the cramped confines of a telephone box, describe themselves as 'Cornish MPs'. The Roundup will be investigating their claim to be "representing Cornwall".
For the present, the members of the Roundup's 24 person Editorial Council working with Mr Sylvanus Penhaul are content for it to be known that the next three items - in order - will be a work from the great 'Odgo, the tale of the Lamorna Bus Shelter fiasco and the 'English' Heritage story's unexpected, but pleasing, outcome.
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU
The Roundup has achieved enormous success in bringing together lonely people who are looking for love in West Cornwall.
Indeed, following the international attention the Roundup has received after its perceptive coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest, it may well be that some of our international readers might like to make contact with some of the special people we present today.
We do also invite international readers to view our older posts covering such interesting items as politics with insightful articles on Bush/Putin, Sarkozy and with special focuses on foreign embassies in Relubbus ; culture with a particular emphasis on poetry and music; and a host of other fascinating offerings including our famous FREE dating facility - Lonely Hearts. Don't forget to POST A COMMENT before you go.
We make no charge for our Lonely Hearts service and simply regard its free provision as being another hallmark of socially responsible journalism. Here are some more folk who are looking for love... from you?
Willy Bosiddick (32) is a well-known milkman from Rosudgeon, the gay capital of West Cornwall. Despite living in this "den of Sodom", as it has been designated by a succession of Methodist fundamentalist preachers, Willy is firmly heterosexual in orientation. He is, in fact, also married with 7 children. Having been married to the same person since the age of 16, he now wishes to experiment further, though only with willing single women, as he fervently insists, revealing a concealed poetic bent, "Despite coming from 'ere (Rosudgeon), I ain't bleddy queer!"
Willy insisted on being photographed wearing this papier mache head so that his wife, Rosemary, wouldn't recognise him. As he says "If she duh see this and duh knaw i's me, I'll get bleddy 'ell." We did try to warn him... Ladies, if you are interested in a man who claims to be the soul of discretion itself, then Box 5682 is the one for you.
Horton Baragwaneth (29) is a fully qualified dentist with his own surgery in Zennor. Horton is a sensitive man, who was badly hurt by an affair some years ago with a girl who worked in the Warrens shop in Market Jew Street. Having been single for some years now -- after his unfortunate affair -- Horton is ready to try again with someone who could share the interests he has acquired in the interim.
Horton is a collector. He has never thrown a tooth away and now has 1,769 samples, all labelled. Branching our from dentistry, he also has one of the largest stool samples in West Cornwall, thanks to the specially adapted patients' toilet in his surgery. He eagerly admits that he is only 27 away from his first 1,000 in this collection. Ladies, if you would like to share Horton's life and his collections, write in to Box 4571.
Irene Upton O'Good (42) is an Irish potter working in Sancreed. Irene took up pottery during her second stretch in prison. Shy about past achievements, she will not say what she was in for, beyond saying that "it will be the last time that bastard ever screws another woman". She is a member of the Sancreed branch of Pyromaniacs Anonymous.
A gifted virtuoso castanets player, Irene is devoted to developing her artistic side. She does not wish to return to prison and is therefore looking for a quiet relationship with a man (or woman, a taste acquired in prison) who can offer a home to her and her thirty two pet weasels. Box 7629
Terry/Teri Angwin (25) is a tranvestite electrician from Hayle. A bearded, 25 stone, club-footed hulk of a man, he is able -- in the evenings -- to transform himself into the dream young woman on the left and assumes the name Teri.
Terry plays in the back row for the Cornish Pirates rugby team, none of whom know about his feminine side, although Terry tells us that he had a hot night with one of them when he had put on his make-up to become Teri. Clearly a complex character, Terry/Teri would like a relationship with an understanding man, who would accept Terry's life as an electrician and a rugby player. Box 5683
Madron Pengelly (56) is a butcher from St Just, who was divorced from his second wife just a year ago, after she discovered him in the cellar with their Labrador dog.
Madron is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society, a member also of two different male choirs, and is a bellringer. He still plays with the Meccano set he received as boy of ten and enjoys all card and board games.
He is pictured here with his organ, his favourite possession, and would like to find someone new in his life who will enjoy his organ as much as he does. As a bachelor he lives on shop pasties and Jelbert's ice cream. His dream will be complete if he can find "a good woman, 'oo can cook proper!" Box 5673
Gaspar Ruiz (76) is a former Cardinal from the USA, who retired to Cornwall following certain allegations. Conspicuous in Tremethick Cross because he still wears all the regalia of his former office, Gaspar is on orders to keep a low profile. He has joined the local Men's knitting circle and has also joined the queue for a place in the Tregavarah Bowls Club.
A keen pipe smoker -- getting through two tins of Dunhill's Early Morning pipe tobacco each day -- Gaspar is keen to form a pipe-smoking club in Tremethick Cross. He is keen to hear from anyone -- man or woman -- who would like to join his club. He would be particularly keen to hear from anyone else in Tremethick Cross who wears -- or would like to wear -- clerical garb like him. Box 5734.
BLOC VOTING ENSURES EUROVISION SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS
Report on the Eurovision Song Contest by Cultural Correspondent, Gissa Tune
STOP PRESS, Saturday 24th May, 4:30 p.m.: Relubbus's success in the contest is now virtually assured, after it was confirmed earlier today that almost all of the members of the Union of Kernow States, including Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, intend to vote for Relubbus. The only notable exception is the People's Republic of Hayle (with which, of course, Relubbus is currently at war). The Relubbus camp are confident that the massive power of the Kernow bloc will comfortably outweigh the other voting blocs from Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, and the Balkans.
The world hunkers down in preparation to celebrate one of the greatest cultural events of the year in the Eurovision Song Contest. Nowhere is this feast of song more eagerly awaited than in Relubbus, which, because of its acknowledged deep reservoir of talent, is unique in being allowed three entries to the contest.
The Roundup has decided to take a peek behind the rehearsal curtains (at the Relubbus Scout Hut) and take a closer look at the three privileged acts, to whom falls the inestimable honour of representing Relubbus.
First up under the microscope is the undoubted shining talent of retired postman and musical maestro, Dickie Berhardinus Botheras (79). Dickie is a favourite amongst the glitterati of Relubbus high society and is a regular performer much in demand at the Relubbus Conservatoire.
Some might deem him an unusual highbrow choice for the more populist Eurovision contest, particularly as he will be offering no vocals at all. Instead he will rely on his faithful old saw and provide stirring music for the soul in another of his famous solo peformances.
Dickie is getting quite excited about his first Eurovision contest and has been receiving special attention for his bladder weakness so that he is not let down on the night. Nerves apart, he is confident of doing well and, clutching a brand-new saw from B&Q, declared "'S in the bag, boy!"
A surprise weapon in the Relubbus arsenal for this year's assault on the Eurovision is an entry from Denzil 'Alice' Liddicoat (51), the only male member of the Relubbus Lesbian Speed Crochet group.
Alice, as he likes to be known, is a fully qualified plasterer and decorator and is believed to be the only person in Relubbus to have taken the full three month yodelling course run by Dirk Bumgartner in Vaduz, Liechtenstein in preparation for the contest.
The authorities have given Alice their full backing by letting her off her Community Service sentence for long enough to attend the course. High Court Judge Lentil Tregenza commented "It will be good for Denzil and it will be good for Relubbus".
Music Aficionados believe that Alice's natural falsetto voice will set her up well for the yodelling song she intends to perform. An own composition, the song is entitled "Yodelaity" and contains a moving text, which tells the story of an unlikely but passionate love affair between a dubiosexual plasterer and Joanna Lumley.
Without doubt, the runaway leaders in the trio of Relubbus acts to take on Eurovision is the award-winning duo of Bert Clemo (39) on squeezebox and Dan Jago (62) on guitar.
After a lifetime of jamming in clubs all around Relubbus to the delight of their devoted following, the couple finally turned professional last autumn, both handing in their notice at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, creating two vacancies in the fruit and veg section.
Since then, they have enjoyed phenomenal success, with each new record release going straight to the top of the singles charts. With a close eye to what has proved successful in Eurovision in the past, they have set their own new lyrics to the tune of "Going up Camborne 'Ill" in an attempt to win over the European public.
For those familiar with the tune, we provide the first verse of the lyrics so that you can sing along:
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
In trials in Liechtenstein, the easy text of the song has been found to make it a great Euro singalong favourite and so the boys' hopes are high. You will soon have a chance to judge for yourself.
The night before the Eurovision, you will be able to hear the song on Simon Cowheel's "Relubbus Has Got Talent" Show, as the boys perform, accompanied by the Mousehole Nonagenarian Near-Nude Female Zimmer and Dance Troupe.
A SPECIAL WELCOME TO ALL OUR CURIOUS VISITORS FROM MAINLAND EUROPE!
Relubbus looks forward to welcoming you within its borders in the not too distant future.
Every visitor to Relubbus before the end of June will receive a free Cornish pasty !
The Roundup's articles over the past year will educate you about Relubbus and its glorious history. It has, for instance, a surviving colony from Roman times, which is still Latin-speaking! Just one of the many, many amazing facts about Relubbus, which has embassies all over Europe! Look here to find the Roundup's report on YOUR Embassy in Relubbus!
CORNWALL TO BE RENAMED!
By Political Correspondent Rendell Janner
Following a recent Roundup report about the use of English Heritage as a tool for the Anglicisation of the Cornish, this newspaper has succeeded in obtaining details of a secret and shocking plan to eradicate Cornwall as we know it.
It is our duty to publish details of this dastardly plan. It will doubtless raise the fear temperature in Kernow to levels never reached before. It should also cause every right-thinking Cornish person to stand up and resist this looming evil, which is already well upon us.
The plan -- known in UK Government circles as Marina -- sees the indigenous Cornish gradually moved out by force of economic migration. The origins of the plan can be traced back many years to an unlikely collaboration between Winston Churchill and Sir Billy Butlin, in an objective called Holiday Camp Cornwall. In the original plan, the Cornish were merely to be turned into workers in England's largest holiday camp, in order to provide some dim lights of gaiety in gloomy 1950s Britain.
During the Thatcher years, this plan -- as did many others -- took on dark and sinister characteristics in the clammy, dead-hand grip of the funereally-smiling Home Secretary, Michael Howard, shown left.Project Marina -- represented on his desk by a little fishing boat called Kernow, which he often fondled whilst hatching his chilling plans for the Cornish and others -- contains a number of key objectives.
The attainment of these goals has been consistently pursued by the upper echelons of the English Civil service and each of their political masters ever since. They are:
1) Tax breaks will be offered to people in the South East, earning more than £250,000 a year, who wish to buy a house in Cornwall for occasional holiday use only. No stamp duty will apply in such cases and purchasers will be able to offset the entire purchase against income tax.
2) The impact of point 1 will make it even more difficult for the Cornish to buy homes in their own land. As more and more homes are given over to occasional use, the necessary infrastructure to support local life (schools and medical services) will collapse. This will drive the Cornish out to the re-settlement areas in the brownfield sites of former industrial Northern England, which await them and the rest of the poor not fit to live in the South.
3) Social Housing will remain for some of the Cornish, since some menials will be required to service the needs of the rich, who will make infrequent, but loving, use of our land.
4) All Cornish names should gradually be replaced by full-blooded English names, such as Smallhampton for Truro and Holyhead instead of the alien-sounding "Penzance", so that English people can feel more at home. At the very end of the process, the name "Cornwall" should itself be replaced by the English-sounding West Wessex.
That is Project Marina. Already, all over Cornwall there are signs of development projects that are designed to benefit -- not the indigenous Cornish -- but those who are destined to take their place in West Wessex.
One such development project is that for the marina complex in the former Penlee Quarry between Newlyn and Mousehole, which will house yachts costing hundreds of thousands of pounds and offer dwellings (for part-time use, of course) at similarly high prices.
Clearly such amenities are not for the locals, who earn on average £13,000 annually, if they are lucky. This is just one of many projects designed to take Cornwall from its people, like taking a mother from her baby, and offer it to those who can pay, just like offering that mother to those who can pay.
The Roundup cornered the Press Officer of the Government Office of the South West, Mr Heinrich Zap-Kernow, as he made his way to Madam Zarah Strict for his weekly therapy visit. He tried to calm growing Cornish fears about loss of identity and indeed of homeland.
Mr Zap-Kernow, who only recently changed his name from Zap-Poland in an attempt to please the Cornish, stated that:
"The people of Cornwall, or West Wessex as it will shortly be known, have no need to fear the loss of their homeland, since, in the future, literally anyone with the necessary funds (income of £250,000 or disposable assets of £1 million) will be able to purchase a home in Cornwall -- and even live in it all year round, if they can tear themselves away from London and Waitrose for long enough. Quite frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about."
The Roundup feels that it is high time that the Cornish realise what is happening to Cornwall. Be alert, watch closely, analyse the changing elements, sharpen your wits and tongue, and speak out for Cornwall!
Editor
ZENNOR POLGLAZE INVENTS TIME CAMERA!
NANCLEDRA INVENTOR MAKES STARTLING BREAKTHROUGH
Zennor Polglaze (32) is a shy retiring young man who has only once previously and unintentionally stepped into the glaze of public view, when he was arrested 12 years ago for "irregularities" involving a hedgehog, which sadly did not survive the ordeal.
Putting this sorry incident behind him, "Prickles" Polglaze, as he later came to be known, moved on to become one of the greatest time theorists the world has ever known.
Pictured on the left, Prickles might seem to some to be an unprepossessing character, but behind those eyes lurks a brain that sees connections to which other mortals are blind.
In short, Prickles believes that every event that ever happened -- anywhere -- has been "recorded" by the environment in which it occurred.
"Fine", some people scoffed, "but show me your proof". It was then that Prickles began his work on the Chronocamera or time camera. This picks up images from the past.
Prickles' mother lives in a old fisherman's cottage in Newlyn. By leaving his camera on in his mother's front room, the following image materialised of a long-departed inhabitant of the cottage, now identified as one Tresco Botallack, who died in 1864 at the age of 35.
Scientists and historians alike are amazed at the astounding breakthrough that Prickles has made, and now Cornish linguists too are getting excited at the prospect of Prickles' next great step forward, which is to be the Chrono-video camera. This will be able to record events and conversations from the past, enabling linguists to hear spoken mother-tongue Cornish from 300 years ago for the first time.
Prickles has explained that his researches have cost him considerable sums of money and that he cannot conceive of releasing further photos and certainly not videos until he has received "a large sum" from the County Council. He is expecting a sum to be "the right side of £84 and no council tax for the rest of his life". Councillors are said to be considering the matter.
Cornish linguists are said to be "champing at the bit" to hear Cornish spoken by native speakers from years ago.
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Keep up with the internet!!
Are you living in the past? Do you think that those who talk of the Internet are specialist fishermen? Are "Facebook" and "Myspace" foreign terms to you?
If so, then come to the "Face of he Future" talks at the Young Methodist Women's meetings on Thursday nights at Parade Street Methodist Chapel, to listen to Gladys Polwhele, who styles herself as "one o' they internet gurus".
Gladys is, as pictured on the left at the Penzance switchboard, at the forefront of modern technology, and will explain all the intricacies of the modern computer world, starting with the telephone -- a truly marvellous device, which enables you, with the greatest of ease, to speak to people who are out of earshot -- or even further away.
Gladys is a daring damsel of the 21st century, who is fully at home with all these new-fangled devices. Having been "on the board" in Penzance for a good number of years, she even claims to have been able to listen into conversations between the one-time Premier, Harold Wilson, and his secretary -- some say paramour -- Lady Forkbender in the days when he spent his summers on the Scilly Islands.
Gladys -- who still works on the switchboard in Penzance, all by herself -- has nevertheless moved on to embrace the full palette of technological advances and is able to give enlightened tutorials on a range of complex subjects, including when to press button A or B in call boxes, and who and where the operator is in any West Cornish situation (always her, as she is the only operator in an otherwise fully automated exchange).
However, sensationally and latterly, she is also able to give guidance on matters such as the Internet "an all they gobbledegook subjecks".
If you are seeking technological enlightenment, come along to see Gladys Polwhele at Parade Street Methodist Church on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.00pm. Entrance £79, cash only.
