By Literary Editor Barrabas Tonkin 
The Beastie Book of Bad Hair, by Tobias Slaphead. 399 pages, published by Baldie at £59.99.
This sumptuously illustrated volume, containing as it does 103 full colour plates, 44 black and white photographs, and 78 line drawings of unfortunate coiffures, is a must for all serious students of the bouffant, beehive, and mullet.
The Art of Funerary Violin, by Wolfgang Amadeus Mincetart, 3 pages, published by Decca at £799.50.
If you take your violin to the memorial service and someone asks you to play, you need never be at a loss again! Tunes to suit all tastes, from the solemn (Ol' Man River) to the celebratory (Ragtime Cowboy Joe). Recommended.
How Green Were The Nazis?, by Josef Goebbels Jnr. 199 pages, published by NeoCon Books at £3.99.
A refreshingly original book that challenges the stereotypical view of the Nazis as war-mongering mass-murderers. The author has a most persuasive writing style that forces you to question familiar clichés. For example, who would have guessed that Hermann Goering's favourite pastime was cultivating tulips, or that Himmler was "rather similar" to Goering in this (as in one other, better known, respect)?
The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories, by Gilda Mare. 599 pages, published by Girls' Own Publishing at £17.99. Illustrated.
Aimed at pony-mad girls aged 10 to 16, this item should be lapped up by parents of this hard-to-buy-for age group.
The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book, by Nicherles Lappin. 978 pages, published by M&S at £1.99.
Six hundred and sixty-eight ideas of what to do with old (preferably unsoiled) underwear.
The Thermodynamics of Pizza, by Harold J. Morowitz. 1 page, published by the University of Lower Gwavas. Price varies according to toppings.
This is a learned work that should be attempted only by physicists who have studied to post-graduate level.
The Waterless Toilet. Is It Right For You?, by Tom Crapper. 300 pages (including 20 blank 'for emergencies'), published by Closet at 20p.
Contains invaluable advice and diagrams to help you construct your own environmentally-friendly waterless loo.
BOOK REVIEWS
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RELUBBUS ELECTIONS "FLAWED"
By our award-winning political correspondent, Rendell Janner
In an announcement that will send shock waves through the international community, EU election monitors have declared the recent Relubbus elections, in which Councillor Billy Spargo was elected to the newly-created posts of President of the Republic and Father and Protector of the Nation to be "flawed".
The two posts are held for life, rather than for a fixed term of years, so any suggestion of electoral impropriety is bound to cause alarm in capitals around the globe. 
Last week, the Relubbus Electoral Commission announced that Councillor Spargo (pictured left) -- the sole candidate -- had received 99.98% of the votes cast. In absolute terms, he received 28 million votes (from an electorate of 38,000).
Now, however, the EU monitors have raised substantial doubts about the legitimacy of the election by claiming to have uncovered "serious irregularities". They have apparently identified thousands of instances of impersonation, multiple voting, and "ballot stuffing" (cramming a ballot box with spurious votes from fictitious voters). 
Tregavarah Ventongimps (left), the Stalinist leader of the People's Republic of Hayle, and Councillor Spargo's arch-enemy, lost no time in trumpeting the monitors' findings as evidence that Greater Relubbus is a "failed state, presided over by a corrupt geriatric".
Other members of the Union of Kernow States were more muted in their criticisms. A spokeswoman for Lower Gwavas called on the Relubbus Electoral Commission to "clarify the situation", while Crowlas, Treneere, and Crows An Wra merely voiced their "disquiet" and Nanpean expressed its "concern".
Stop Press:
News has just reached us of a mass demonstration, consisting of some 30 people, in Boswedden Lane. The demonstrators carried placards declaring "SPARGO MUST GO!" and "GOGO SPARGO!" The mood of the crowd was ugly, and eggs were hurled at the statue of Councillor Spargo in Times Square. However, the demonstration was soon broken up by massed ranks of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek (KKK).
The Roundup believes that a wind of change is blowing through Relubbus. Never have demands for democracy, reform, and progress been voiced so clearly. But a wind also blows from the opposite direction, emanating from Councillor Spargo, and who knows yet which will prevail? Could Councillor Spargo's 40-year reign be about to come to an end? We will bring you more on this story as we have it.
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OATES’ OUTRAGE OVER INDIAN CALL CENTRE
RC Oates (62), pictured here in happier times, the fabulously wealthy Relubbus entrepreneur, is taking a former business 
partner, Eric J Addicoat (73), to court following the initial failure of Mr Oates’ recently launched car breakdown service.
According to Mr Oates, who is also chair of the Relubbus Justice Oversight Commission, the success of this new venture had been ruined by Mr Addicoat’s contribution. Mr Addicoat had been engaged to provide a cut-price telephone facility for the desperate motorists to contact in the event of an emergency.
Mr Addicoat explained from the painfully small oubliette, in which he had been temporarily confined prior to his transfer to prison, that he had heard that Indian call centres were the cheapest way of managing telephone services of this sort.
Mr Addicoat then secured the services of a native American tourist to work in the ‘call centre’. Chief Quanah Nocona (103), who speaks only Comanche, agreed via sign language to ‘use white man’s speaking machine’ for £5 a day with pasties thrown in.
However, the poor motorists who ‘phoned up hoping to be rescued by the new Oates’ breakdown service were greeted by the sound of a mournful Comanche chant in honour of those ancestors who had passed on to the care of the Great White Spirit.
Said Miss Edna Osborne (93) of Nancledra, “I duh need my car, which is as old as what I am. So I paid my £450 fer the ‘the full whack’ service includin ‘Ome start’. Yes’day I wanted to g’win town and ee wouldn’ start up. I ‘phoned the ‘mergency number and all I got was bleddy Tonto crowin’ away. Not ‘appy, I can tell ee!!”
All 14,000 people who tried to use the service in West Penwith over the first two days were greeted by the baleful sound of Chief Nocona’s seemingly endless lament.
After 48 hours of failure, news of the disaster reached the multi-billionaire entrepreneur RC 
(“jes call me Arsey!”) Oates at his sumptuous summer holiday cottage in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Shaking with rage, he demanded that his security units place ‘that bugger Addicoat” in the dreaded oubliette, (pictured left) beneath the toilets of his flagship megastore in Relubbus.
Mr Oates has declined to replace the Addicoat ‘Indian call centre” with a more traditional call centre sited in India. The hard-nosed businessman has not taken this decision through any fluttering fanciful patriotism. He maintains rather that it is a sad, but true, fact that Cornwall is one of the very poorest parts of Britain.
It is simply far cheaper to employ Cornish people than to set up the needlessly complicated arrangements required to service Cornish motoring needs from Bangalore. As he says himself, “If I duh break down up Pendeen, I want to speak to someone in Botallack, not bleddy Bangalore."
DEBUTANTES BALLS ARE BACK!!
Yes, meet the young ladies of style from West Penwith!
On the left are 8 proud new graduates from the Crows an Wra Young Ladies' Finishing School, who will shortly be introduced as debutantes at the Annual Boswedden Lane Debutantes Ball in September.
This grand social event will be presided over, with his customary seigniorial aplomb, by none other than the esteemed Relubbus Council leader Billy Spargo (107) himself, and whichever belle on whom he chooses to bestow the signal honour of his company on this most prestigious of social occasions in the Cornish calendar.
For certain technical reasons, this tends to be a geriatric nurse with particular experience in urological problems, but this year Councillor Spargo appears to be casting caution to the wind.
Despite his, to lesser folk, incapacitating urological and wind problems, it is hotly rumoured around the fashionable salons of Boswedden Lane that the venerated Relubbus leader (pictured here on the left), will be foregoing his usual practice of taking an experienced nursing companion and instead escorting the young lady on the far left of the top photo, Miss Clamydia Trelowarren (21) to the ball.
The other ladies in the top photo – all aged 21 and all from the top drawer of Relubbus society – are, (to Miss Trelowarren’s right) Miss Cynthia Bunt, Miss Lavinia Minge, Miss Mocca Tartt, Miss Spenda Penny and Miss Dorla Rescorla.
The two girls seated at the front (or ‘gels’ as they prefer to be known) are a tight-knit pair from Botallack, who like to be known as the ‘no-knickers brigade’. They are Miss Brenda Bramanagath and Miss Gwendoline Gwenn.
In accordance with tradition, one lucky debutante will be selected as Queen of the Ball.
The 
young lady will then be showered with valuable gifts, including this year a £5 voucher to be redeemed at Simpson’s of Penzance; a set of nearly-new heated rollers; a half price cup of coffee at the Wimpy Bar; a free ‘blue rinse’ at Shelley’s Hair and Beauty at St Just and a set of tingly horsehair underwear made to measure by the up and coming King of Lingerie himself, Mr Derek Split-Crotch of Newbridge (pictured left, just putting the finishing touches, with mawther’s iron, to a pair of size 20 panties in genuine plastique.)
The only ‘onerous’ duties are the official opening of the refurbished toilets at Newlyn harbour and the requirement to act as a ‘greeter’ at the toilets from 7.00 am till 9.00 pm for the first 60 days after opening.
This is followed by a week of being duty streetwalker (deputising for ace local tart Ada Quick) at St Buryan (from 3.00 pm until 7.30 pm), donating all proceeds to the Botallack Home for Fallen Women.
However, with all this local exposure, it is easy to see why so many young women regard the attainment of the ‘Queen of the Ball’ title as the best possible launchpad into the world of the West Penwith glitterati. Accordingly, we can only say, may the best young lady win!! We will be reporting further...
ANGRY DRAMA STUDENTS DEMAND THEIR MONEY BACK
Marazion Impresario, Ivan Organ, (52) is facing a class legal action in the Relubbus courts from 1,000 angry drama students from around West Penwith who were seduced into parting with £500 each to become registered as an ‘Organ Extra’.
Organ, pictured left, achieved international recognition for his undoubted skills as a clapper board operator in Relubbus TV export favourites such as Emergency Ward 9; Mr Pasty; The Nighttime Adventures of the Lonely Ranger with his partner, Rio Tinto; Monday Night at the Relubbus Panopticon and Bollocks from Botallack, the intriguing and popular late night Arts talk show for naturists.
Organ's career had fallen into something of a lull and he had been forced into working as a car part attendant in the field opposite the Mount in order to make ends meet. He then decided to set up a business supplying extras to the Relubbus media industry, in which his clapper board has made him a known face. He targeted the aspiring stars and starlets of West Penwith.
Plausibly, he explained to them all that they could not expect to begin their acting careers as high earners in Hollywood. Firstly, they would need to gain valuable experience and the easiest way to do this would be by working as an extra. As he maintains now, he could - and he did - provide them with valuable work experience.
The aggrieved would-be stars maintain that they have gained no media experience at all.
Mr 
Organ’s legal representative, Mr M. T. Head, pictured left, roundly dismissed such claims.
He declared, in a written statement, “Mr Organ procured an opportunity for all 1,000 students to work as extras in the crowd during the recent Cornish Pirates versus Relubbus rugby match. This match was broadcast over Relubbus radio and eight listeners have testified to the fact that, beneath the running commentary, they could distinctly hear crowd noises. It cannot be denied that some of these noises will have been made by the extras. Accordingly, Mr Organ has kept his word and given them all media exposure as promised.”
Margot Lesquick (21) currently a trainee hairdresser but also an aspiring starlet and an 'Organ Extra' declared, tearfully chewing on her cigar, "That bleddy bastard ‘ave took all my savin’s! I'm worried silly I am and my enty duh say that I duh now look 60 year older!
"We all ‘ad to pay to get in to see that rugby too - which I duh ‘ate anyway – an’ we weren’t never on the telly or nuthin. We were mixed in with the rugby crowd and no one couldn’t never ‘ear me. My Dad’s gunna find out where Organ duh live and ee’s goin roun there to giv’un a bleddy smack in the mouth!!”
It emerged that Mr Organ has decamped to France, where he is staying at Chateau NatWest with an old business acquaintance, Sir Fred Goodwin (a man regarded by many as a similar robber), until things cool down a bit.
The Roundup will pursue this story further.
