FASHION NEWS

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
by Fashion Editor Morwenna Behenna

Modeled here by the Roundup's sub-sub-editor and part-time supermodel, man-about-town Parsley Trebilcock, is the latest thing in men's all-weather couture.

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• With integrated hood and buttons!
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AS SUPPLIED TO RNLI CREWS!
Complete with instructions (in Italian).
For a limited time only, this item is available -- exlusively from the R.C. Oates superstore at Crowlas, or online at www.oatesripoffs.com -- at the special promotional price of $899.99. But hurry! Stocks are limited!
Note: In order to prevent damage, care should be taken when fastening/unfastening the buttons. Also, this garment is not designed to be worn in bed.

RELUBBUS ANNOUNCEMENTS

Transformation

Mr Antelope Telegraph (89) wishes it to be known that he will henceforth be known as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

Mr Telegraph, who was never married, thought it a dreadful shame that he had never acquired his “own little woman”. He therefore decided that he would undergo the necessary surgery to become a woman so that he could style himself as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

After successful application of the RC Oates Home Surgery Kit, a cheery Mrs Agnes Telegraph (ex Mr Antelope Telegraph) declares “Well, at least it has cured my prostate problems!”

Seduction

Mr and Mrs Eric Quigley of Ponsandane are pleased to announce the seduction of their daughter, Alice (18) , by multi-billionnaire businessman and philanthropist, Mr W G Trevaskis (58) of Relubbus.

The seduction took pace at the Quigley family home and was filmed by a triumphant Mr Quigley who had “rigged up the front room with lots of cameras”.

Beside herself with joy, an excited Mrs Quigley said “She bin after ‘ee ever since she got a job up ‘is shop. We’re sum proud of our maid!”

Refutation

The Reverend Sigmund Portcullis (72) hereby issues an adamant refutation of tales recounted by the malicious and irresponsible to the effect that he had anything whatever to do with the ‘goings-on’ at the Penlee Park Gentlemen’s toilets at 7.30 pm last Tuesday evening.

He explains that he was merely out for a bracing stroll, when he was caught short, necessitating a visit to the toilets nearby. The fact that he shot off, when the police arrived, should not be interpreted as an indication of guilt. Furthermore, the fact that, in his hurry to leave, he had left his trousers behind was a natural consequence of his increasing forgetfulness.

Affirmation

PC Geoffrey ‘Ollis (29) (of Camborne) is pleased to announce to the public that he has just celebrated a civil partnership ceremony with Roger “Deirdre” Penscab (42). The Devon and Cornwall Police have - weeks ago - given up their anti-gay policies and practices and are delighted to have the opportunity of supporting Geoffrey and Roger (a car mechanic from Long Rock) in their marriage.

Geoffrey says “They’ve been ever so nice to we. Paid fer the photographer and they’re gunna give we a nice police ‘ouse to live in too. Sarge even cumeer and give me and Rog a kiss!”

So that’s a pink thumbs up to the Devon and Cornwall Police!

ROUNDUP CELEBRATES INVENTIVE RELUBBUS

Treloar’s COC (Cornish One-man Car) is part of the answer to Climate Change!

The fertile mind of Sidney Treloar (35), Perranuthnoe farmer and part-time scientist and engineer has been wrestling with the urgent need to address the challenge of Climate Change and he decided to take on the challenge of transport.

Having camped out on the A30 for several days observing the nature of the constant traffic flow, Treloar was struck by the number of cars that contained only one person - the driver.

“I waz camped out there fer three days and I couldn’ bleeve it. 85% of the cars that went past only ‘ad the driver innun”, he declared in his breathless soprano. He concluded that needless metal, needless seats, needless fuel was all simply going to waste.

It was then that he had his brilliant idea of designing the COC, the Cornish One-man Car. The COC is a compact one seater that uses petrol, but achieves a miraculous 159 miles to the gallon and moves from 0 to 60 mph in just three minutes.

It comes complete with a strap-on umbrella hat for rainy weather and – before you object that it is no good for the family – you can attach carriages to the back so that you can carry up to five people.

Having designed the prototype, Treloar has now secured the backing of W G Trevaskis (103), the famous multi-billionaire businessman and philanthropist. Trevaskis is building a plant at Long Rock, which will produce 1,500 COCs each week. The new cars are expected to be marketed at a bargain price of just £750 each. It is expected that this low price will attract buyers not only from Relubbus but from around the world.

Win a COC for free!!!!!

Yes, it’s true, you could be the proud owner of one of these new COC cars for free!!!. Just phone the magic number 0845 48195298* and answer this simple question. Who designed the COC?

A Sidney Treloar

B Leonardo da Vinci

C Henry VIII

*Calls cost £14 per minute with 50% of proceeds going to the Trevaskis Foundation for Fallen Women In Ludgvan

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

People seeking people

Renée Dunk (53) is a traffic warden from Marazion, but she is also a very special person, because she has recently won the fabulous £3.49 prize that goes with the title of Relubbus Equestrian Tennis Champion 2009. Can you spot the tennis racket in this photo?

Rene – as she prefers to be known – is the only person known to play tennis on horseback in the whole of Relubbus. She is wondering if there is a young man out there who would like to play with her? Reply to Roundup Box 1

Bernice, a wild girl (63) from Nancledra wants a strong man to tame her. “Will you be my Hercules?”

Although currently confined to home waiting for two hip replacements and one knee, she is still feisty and hungry for love.

Bernice likes going in on the bus to Penzance, but would love a romantic weekend for two in Relubbus "with the right man with all 'is bits workin'". Roundup Box 2

Hetty (aged somewhere between 21 and 74), lives in a bedsit in Morrab Road, Penzance. She has conquered deafness to become a viola soloist (in her own room).

She works in the Prom KWOP and is addicted to logic puzzles and nicotine. Likes body metal and is into controlled pain – for others.

Seeks young men who are willing to serve. Roundup Box 3

Neville (31) a farmhand from Botallack seeks a woman to share his varied interests. He has become something of an expert in cross-stitch and is the current West Penwith (West) gooseberry growing champion, having produced a whopper of 8 inches circumference, which he will be happy to show you.

He has a bicycle chain collection of 749 pieces from around the world and which contains one piece dating back to 1915. They need to be washed and greased every day. Neville is looking for the right lady to help him and, as he says, “Hey, and whilst our hands are greasy,…..” Roundup Box 4

Vladimir is a man with a problem. He has a charming wife and two children and leads a busy life as a Prime Minister running a large country in Eastern Europe, the name of which he would like to keep quiet. However, over the years, he has come to realise that he has been living a lie, as some of his publicity photos have revealed.

Increasingly, he wishes to show - and share - his feminine side – with an understanding male. After consulting (at great expense) a medium – Mrs Bathsheba Liddicoat (95) – whilst on incognito holiday in the People’s Republic of Hayle, he has come to realise that he desperately needs to occasionally leave the hustle and bustle of public life and cuddle up in West Cornwall with a ‘real man, who would take care of me”.

Vladimir would like to hear from a rugged accountant working anywhere the right side of Camborne (i.e. west of it), who lives alone, has a strong aroma, and who also likes to play knife games. Roundup Box 5

Goods and Services

Singer serenader(s) for that special occasion!! If it’s important, ‘say it with a song’, be it a 109^th birthday; making a marriage proposal; wanting to give Dad a good final send-off. We can provide the perfect mood music for any event . Choose any one or combination of Horace Melly (81 and baritone), Gladys Tink (79 and soprano) and Joseph Art (49 and castrato). £3.50 an hour for one voice, £6.50 for two and £8.50 for all three. A further £5 will secure performance in underwear and £10 for a completely nude show. (NB Wheelchair access is required for Mr Melly). St Buryan 402764

Exotic cheeses for Christmas. You can make cheese from any sort of milk and no one knows that better than Doris Daniel (87). She lovingly creates her unusual cheeses from rat, yak, dog, pig, skunk and her very own cat’s milk. All varieties available at just £75 per pound. But remember, it is special and you will never eat any thing like it again!! Goldsithney 57291

Yes, you can be gay at Christmas!! Full range of LBGT-themed wallpaper, serviettes, toilet paper and paper hats!! Available from the Bent Gnome at Crowlas. 673021

Beat the winter cold with solar-powered heated slippers – just £250 the pair from Tregears at Mousehole. Just leave them in the sun for a summer and they will keep your feet warm as toast for 15 minutes at least!! Mousehole 693722

Novel Calor gas room fragrancer. What is it? Well, a wooden frame supports a bowl into which the perfume of your choice is poured, then the calor gas is lit and you have a room fragrancer that will be the envy of your friends!! Only £97.99 from Polwhele and Polwhele of Porthgwarra 529134 (NB you must supply your own bowl, fragrance and calor gas.)

Avalaff Promotions offer the new funtime diversion for smokers at Christmas – Gelignite Surprise. The cigarette box looks like normal No.6, but one of the ciggies is a stick of gelignite – just look at their faces when that goes off!! Long Rock 672013

Remaindered Arthur Scargill Fairy Tale Cassette Tapes. Yes, pack of cassette tapes featuring Arthur Scargill reading all your favourite fairy tales, but with a Socialist twist - just 49 pence a set!!. Free Scargill Wig with every pack, so that you can look like your hero! From People’s Republic of Hayle Socialist Funshop on Hayle 543981

STONES FOR PHONES!!!!!!!

A chance discovery on a beach one day has transformed the fortunes of 42 year old unemployed wooden-underwear maker, Ernie Pascoe. It has also changed forever the fortunes and dynamics of the mobile phone industry.

Ernie left school at 16 and having ‘jes scraped through’ CSE woodwork, sensibly decided to apply the knowledge he had painstakingly gained in woodwork to try out the wholly novel idea of fashioning young ladies’ underwear out of wood.

‘I did’un cos I fancied measurin’ and fittin’ they maids out’, he says. After frantic weeks of fabrication and splintered attempts at fitting with a very-soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, Ernie found himself unemployed and was unable to re-engage in the job market in his chosen field. He therefore got used to a life of penury on the ‘soshul’ for the next 26 years. With no money in his pockets, he used to spend his time walking around the countryside and trawling the beaches.

One day, on a beach the name of which he will not give for obvious reasons (but which is pictured here on the left), he was walking with his sister Tracy’s little boy, 7 years old Dick Warantreth. Dick, a spirited lad, observed others talking animatedly on their mobile ‘phones and suggested that they ‘play ‘phones’.

This meant picking up phone-sized stones and pretending that they were mobiles. Ernie selected two interesting-looking stones and gave one to young Dick and then retreated some 100 hundred yards.

The two put their phones to their ears and were astounded when they really could hear one another speaking. Overjoyed and, at the same time, disbelieving this experience, they went to opposite ends of the beach and whispered to each other and were truly amazed that they could still hear one another loud and clear.

This was the moment when Ernie’s life turned round. Dick (pictured here on the left and henceforth called ‘Moby Dick’ for his part in discovering stone mobile phones) and his mum were also set to benefit, as Ernie enthusiastically explored the potential of his chance find.

He discovered the following:-

Only pebbles of a certain type and marking had the necessary properties to function as phones.

These pebbles were only found on certain beaches in Cornwall and nowhere else. Whilst the pebbles and stones in Devon might look the same, they were useless as phones.

The stone-phones seemed to link into the thoughts of the user and connected to the person they wanted to speak to, if they had a normal mobile phone or a suitable stone.

All stone-phones show up on ordinary mobiles with the same number 06666 666 666.

The stones have been found to be able to store music, film and can access the internet – all powered by simple thought and wish alone.

He took his ‘find’ to RC Oates (97) , the famous Relubbus multi-billionnaire businessman and benefactor of the poor (pictured left), who immediately offered his financial backing. Oates has bought up all the beaches, on which the stones are to be found. They are guarded by land (above and beneath ground) sea and air by 5,000 men of Oates security personnel.

The stones are now being marketed as Oates’s Stone Phones for an incredible one-off price of just £3,000 each. Given that they will last a lifetime and beyond, this is very cheap at the price.

Oates has floated a company ‘Oates Stone Phones’ on the Relubbus stock market and investors have piled into the company, sending its share price rocketing from £5 a share to £6,543 a share in just 4 days and netting Mr Oates an immediate profit of £15 billion.

Mr Oates has also been exceedingly generous to young Pascoe, awarding him a finder’s fee of no less than £1,400 in used notes and giving him a job for life on £53 per week combing the beaches searching out the right stones.

Nor did ‘Moby Dick’ and his mum escape the warm embrace of Mr Oates’ famed generosity. ‘Moby’ is set to receive a free Lucky bag and a copy of the Beano for 10 weeks, whilst his Mum receives two FREE bottles of Babycham and a FREE set of purple nylon bedsheets.

Stop Press: The Relubbus Financial Times has just published a story to the effect that Oates Enterprises (the holding company for Mr Oates business empire) is in talks with Nokia to sell ‘Oates Stone Phones’ to the Finns for £37.9 billion.

CORNISH RAGE AT 'CUCKOOS' BOILS OVER IN MOUSEHOLE

The land of Cornwall has long since fallen victim to a plague of absentee homeowners (so-called ‘Cuckoos’). This richesse dorée anglaise has swooped down on to many of the most picturesque locations in Kernow to buy up housing for their own very occasional use and sometimes ‘as an investment, dear boy!’

This has had the appalling effect of putting local housing beyond the reach of the indigenous Cornish. We cannot afford to buy homes in our own land!

As Fidel Castro (54) himself said (in a four and half hour speech on the subject), whilst on a state visit to the prosperous island of social justice that is Spargo’s Relubbus: “This is dispossession of the cruellest type. I led a revolution in Cuba because of the exploitation of my homeland by neighbouring America. Here, I see exactly the same type of exploitation of Cornwall by neighbouring England. Viva la Revolucion!!”

One such blighted village is that of Mousehole, where the children of local folk cannot afford – on their local jobs, if they are lucky enough to have one – to buy or rent houses to live in the place in which they grew up – ‘English cuckoos’ have taken their nests!

However, some folk are no longer prepared to take this lying down. An army of 15,000 highly trained vigilantes – all as well armed as the model on the left – have decided to take matters into their own hands and have developed a strategy to rid Kernow of the ‘English Cuckoos’.

They are starting quietly - with a free car-modification programme for the Cuckoos on the very infrequent occasions on which they turn up to occupy their otherwise empty nests.

As this picture of treated Cuckoo cars in Mousehole shows, every opportunity is taken to buff up the cars to a shine the Cuckoos will never forget.

The next stage of operations remains a closely guarded secret, the nature of which is yet to emerge from the top secret nerve centre and training camp for the 15,000 somewhere in deepest Kernow.

However, Cuckoos beware! - one would be right to fear the worst!

Such is the growing concern about the Cuckoo activity and the increasing heat of the Cornish response that Archbishop Desmond Tutu (72) has convened an academic conference to consider how the matter can best be brought to a peaceful conclusion.

The conference is taking place at the Relubbus International University (one of 65 higher education establishments in Greater Relubbus) and is believed to enjoy the sponsorship of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (109), himself.

Spargo is said to favour an annual Cuckoo tax starting at 250% of the market value of the home followed by a doubling of the amount each year. Archbishop Tutu endorses this proposal saying “No one with already a roof of their own in another village should also take a roof in my village, when I and others have none.

If they must be greedy, they should, at least, restrain their greed until everyone has their own home in their own village.

What kind of people are they that order two meals when they can only eat one at a time and when others cannot even order one meal?”