By our celebrity and psychiatric correspondent, Professor Doktor Heinrich Pfeifentabak
The Professor Doktor is renowned as a therapist (NOT, he insists, as "the rapist”), who provides much needed help to the fragile egos of the rich and famous, who can afford his, frankly exorbitant, fees.
It is therefore no surprise that his clientele is drawn from such hotbeds of affluent celebrity as the Pacific Palisades, Hollywood and Bel Air in Los Angeles, as well as from the even more upmarket Boswedden Lane in Relubbus, Pengersick Lane in Germoe, and the sumptuous beachside villas of Praa Sands.
In this article, he draws on his intimate acquaintance with the world of celebrity to give his ‘top tips’ on the contenders for this year’s “Personality of the Year” Award, which is presented by the committee of the Relubbus Lesbian Underwater Knitters’ and Wrestlers’ Association.
Insiders will not be surprised at the Professor’s first choice, which is that of the ‘Marazion Bookends’, a gay Marazion couple, who have made enormous strides – and sacrifices – to further the physical practice of gay love, which they have made available to the general public in their Christmas book from Long Rock Publications entitled “What’s your bent? The Third Sex – in our own words”.
The pair, Leonard Cock (51) on the left and Dick Head (48) on the right, are both butchers, who met whilst attending a seven month “Know your meat” course at the St Buryan Higher Institute Fer Meat Slicing and Sausage-making four years ago. Says Leonard, “It was love at first sight. As soon as I’d seen ov un, I knew ‘ee was the one!”.
Dick was even more direct in his words, which, for legal reasons, cannot be reproduced here.
Professor Pfeifentabak says, “Zeir exact mapping of ze precise topography of same-sex matings defies belief. If you put zis togezzer viz ze astounding quality of zeir pork sausages, you must be on a vinner!”
There is little doubt in the correctness of Pfeifentabak’s selection for bravest politician of the year. Sylvia Burlesque-Only’s tragic hair loss is a story with which men the world over can sympathise and empathise.
This shy and retiring miniscule Italian (now still only 41 according to his press profile, but who began losing his hair 39 years ago!) was obliged to meet world leaders wearing a handkerchief on his head to hide the stridently obvious emergency repairs to his rapidly disappearing thatch. He was only able to bear this enormous humiliation by taking absurdly strong ‘happy’ drugs, topped up with regular swigs from Bolster’s Blood from Driftwoods Spars’ Brewery from St Agnes in Kernow. With tears in his eyes, Signor Burlesque-Only said, “I no wanna be a baldie! I’m a too younga for that!”
The state of hair loss proved so grave that it was too much of a challenge even for the top surgeons of Italy and then Relubbus, which was the final port of call for Signor Burlesque-Only in his desperate quest for a new thatch.
Professor Doktor Pfeifentabak comments, “Zis poor man has hat to vear a a vig to cover up his hair loss and zat is a vig, vich can be spotted at a distance of 5 kilometres. Despite zis, ze Signor maintains a level of heppy jollity, vich is truly marvellous, ven everyvun is laughing et him!”
Pfeifentabak’s third hot tip for the top is legendary, but enigmatic, unconventional and, some say, highly controversial Relubbus sculptress Nellie Launder (34). Nellie is shown here playing her favourite ‘ball-less golf’, which has the great advantages that it can be played indoors as well as outdoors and it also involves no walking.
Nellie’s works can be viewed throughout Cornwall and also abroad, where many of her ‘pieces’ have been acquired by those fortunate few with the right sort of money. However, she started from humble beginnings.
A graduate of Skudjick Secondary School many years ago, Nellie’s early career was spent in Toppers Hairdressing Salon in Godolphin Road in Long Rock, where 7 years of dedicated application led to her assuming the exalted position of ’junior’. It was her role to ask customers if they were doing anything interesting for the weekend and to enquire whether they wanted a cup of tea or coffee.
This involvement led to her sculptural experimentation with tea leaves and hair. Throwing out a heap of such stuff one day, she was accosted by a passing Tory toff millionaire, Old Etonian, David Cameron, who asked her what she would take for ‘her creation’.
Nellie, not being the cleverest or quickest, did not respond immediately, whereupon the fool Cameron kept on upping the price until he reached the mind-boggling (for Nellie!) sum of £700,000. Then she agreed the sale and, finally catching on, also agreed to deliver such ‘works’ to Cameron and his loaded pals on a daily basis. She has never looked back.
Says Pfeifentabak, “Zis young lady has unremarkable substances taken and she hes made zem completely remarkable. She is a great artist!!"
Pfeifentabak’s last tip is the Relubbus Renaissance man himself, Dougie Bosvargoe (35). Nature has displayed great partiality in loading one person with so many gifts.
Bosvargoe is known as a cross-dressing heart surgeon at the famed Prospidnick American Hospital; as a xylophonist of international reputation; as a master of lower Algonquian poetry and also as a Western National bus driver on the Penzance St Ives route.
Pfeifentabak comments, “Zat vun men should so many abilities hev, is not fair! My money must be on zis last top tip!!"
Results will be published in the Roundup next week.
PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR 2008
CHRISTMAS SNOWS COME TO RELUBBUS!!
By our Rover Christmas Correspondent.... the dog with the cool glasses..... and the festive antlers....... whose paws caress the keyboard into sweet language... who, alone amongst our journalists, is completely house-trained.. this report comes from "Fetch" Penhaligon, the dog who always gets his story!!
Yes, you can tell it's Christmas again – that white stuff is back!
The roof of the Relubbus Met Office is covered in six inches of snow, while the picture shows the magical scene this morning at Relubbus Zoo, where Head Keeper Willy Rosewarne (39), recently cleared of all charges of ‘interfering with the animals’, is out with his favourite elephants.
Snowfalls bedeck the whole of Relubbus and the surrounding district. The ski runs at Mount Relubbus have, of course, been carpeted in thick, freshly topped-up snow ever since the end of September, enticing tens of thousands of winter sports enthusiasts to fabled Relubbus, where you can ski in the morning and then travel five miles on a Western National bus, arriving three hours later in the tropical magic of Prah Sands, which is currently basking in 30 degrees Centigrade of luscious sunshine.
In Boswedden Lane in the centre of Relubbus, carol singing took place in front of the statue dedicated to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo’s Enty Mabel – the famed poet.
Carol singing was led by Ms Doris Hitler – seen here giving her trademark salute – and the proceedings concluded with a noted poem by Mabel Spargo specially set to music by Professor Norris Boris Morris of the Relubbus Conservatoire.
The poem is, of course, the renowned favourite “Ee”
I aren’t gunna askee “Knawun do ee?”
Tha’s too easy and idden no fun.
I wain’t ask ‘ee “Seenunroundere avee?”
Cos wi they glasses you kint see nawun.
I aren’t gonna tell ‘ee oo I’m talking abowt
Cos tha’s easy at this time o year.
I bleeve I jes seen Faither Christmas
An ee’s coming ovver your way, my dear!
Another sure sign that the Christmas season is upon us came with the traditional annual Lesbian and Gay Plumbers’ Parade, which started off at Prospidnick Terrace, making its way through the notorious Pink Pydar gay quarter (what Castro is to San Francisco, Pink Pydar is to Relubbus) before emerging on to Cattle Market square, where they linked up – in a symbol of Christmas reconciliation – with both the Triangle and Tambourine Band of the Tregeseal Fundamentalist Methodist Church and the massed Harleys of the Long Rock Bearded Bikers Club.
Participation this year by the Pink Truncheons, a special unit of the Devon and Cornwall Police (DCP), was blocked by Commissioner Percy Penrose of the Relubbus Kreslu Kernewek because of their (DCP's) behaviour unbecoming gay police officers.
Shelley’s of St Just , the world famous hairdressing establishment, has opened an academy for ‘juniors’ in Relubbus, which has just taken on its first one hundred recruits.
We show, as our last picture, some of the girls at play building a snowman.
We leave you with this seasonal snap and wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas!!!!
SPARGO TO ADDRESS G-20
By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.
The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.
However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.
Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.
It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.
Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!
AdvertisementTHE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS
TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.
SEX GODDESS SWITCHES ON RELUBBUS LIGHTS
Agnes Treglown (98), President of the Penzance branch of the Silver Thread, based at Penlowarth, and voted Sex Goddess of the Century in 1931 by the members of the Tregavarah cycling, ukelele and Gilbert and Sullivan Society, was selected this year to switch on the magnificent Relubbus Christmas Lights, which illuminate the whole 5 mile length of fashionable Boswedden Lane.
Amongst the VIP guests who flocked to Relubbus for the occasion were His Royal Highness Prince Hans-Adam II of Lichtenstein, together with his charming wife, Queen Tracey, formerly of 14 Colinsey Road in Penzance.
President-elect Barack Obama (pictured here on the left in heavy disguise for security purposes!) and family were official state guests of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (87); the Aga Khan attended with his four wives, all called Doris; Italian wigwearer and politician Silvia Burlesque-only was there with his new love-interest, Mrs Osama (just call me ‘Goky’) Bin Laden; UK House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin was also an enthusiastic participant in the festivities, losing no opportunity to tell people how he had ‘sorted’ Tory MP troublemakers.
Of course, the credit crunch around the world has had no impact on the Relubbus economy whatsoever. People seem to be spending wildly as never before.
The flagship RC Oates Superstore, shown here on the left together with some of the other 'lights of Relubbus', has apparently been 'raking it in'.
At the store (now officially named by the Guinness Book of Records as the largest store there has ever been and ever will be in the world) Mr Oates has splashed out (some talk in terms of amounts exceeding £15!!!) on extra special lighting to pull in the crowds.
In the lavish entertainment programme which followed the big ‘switch-on’, VIPs, celebrities and as many of the vast crowd that could, flooded into the cavernous majesty of the Grand Golden West Theatre, where they were treated to a spectacular rendition of old favourites from the world-famous Rosudgeon Showtime band, shown here on the left.
To the delight of Agnes Treglown and all her friends from the Silver Thread, the band played many old favourites including Itler, ‘ee only ‘ad one ball, which was, by request, played sixteen times.
Next on the bill came the Andrews Sisters (Barb, Brenda and Betty) from up ‘Eamoor. The glamorous girls - all of whom used to work in Simpsons of Penzance before fame came knocking on their door - had their hair done especially at world-renowned coiffurier Shelley's of Fore Street, St Just before appearing in the show.
To the delight of the huge crowd, they sang some of their greatest hits including I never knew Santa did that with a reindeer!, I won’t fart under the mistletoe!, and Bill Clinton gave me his cigar!
T
he ‘grand finale’ was provided by the award-winning St Just Waste Operatives Female-Impersonation and Dance Troupe. From left to right are shown Billy Kelynack (34), Archilaus Trembath (41), Dick (“an’ Dora”) Angove (33), Windy Treglown (54 and the star of the troupe, who claims to have stopped wearing trousers 30 years ago); Gwen Upsnoostaree (35), and, lastly, twin brothers Bob and Bert Botheras (36).
By day, they all man the dust carts of West Penwith, but come evening they transform themselves into the picture of female pulchritude you see in the attached snap. Accompanied only by Dougie Blewett on solo triangle and to rapturous applause from the audience, they performed a breathtaking tap routine, which entranced young and old alike.
As the capacity audience of 30,000 departed from the building at the end of the show, they all averred that the splendid show marked the end of a splendid day. But then, they had the treat of walking down a Boswedden Lane with Christmas illuminations which put all other shows to shame.
Meanwhile, Agnes and her friends were whisked away by the waiting Western National Bus (driven by Sidney Rosewarne (52) of St Erth) back to the warm comforting glow of the Lariggan Home for the Terminally Confused.
One occupant of that bus, Agnes herself, was thinking back to the days when the Chairman of that Tregavarah Club - Mr Madron Bolitho - pronounced her Sex Goddess of the Century.
Our correspondent, hitching a ride back to his pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance, was asked by Agnes whether he would publish a picture of Agnes "back in them days". He replied "'Course I'll do un for ee, my luvver", and here it is -- the young Agnes in earlier days!
BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH WITH OUR AMAZING GIFT RANGE
AT SECONDS AWAY OF ADELAIDE STREET PENZANCE
Customer car is parked outside our store (shown left) and things inside are busy, busy!!
Machine-knitted cardigan – white ribbed with ruffled edges – size 22 – only 11 years old – three arms. Would make lovely Christmas present for beloved with three arms! £45
Home-made Sou’Wester crafted 14 years ago by donor’s Granpa from simulated lino – needs new cords, but still keeps rain off. Only £1.29
Butane-powered toothbrush with stainless steel brushes – failed prototype, so only £3.75
For those special occasions! Set of Ceramic teeth – startling white for that Hollywood look. (Must be taken out before eating!!) Get that film star look for only £215
Light pea-green sock – size 11 – once one of a pair, so big reduction – only £1.09
Half of a trombone – original blue leather case intact – bargain at just £75
Shopping Trolley - runs well – Morrison’s sign removed. Could also, with enough cushions, be used as pram. £49
Folding Yellow and Purple camping table suitable for breakfast for one. Two legs missing, so only 31 pence!
Nest of three tables – bevelled glass tops with mahogany-effect surrounds – only slightly fire-damaged – £97
Wooden lavatory seat – splits can probably be planed out, making as new - £47.50
Gas-powered Grundig black and white television set, sometimes capable of receiving BBC1 and Channel 4. Full set of controls includes dials for volume and vertical and horizontal hold, allowing easy adjustability. Comes with previous owner’s home-designed extending arm for easy adjustment from your armchair!! £754
Kenwood Chef 1b foodmixer – hand-operated - delicate mechanism – suit woman or gay man, only £9
Ladies (size 18) full length coat in black rubber with bright orange ‘fur’ collar - £246
Madame Carla Sarkozy shown here on the left coming out of the store having made a purchase of Edna Angove's Lingerie.
Fallen tree – lots of good wood in it – not in shop - must be collected from site - at night – silently - £87
Genuine antique Parisian pissoir – originally copper green – now needs a good lick of paint, but in perfect working order - £595
Whole lorry load of Albanian Christmas sweets – with instructions – in 10 kilo tins – handling gloves supplied – only £1.50 a tin – Go on, spoil the kiddies!!
Only Licensed Outlet for Edna Angove’s made-to-measure hand-knitted lingerie for her and for him. Come in store to view options available and to make your appointment with the legendary wizard-knitter of Colinsey Road. Sample prices - Lady’s Brazier and Knickers £175; Gentleman’s pouch £165
Collection of 20 Sudoku books – vastly reduced as already filled in - £1.75 the lot!
Record Player plus 7 LP records of the unforgettable Hymie Slibowitz playing Calypso on the Jew’s Harp £235
Kiddies’ trike in Bob the Builder motif – works perfectly, but no chain £19
Pinky n’ Perky Pogo stick (yes, almost a collector’s item!!). Handle broken off, so only £150
Ukrainian ‘I speak your weight’ machine - in perfect working order - £39
Barbie Princess Dress – suitable for 5-6 year olds – expertly mended and now, after a wash, almost good as new so £12
Stainless steel sink with cold tap (needs new washer) – a mere snip at £5 in view of strange stains and odd smell that won’t go away.
This is just a sample of what we have for you in store at SECONDS AWAY!!
For the first five customers tomorrow, there will be a FREE one ounce bag of sawdust!!
THUNDERCLAPS AT ST CLAP'S
By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Chlamydia Diaphragm-Fart
Crows an Wra has been rocked by controversy following various scandals emerging from the fundraiser held in the Sunday School rooms of the Maronite Christian Church of St Fiacre -- the latter being, quite by coincidence, the patron saint of sexually-transmitted disease. Although, outside of Crows an Wra, this may be a little-known fact of the sort which might only help you to become successful on Who wants to be a Millionaire?, all the denizens of Crows an Wra know it and thus the Church is known locally as the Church of St Clap's.
“St Clap’s” holds a successful fundraiser every year at this time and it is always a magnetic crowd-puller, attracting a mind-boggling 48 visitors last year, including the Pope, Benedict XVI (shown on the left,wearing a dashing new hat, purchased at Simpson’s in Penzance), temptress Madame Sarkozy, comedian Jimmy Carr, and (then) presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.
Unbelievably, this year, St Clap’s managed to pull in even more visitors, achieving a total of 54. Amongst these, Barack Obama was back again – a hopeful no longer, but a President-elect who stated his clear intention to secure closer bonds with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council led by the visionary 84-year-old Billy Spargo.
As Obama said, “Spargo (shown here on the left in a picture of typical world-leader-inspiring serenity) has so much to teach the world – about ethics, about statecraft and about personal hygiene”. At the mention of this last point, Madame Sarkozy (Cecilia, the Frog one, not the new Eytie one) , another returning visitor and one whose name has been romantically linked with that of Councillor Spargo, burst into enthusiastic applause, followed by floods of sobbing tears.
Apparently Sarah Palin too had been intending to come to St Clap’s at Crows an Wra because it was the only place outside of Alaska, other than Washington, that she had heard of. However, she was held up by emergency repairs on her hairdo.
Celebrity, then, is something we have come to readily associate with Crows an Wra. What is, for us all, entirely new is the huge controversy that has arisen from the nature of some of the fund-raising acts.
The Church verger and assistant choirmaster, 45-year-old bachelor Gwenver Lamprey Smegma-Tregenza, has upset very many people by posing as a "Scotchman", “Wee Doogie MacDuff”.
Wearing just a pink Guernsey sweater, matching pink tartan and pink ballet shoes, “Wee Doogie MacDuff” sat closeted in a telephone box, which was draped in lavish purple satin to discourage prying eyes out for a freebie.
He charged visitors £5 to lift his tartan “to see what a Scotchman has under his kilt!” It was considered that such a show was “lowering the tone” of the event. Both ladies who queued outside Doogie’s stall, the Misses Penberthy (89 and 92), who suffer from poor sight and poor hearing, each went in several times and were heard to remark that they simply could not guess what the vegetable was.
Doogie’s offer of half-price for children was deemed to be beyond the pale and the Rev Abdul Aziz Polglaze closed down the stall when he saw the sign.
Amongst other famous guests, an inquisitive Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel, dressed as the Wagnerian Brunhilde and sporting a briar pipe, was seen to be showing especial interest in Agnes Botterill’s home-made Treacle Skin Care range for pipe-smoking females.
José Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, who lends a new respectability to the practice of cross-dressing, was seen to be captivated by Denzil Trevains’ stall “Is it pigshit or is it chocolate?” After 15 tasting sessions at £5 a go, José was clearly deeply shocked to be told that the substance was really not chocolate.
He became extremely upset and was escorted from the building, shouting that it contravened all EU laws to offer pigshit to innocents to eat. Trevains was unmoved: “No one ad’un apart from ‘ee. Everyone d knaw ‘s all a bit laugh. I could’n’ believe it when this ‘ere man cum up and wanted to pay for to eat of un. Mind you – least it was fresh this mornin’!”
At this point the Reverend Polglaze thanked everyone for coming – especially the celebrity foreign guests – and announced that the event had raised a mind-boggling £537.57.
CHAVVY CADS BEATEN BY BUNTS!
Court Report
By our Legal Correspondent Horton “Gone or ‘ere?” Polkinghorne
Morvah Pendennis (17) and Dennis Penmorvran (18) both of Colinsey Road, Treneere, Penzance are pictured here in jovial mood prior to their court appearance.
They appeared today before Chief Justice Mr Caxter Bunt at Relubbus Central Court on charges of breaking and entry, attempted burglary and of ‘interfering’ with Doris, the pet Llama kept by Mr Cadfael Bunt (58), a farmer with small holdings at Lower Bostraze.
The prosecution, led by Miss Fanny Bunt, maintains that, under cover of darkness, the pair gained entry into Mr Bunt’s house and made their way upstairs. The police report recorded that the boys, one of whom, Dennis, likes to call himself Goky and who dresses as a girl, admitted that “we woz lookin’ fer jewels.”
It is at this point that the stories of Mr Bunt and the boys sharply diverge.
The boys’ story continues thus. Hearing strange noises emanating from a room displaying the name ‘Doris’, the boys became curious and slowly opened the door on to a dim candle-lit scene.
The candle, described by Morvah as “one o’ they rude-shaped ones”, gave off a sickly overpowering smell, but did little to illuminate the room. Pink seemed to be the predominant colour of all fixtures and fittings.
Mr Bunt had his back turned to the boys and seemed to be wearing a blue nightshirt pulled up around his waist. Groaning occasionally, his knees bent regularly in a rhythmic dipping motion.
Doris, who was dolled up to the nines in pink apparel, stood directly in front of Mr Bunt and similarly had her back to the boys as well as to Mr Bunt. The picture on the left is taken from Mr Bunt's website, "Loving Llamas".
Doris made a strange snuffing sound from time to time. A Lonny Donegan hit, “Diggin’ my potatoes” from 1956 on the Decca label, was playing on the radiogram. The boys had intruded upon a very self-absorbed scene.
Opening the door a little wider caused it to squeak loudly. Mr Bunt pulled back from whatever activity he was engaged in and turned round, whereupon the boys realised that he had blacked up as though in preparation for an appearance on the Black and White Minstrel Show.
For overseas readers who may not know it, The Black and White Minstrel Show is a hugely popular TV show, which can be viewed on Relubbus Television at 6.55 pm on Saturdays - next Saturday's special star guest is Barack Obama!!).
Bunt ran to an interconnecting door to another room, ripped it open, went inside and slammed the door behind him. Doris, clearly upset by the commotion, began to make a mess on the floor.
The boys heard demented cries from the other room: “My bleddy brother’s a judge - you say anything about this and you buggers’ll go to jail!!”
Quickly perceiving that an evening of gentle light crime might entail more than a few difficulties for them, the pair bolted down the stairs to make good their escape, closely followed by Bunt, who by now was waving a loaded shotgun in the air.
Miss Fanny Bunt, for the prosecution, gives a completely different account and maintains that her cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, was fast asleep in his bed when the pair arrived.
Doris, who is just one of his Llamas, had been feeling under the weather. He was concerned for her and decided to bring her into the house, so that he could keep a better eye on her.
Mr Bunt’s wife, Doris, had died some three years before but he had kept her things and thought that he would make the Llama – coincidentally also called Doris – extra comfortable by dressing her up in some of Doris’s things. This he had done and had repaired to bed.
He was awoken some while later by shouting and bleating and peered into Doris’ room to find a scene of chaos. He maintains that one of the boys was holding Doris steady, whilst the other was “shagging’ ‘er senseless”. He grabbed his shotgun and drove them off.
The police, led by Chief Inspector Colin Bunt (known to his colleagues as Bolin) said that they had found undeniable DNA evidence that one of the boys had been engaged as his cousin, Mr Cadfael Bunt, had maintained. This DNA evidence had afterwards sadly gone missing, but Mr Justice Caxter Bunt said that he was more than happy to rely on the good word of the Relubbus Police.
Mr Cadfael Bunt’s computer was afterwards found to be full of pornographic photos involving llamas and Mr Caxter Bunt fully accepted Mr Colin Bunt’s assertion that these ‘obnoxious photos’ had been placed there by the two boys to put the police off the scent.
Listening to all the evidence, Mr Justice Caxter Bunt stated that he had been horrified by the details of this case and that he had no hesitation in ‘sending down’ the two boys for a minimum of 35 years each. His sole regret was that the option of capital punishment or, at the very least, transportation to the colonies for life was no longer open to him.
Very pleased with the outcome, Mr Cadfael Bunt extended an invitation to Mr Justice Bunt, Miss Fanny Bunt and Mr Colin Bunt to join him and Doris for a slap-up family dinner that evening to celebrate.
The picture on the left shows some of the Bunts featured in this story. On the extreme left is Lavinia Nudd, a family friend. At the back are Cadfael and Caxter and in the front are Colin and Fanny.
As they were taken away to face a long sentence in the dreaded Prospidnick jail, the two boys yelled out “ You lot are nothing but a bunch o’….”, but their words faded away.
LOOKING FOR LOVE IN RELUBBUS?
We all lead very busy lives these days and some people simply do not get the time to explore society and find ‘the one’ for them. That is where the Relubbus Roundup can make a real difference to your life. In our pages you can advertise to find that perfect soulmate or you can simply browse the entries and maybe – all of a sudden - you will find the right him/her/it looking back at you.
Lucinda Lavinia Liddicoat (27) -- or ‘Triple L’ to her friends -- is a cheery girl, who ‘likes to live it large’. By day she is a conscientious wig-maker, with a special and highly sought-after skill in producing perukes and toupees for bald hamsters. However, as soon as she catapults out of the wig factory in Hayle at 5 pm prompt each evening, she is out for fun, fun, fun. Our photo shows this delightful damsel lining up a few drinks after work for her and her best friend, Tamsin Trevelyan, in the flat they share in Tolroy.
Triple L would like to meet a young man with his own Reliant Robin car (her dream motor). Reluctant to smile because she has no teeth, she would ideally like to meet a toothless young man of her own age. “We’d be equal then, an’ jes’ think of the slobbery snoggin’ we’d ’ave!” If you are a young RR owner with no teeth and would like to give Triple L a go, then ‘phone her on Hayle 56 32 56.
Glorious leggy blonde bombshell Patricia Trembath (25) from up Pendeen, seen here trying to chat up an off duty policeman is a lonely girl! Patricia, or ‘Trishy’, as she likes to be called, is 11 foot 6 ins tall and this has made it difficult for her to make men friends.
Trishy is an enthusiastic, but sadly unaccomplished, trombone player, adores Scrabble and keeps earwigs as pets. Tone deafness does not prevent her from trying to sing and she can often be heard loudly trilling her tuneless drone whilst out and about on the roads of West Penwith, where she has a job as a telegraph pole polisher.
Trishy’s dream is to meet a young man of her own height, preferably from Pendeen. However, suitors from Botallack or even Zennor might also be considered. If this is you then ‘phone Trishy on Pendeen 56 82 13.
Binkie Behenna (22) is an enterprising young lady from New Mill. Although so young, she already runs her own mobile budgerigar insemination, grooming, and burial business, which goes by the name of “Pretty Boy”.
Being a very busy local businesswoman, she does not have the time to explore the ‘local scene’ to find a man. She says, “Looks aren’t important, I’m more interested in what’s inside the man’s trousers than how they look!”
Unlike other one-legged people, Binkie likes to wear a prosthesis rather than hop, but she challenges you to guess from this photo which leg is the falsie! If Binkie sounds like she is the spunky sort of girl you are looking for and you like the cut of her jib, then ‘phone New Mill 65 12 87 (after 6.00 pm).
Huw Dewi ap Rhys (31) is the cultural attaché at the Welsh Embassy in Relubbus. A former male lap dancer from the Swansea docks, he got into working for the Welsh state after doing some private dancing for the Welsh Foreign Secretary, Lydia Thomas-Jones (67). Relubbus is his second posting, having already served in the Welsh Embassy in Bolivia, which he had to leave in something of a hurry, following the circulation of unsubstantiated lascivious stories connecting him to Lucia de Lozada, the 97 year old mother of the leader, Felipe de Lozada, of the UNRSB (the Radical National Socialist Union of Bolivia).
Huw is newly arrived in Relubbus and would like to meet Cornish women of any age. However, he says that he would particularly welcome hearing from young women born in the years from 1908 to 1913. ‘Phone Huw on Relubbus 65 43 91.
Conan Penglaze (74) is a former window fitter from Madron. Conan is an enthusiastic pipe-smoker and gets through 2 oz of St Bruno flake a day. Conan has designed a ‘two-tube’ pipe so that his ‘beloved’, when he meets her, can share the same pipe as him . He has even built in a facility so that the smokers can switch tubes and share dottle, the essence of sharing love for Conan.
Not a man given to many social graces, Conan seeks a woman who can cook, do his washing, attend to his needs and, as he is getting on a bit, who is also handy around the garden. He doesn’t like women who ‘jabber on’. Conan listens to Radio Cornwall all day, and his perfect day consists of sitting in his favourite chair in his long johns enjoying his pipe. If this sounds like the sort of homely man you would like in your home, then ‘phone Madron 64 59 23, being prepared to shout.
Abner Bollock, (43) is a divorced former triangle tuner (now jobseeker) from Prospidnick. Abner used to be married to June, before she left him only six days after they married in 1989, having spent his inheritance in Las Vegas during their honeymoon. Since then he has been trying to pluck up courage to ‘try again’.
Abner lives with his Aunt Dolly in an unconverted barn. Interested females should be aware that Aunt Dolly is a ventriloquist’s dummy and that Abner has got into the habit of long conversations with “Enty” ever since he lost his last job in 1995. Abner says, “The bottom fell out of triangle tuning and now we ‘ave the credit crunch! I aren’t givin’ up yet though – I still got ‘ope!”
Ladies who are drawn to this fascinating beacon of belief in a better world are advised that he has no ‘phone and that they should simply knock the door of the Old Barn, Shite Lane, Prospidnick.
POETRY OF MOTION
Ups and Downs in West Penwith
‘Mind ‘ow you go’, they used to say and never more true than ‘ere --
If you don’t say’un right, my boy, you’ll be a stranger ‘ere.
The startin’ point fer journies is P’nzance, as we d’ all know:
It don’t matter where you’re ‘eaded, it d’ matter ‘ow you go!
I’s right t’ go DOWN Newlyn and I’s right to g’w UP St Just;
From ‘ere you can g’w UP London - and BACK DOWN again, when you’re bust.
You can ‘gw OVVER Marazion and from there gw’UP Pendeen,
But then you d’come INTO P’nzance on the number 17.
Goin UP fair, goin UP Treneere, and then goin DOWN the Prom.,
To ‘ave bit geek if Loveday is still goin out with Tom.
‘Ee d’ farm OUT Ludgvan way and d’ come IN town each week.
I seen ‘un out with Loveday, when I went t’ ‘ave my bit geek.
I d’ dearly love goin round about, I’s proper job, my bird;
But if I d’ want describ’ un, I must use the proper word.
Up, down, in and ovver, there’s so many ways to go --
But if you are a Cornishman, I’m sure, like me, you’ll know.
A composition by Ezekiel Lestrange (78) of Ponsendance and Lower Leskinnick Bicycle Club
