POLZEATH DOCTOR TWINS IN LOVE TRIANGLE SCANDAL SHOCK HORROR

Stories have reached the Roundup's newsdesk about shameful goings-on in Polzeath involving the hitherto highly respected, if a little unorthodox, doctor twins, Ludo (42) and Quentin (42) Poldhu-Nancarrow, pictured below.

Extremely ugly from birth, they have long ago resorted to wearing heavy make-up and novel clothing in a usually fruitless attempt to distract those they meet from absorption with their disturbing facial asymmetry. The likelihood of such stunned reactions is increased by the fact that the twins are joined at the ankle and at the elbow.

United by ugliness and physically conjoined, they have grown used to doing many things together, including speaking, for they communicate effectively as one. Those they meet, including their patients, are always struck by the way that each twin takes it in turn to add a word to a sentence. They are accustomed to speaking in this manner and do so with such rapidity that those they encounter are not nearly so discomforted as they might otherwise be.

Full details of the story have yet to emerge. However, a patient, Mrs Dolores Pemberthy (36), an aspiring actress, called upon the Doctors Poldhu-Nancarrow for urgent assistance in respect of the re-attachment of a false nail. Knocking on their door, she got no reply and walked in to find the doctors and their receptionist, Miss Kitty Trewelah (23), all in a state of some considerable undress and thrashing around on the carpet.

Miss Trewelah, snapped after the incident by one of the Roundup's dogged photographers, Zeke Retallack, was unrepentant about being caught in flagrante with the plug-ugly medical duo, although she would have preferred to have avoided the publicity:

"I duh feel like that girl 'oo 'ad the 'unchback of Notre Dame. Poor bugger, no-one wanted to 'ave 'ee. Well, i's jes the same wi' they two. They 'ebben got no chance an' I felt sorry for 'n. 'Course, now this is out, I'll get 'ell from my mother, not to mention from my finacee." Miss Trewelah is engaged to the resident minister at Crowlas Methodist Church.



Pictured on the left is Mrs Dolores Pemberthy in her seventh attempt at a re-enactment of her leaving the doctors' surgery in a distraught state. She later issued the following written statement to reporters:

"I have never sought stardom or celebrity, but am well able to handle it now that it has hopefully come my way. I do intend to keep my day job on the till at the Kwop until the film, theatrical, and social diary commitments that will flow from this story render that impossible.

"Film and theatrical producers and agents who would like to engage me are asked to address their initial enquiries to Oscar, who runs the newspaper kiosk at Penzance railway station, since he will look after my bookings. Thank you all so much. As you may guess, there are many people I have to thank and there is not enough space for me to acknowledge their contributions here. I will however thank my mother ("Thanks, Mum!") as well as Mrs 'Ollis, my primary school teacher. Thank you all so very much!"