SCOOP: KOREAN DICTATOR SEEKS ASYLUM IN RELUBBUS

A report written in the third person by "Landshark" (Archilaus Tresidder)

Archilaus is pictured on the left in triumphant mood on the morning after his big scoop.

The night was very dark. He could hear the sea gently lapping at the pebbles of the beach, but he could see nothing. He was acting on information received. The contacts of the foreign newsdesk of the Relubbus Roundup had never yet failed. They had always been impeccable. However, this particular tip did seem unlikely. The words ran through his mind again for the umpteenth time, "He will alight from a rowing boat on Newlyn beach at 11.30 pm on the 24th December".

Archilaus Tresidder was a junior cub under-reporter, a young man of only 44 who had yet to truly prove himself. Out of deference to his elders and betters at the Roundup, he insisted on continuing to wear short trousers until he had delivered his own very first big story single-handed, and after tonight, with luck and a following wind (he never had any difficulty managing that bit himself), he should be in a position to file that first big story.

Given the date and the time of day, there was no one about. Behind him, a short distance away, the Penzance-Newlyn road was still lit by streetlamps, which glowed dimly, a weak source of warmth on a cold night like tonight and too far away to cast any illumination on the blackened beach below him.

Luckily for him, his Dusty Springfield watch was of the sort that glowed in the dark. It told him that it was still only 25 minutes past 11. Tension mounted and found release in the old family curse, as tortured gases were almost soundlessly expelled from his rear. Tonight, for once, they threatened no one, instantly dispersed as they were by the vigorous sea breeze.

Before he knew it, a tinny rendition of The son of a Preacher man rang out from his watch, telling him that it was 11.30 pm precisely. He switched off the sound of his beloved Dusty and began to listen acutely. He strained his entire being into the all-absorbing act of listening -- it brought its own reward.

First, he could hear oars working the water, next he could hear the crunch of wood on pebbles as the boat was run to beach and then he could hear the splashing in the shallows, as a mystery person disembarked.

Finding it difficult to believe that such a person would arrive here at this time in this way, Archilaus once more played the words of the tip-off through his mind "Kim Jong Il will come to seek asylum in Relubbus, arriving by rowing boat on the Western Green beach near Newlyn at 11.30pm on 24th December".

As the cold wet water soaked the shoes and lower legs of the new arrival, loud curses were heard in a language that was anything but Cornish. The words "Keh Shipp Sekya!" Were delivered in a high-pitched oriental voice...

At this critical moment, I switched on my Dusty Springfield pocket searchlight to reveal a stocky oriental clad in Mao suit disembarking from a sampan crewed by emaciated men wearing coolie hats.

Caught in the light, the stocky man froze and, in desperation, called out "Don't shoot!! Councillor Spargo great man -- Relubbus centre of world -- don't shoot! I come live here -- learn make pasties!! Don't shoot." It soon transpired that this was the extent of his non-Korean vocabulary.

The tip-off was correct. I was about to get the scoop of my life. Not a moment too soon. It was very cold and I felt that I really deserved long trousers now and couldn't wait until Simpsons of Penzance was next open so that I could acquire this much coveted badge of reporting maturity.

TO BE CONTINUED...