'BLUEWATER'-STYLE DEVELOPMENT FOR NEWLYN

By Newlyn correspondent Horton Tregarthen

Following recent lengthy discussions on the subject within the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), it has now come to light that the National Trust no longer wishes to pursue the idea of a Bluewater-style development on St. Michael's Mount. Apparently, it is felt that such a development would not, after all, be in keeping with the conservation aims of the Trust.

Some might, therefore, find it surprising that the Trust has decided to grant Reynolds Homes on Wheels permission to site some 20,000 caravans on the Mount. The Director General of the National Trust, ex pin-up model and page three girl, voluptuous Fiona Reynolds, was not available for comment when the Roundup attempted to discuss the subject in a reversed charges call.

However, when one door closes, another often opens and that has indeed been the case with the "Bluewater" development. In a surprise move, the Wherrytown Urban Council, under the inspired leadership of His Excellency the very Reverend Lord Beachfield, has offered the Bluewater management a site at Newlyn Green. Given the comparative shortage of parking around what is now known as the boating pool, some might doubt the chances of success for an 80 megastore development in the area. However, Lord Beachfield himself, when questioned on the subject, dismissed such observations with an angry wave of the hand: "There's plenty of parking for 30,000 cars up Chywoone Hill -- open your eyes, man!"

Lord Beachfield's secretary, Mr Donnington Rowe, who himself lives up Chywoone hill, amplified his Lordship's comments by explaining that the boating pool will be drained to enable the erection of a substantial 18-storey car park there. Whilst some locals have spoken out against the possibility of any such substantial erection in the area, it would seem that the majority are unmoved by the news, whilst a few, notably Mrs Agnes Daniel (94), positively welcome the idea.

The plans are at an advanced stage. The picture on the left shows the boating pool and nearby houses -- all of which will disappear before September of this year as foundations are laid for the car park.

The picture on the right shows the design of the new shoppers' bridge that will span the current main road, which will be flooded to the sea. In fact the sea between here and Newlyn harbour will be contained behind a new 200-metre-high sea wall, creating a lake. The megastores will be sited in the 'lake' and shoppers will journey from one destination to the next via gondola, therby creating a neat little sideline for Newlyn fishermen.

The considerable cost of this development -- believed to amount to something the wrong side of £500 million -- will be borne by Wherrytown rate payers, until retailers can be persuaded to come in to rent the premises.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo has indicated that her Uncle Billy (leader of the GRUC) is not a happy man at present. Having favoured the Bluewater-style development of St Michael's Mount, he now feels somewhat cheated by "that bleddy NT", whose plans for the caravanisation of the Mount seem to be merely copying and potentially spoiling GRUC's plans for the caravanisation of Mount Relubbus. He is further angered by "they buggers at Wherrytown and that stiuck-up arse 'ole Beachfield", who have lured the retail development around to their side of Mounts Bay.

An interesting situation will present itself tomorrow evening when guests of honour at the Sunday service of the Alexandra Road Methodist Chapel (just opposite Penzance's first lesbian B&B) will be none other than Lord Beachfield and Billy Spargo. Watch this space!
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