'CHICKEN ALIEN' CONFESSES TO ROUNDUP

Picture by Bathtime Botheras

In newspaper publishing parlance, this story represents a "scoop". On the left is a picture of Xaxtec -- the alien with a distinct chicken appearance -- that landed last week in a field not far from the Merry Maidens.

It goes without saying that it was the Roundup's award-winning reporting duo of Jimmy Oppy (the man with the pencil) and Bathtime Botheras (the man with the camera) who, with the customary screech of bicycle brakes, were first on the scene, when Xaxtec's landing craft (the coop) touched down.

Jimmy and Bathtime's sense of ridicule at talking with a chicken was fully matched by Xaxtec's horror at having to converse with "Zezigorrups", a form of fast food on his home planet. Scarcely able to conceal his revulsion at having to engage in conversation with a form of food for the masses back home, Xaxtec explained that, on his home planet, Klucktup, beings called Zezzigorrups -- which look EXACTLY like us -- are bred in disgusting battery farms and fed to the masses.

Having made that admission, he clucked a bit and went on to say that it was only the flesh on the left hand's little finger that was regarded as the edible part of the Zezigorrup -- the rest was incinerated as a cheap form of fuel.

Jimmy and Bathtime had now reached the point where they could have happily given "that chicken a damned good kicking", but then Xaxtec went on to ask just how surprised we would be if a Big Mac turned round to talk to us. That was exactly how he felt at being addressed by Zezigorrups.

Both being members of the Zennor Philosophical Society, Jimmy and Bathtime were -- only just -- able to get their heads round the idea of extending this conversation with the chicken.

They told Xaxtec that here -- on Earth -- beings that looked exactly like him were called "chickens" and that these "chickens" were also bred in battery farms and eaten -- in their entirety, apart from their heads, claws, bones, and feathers -- all of which were rendered down to create "chicken flavour".

This news resulted in enraged and agitated clucking on the part of Xaxtec, who couldn't get over the fact that some people here actually eat the "parson's nose"! "What?!" he cried, "They would eat my bum?! These 'people' are animals!"

Xaxtec asked Jimmy and Bathtime to convey his best wishes (and humble apologies) to humankind, then he turned back to the coop and disappeared back into space. He left a "spell' on our reporting duo, who were cast into a mysterious stupor, from which they recovered only the next morning, finding themselves miraculously transposed into a lying position in front of the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn.