'CAMILLA IS A KLEPTO' CLAIM!

Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is in fact "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", was involved in an embarrassing incident on Tuesday when she opened the new Trevaskis superstore at Long Rock.

This was the first time that Lily has undertaken an engagement in her native Cornwall: up to now, she has always declined Cornish engagements, for fear that she might be recognised by a passing Perranuthnoe resident with a long memory. As events were to prove, it was a precaution that Lily may regret having abandoned.

As the "Duchess" arrived at the store, she was greeted by a vast crowd of five (and one dog) that lined the streets. Royalists in the crowd cheered and clapped and waved Union flags. A Cornish Nationalist shouted "Kernow Kensa! Bugger off!" The dog was silent.

The Duchess is shown above, being escorted around the aisles of the new store by the store owner, multi-billionaire Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall.

Ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack has captured the exact moment when "Camilla", having lifted a bar of chocolate from one of the counter displays, surreptitiously began to eat it, with Mr Trevaskis, following behind, none the wiser.

Worse was to follow. As Camilla left the store, an alarm was suddenly triggered, which seemed to emanate from the Duchess. It was very loud and very persistent. The crowd that lined the pavements fell silent in shock. The noise droned on.

Suddenly, two large security women appeared. Perhaps unaware of the identity of the "Duchess", or perhaps called, notwithstanding her celebrity, by Mr Trevaskis (whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall), they seized the Duchess and frisked her. A succession of objects fell to the ground -- a box of biscuits, more chocolate, a half-bottle of gin. The crowd looked on in horror.

Then a passing Perranuthnoe resident (with a long memory) called out "'Ow are 'ee, Lily me 'ansum? I'd a knawed 'ee anywhere! Still lika bitta gin, I see!" Camilla's embarrassment was complete!