NEW ZOO PROPOSED UP TRENGWAINTON

By our local Trengwainton correspondent, Horton Tregarthen
Following the successful planning application to site 20,000 caravans on St. Michael's Mount, the Cornish National Trust Committee 'ave now instructed its local property managers to come up with modernisation plans to increase the number of visitors at Trengwainton Gardens. At present there are more 'volunteer' stewards than there are visitors.

The National Trust committee for Heamoor 'ave today left on a week long business trip to meet Billy Spargo, the top Relubbus consultant on zoo design and animal care.

These 365 locally elected residents in the Trengwainton Gardens area (under the leadership of vocal local yokel, Tommy Botheras) feel that unless they duh bring in some new ideas then the attraction of viewing plain-looking plants will cease and people aren't goin' to come in. ("I aren't, for starters!", said Mr Botheras.)

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo has instructed that the 365 Heamoor residents be accommodated in the luxurious (one bathroom on each floor and as much toilet paper as you can use!) 1000 room Relubbus Hilton hotel.

The Committee's initial thoughts are that visits should be "a bit spiced up" by letting loose some 50 lions and 5,000 poisonous snakes in the grounds so that the visitors are guaranteed excitement.

Mr Botheras commented hopefully "Billy Spargo duh reckon that he duh knaw someone down to Goldsithney who duh 'ave 20 Bengal tigers in 'is garden, and ee's going down to chat 'im up to see if they can be put up Trengwainton".

Local Land Agent for the Trust at Trengwainton, Mr Jimmy Von Ribbentrop (whose Uncle Joachim -- shown on the left -- was a regular visitor to the Gardens, before he got strung up at Nuremberg), duh reckon that the membership will grow once the word gets around. He duh think that it will be particularly attractive to the Battlefield residents of Penzance when they duh knaw that they can hand feed real wild animals when taking their dogs out for a walk.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, the local reporter monitoring the proposed development, has been heard to say that her Uncle Billy from over to Relubbus is "sum bleddy excited" about the scheme, "even after they NT buggers done the dirty on the Council with caravans at St. Michael's Mount".