CORNISH CONVERSATION CORNER

or CORNISH FOR EMMETS

Many non-Cornish folk find it difficult to understand Cornish people talking amongst themselves, particularly, when "broad Cornish" is being spoken. This tuition series is intended to provide a gentle introduction to light- to medium-broad Cornish for non-Cornish folk, or "Emmets".  It will be noted that it is impossible to provide guidance in respect of very broad Cornish.

The following conversation between two Cornishmen, Madron and Denzil, was recorded recently in Penlee Park and is presented here with a standard English equivalent.

Madron: Yeow!  Good Afternoon!

Denzil: Yeow, boy! Why, good afternoon to you too!

Madron: 'Erdee gotta dog, boy. I have heard that you have acquired a dog.

Denzil: Es, yo! Sumscampyis! Yes, a right little character he is as well.

Madron: Where's ee to, uh? Eatenavee? Where is he then? I trust that you have not eaten him.

Denzil:  Naw, I bleddy ebben an 'ee idn 'idin neether. No, I most certainly have not and he is not hiding!
   
Madron:  Idnee?  I kent see ov un! Isn't he?  I cannot espy him anywhere.

Denzil:  Pzackly! Ee idn ere, izza? Exactly!  He is not here.

Madron: Well, Wherzee to uh? Well then, where is he?

Denzil: 'zonly two week ole. Up ome, inna?  Wheree duh blong. He is only two weeks old and so he is at home where he should be.
       
Madron: O 'es! Up ome wimissus?  Ah, I see. He is at home with your wife.

Denzil: Naw, ee bleddy idn. She upanleff we las month. Livin up Scorrier neow inna mobilome. Our boy Trev is ome from Borstal and ee's lookinafterovun fer we. No, I fear that is not the case. My wife left me last month and is now residing in a caravan in Scorrier. Our son, Trevor, is home from private school and he is taking  care of the dog for me.

Madron: O ell, gotta bleddy dash neow! If I doan turnup job centre gen, they buggers'll bleddy stop my giro! See ee gen boy! Goodness, look at the time! I must shoot off now or I'll miss my appointment with the bank manager and then my finances will get in a mess. Toodle pip!

Denzil: Es, yo! Proper! See ee dreckly! Right you are! I quite understand. See you anon!

CHRISTMAS IN RELUBBUS

As these scenes show, Relubbus is bedecked once more with fresh snow.

On the left is the view of the eastern side of the city taken from the 93rd floor of the famous R. C. Oates building yesterday.

This next picture shows the traditional ice sculpture situated at the bottom of Treslothan Avenue just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

In the immortal and Spooneristic words of His High Excellency Councillor Billy Spargo (100, pictured left, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC),  "The town 'ave put on 'is festive cloak and is lookin' sum smucking fart!"

So what is happening around Relubbus at this time of year?  The Roundup's reporters have been out and about gathering stories to bring to our international and eager audience.

Christmas is nothing if not a time when we all think of those who are less fortunate than ourselves.  For this reason, very special appreciation must go to local business, Shelley's Hair and Beauty, for offering a Christmas special to certain folk who are having a hard time of it and can't afford a hairdo.

Lily Nichols, a Bag Lady from Porthlebben, who normally has little more in her bag than a few cans of White Lightning cider, the week's stock of roll-ups and certainly no ready cash for hairdos, was delighted to receive an offer of a free coiffure at Shelley's.  Lily turned up (shown here in the picture of the left) fully expecting to get the treatment from a willing, but fairly inexperienced, junior.  She was therefore delighted to have the attention of the great Shelley herself.

The Roundup reporters, alerted to the occasion by no more than a few dozen frantic phone calls, happened to saunter up to the scene,  there to capture this act of generosity and were therefore extremely
surprised - not to say disgusted - to observe Lily, after the free hairdo, simply helping herself to costly adornments from Shelley's carefully decorated Christmas tree.  Magnanimous as ever, Shelley, when her attention was drawn to Lily's bulging bag of freshly stolen Christmas tree decorations, said, "Leave 'er be, poor old maid.  You seen the state of that old git Lily duh 'ang round with?  I aren't gunna press no charges." 

Meanwhile life in Relubbus clubland seems to have been hotting up.  GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, has called for self-restraint on the part of the lucky citizens of Relubbus, who are free from the concerns of Credit Crunch, Global warming and those other matters, which afflict the other nations of the world.  "They ebbent got it as good as what we 'ave ovver ere, so I duh want to see people goin easy on the livin it up ere."

It was therefore somewhat embarassing to see Councillor Spargo's own great granddaughter Trezela (21) emerging the worse for wear from notorious nightclub 'Queer Feelings' in Prospidnick Terrace, just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The club is run by two characters, who like to be known as Boris and Doris Morris, shown here on the left.

This night venue has acquired a reputation for staging, in the opinion of Supreme Relubbus Methodist Leader, Hajjatodjah Ernie Pascoe, "entertainment of an unseemly and unwholesome nature"".

The club is currently featuring a Japanese male dance troupe called "High Voltage".  Accompanied by a mournful Shamisen, the near naked men lift one leg up after the other emitting baleful cries, whilst audience members take it in turn to adjust the level of voltage in the shocks administered to the dancers to keep them moving for hours on end.   The climax of their 24 hour long act is a triumphant rendition of Kyu Sakamoto's smash hit "Sukiyaki"(still at No.3 in the Relubbus gramophone charts).

Trezelah Spargo was caught by a paparazzo leaving the club very early on Sunday morning and, although she managed a graceful smile for the camera, it very clearly betrayed the fact that she had generous smudgings of cocaine under her nose.  Regarded as the apple of her great-grandfather's eye, Trezelah's exposure as a patron of 'Queer Feelings' and as a cocaine user is likely to bring more than a tear to that most famous of centenarian eyes.  The Roundup will follow development of this story, but feels it is unlikely that Trezelah will be getting any Christmas presents from great-grandpa this year.

Meanwhile, it is the Christmas season and every child in Relubbus is hoping to receive a visit from Father Christmas.  It is therefore with great sadness that Relubbus police have to bring to the attention of all employers and parents the reported appearance in Relubbus of a noted weirdo, one Dougie Botterell, masquerading as Father Christmas.  

The accompanying picture shows the offender in his 'Christmas gear'.  Observant readers will note that the eyes betray a certain malevolent fire not normally associated with Father Christmas.

Dougie does have a disturbing, though apparently not yet dangerous, obsession.  A sufferer of 'leftsockitis', it is his abnormal desire to remove and keep the left sock of any child he meets.  He has been found working as a 'Santa' in many shops from which children emerge content with their present from Father Christmas, but minus their left sock.

The 2009 search for 'The Most Patriotic Relubbus Family' has resulted in a happy victory for the Trembath family of Bramangath street, Relubbus.

The family are shown here on the left.  They are Methodius Kammbronn Trembath, the father (115), wearing Cornish kilt, Mary-Margaret Tregavarah Trembath (42) mother, and Xylophone Trelissick Trembath (15) daughter.

The family are monoglot Kernewek speakers and resolutely reject all influences from outside Relubbus and Cornwall.  Mr Trembath is a Cornish kiltmaker by trade and his wife makes pasties commercially, having been appointed sole supplier to the royal families of  Liechtenstein, Monaco, Luxembourg and (although this is hushed up for political reasons) also to the People's Republic of Hayle, whose leader 'Combover' Ventongimps is very partial to her pasties.  

The maid, Xylophone, has put her name down at the Relubbus Academy of Courtesans, but, if she fails to get in, will be trying to pursue a career in underwater woodwind music.  Why did they win?  Well, word has it that none other than Billy Spargo is also very partial to Mrs Trembath's pasties.

We end our Christmas edition with a caption competition.  What is one bird saying to the other?

The most hilarious answer written on the back of a banker's draft for £15,000 will, if drawn, secure the lucky entrant this latest version of the Cornwall Motor Works (CMW) newest offering, the Praze-an-Beeble (shown below).

So hurry off to a bank today, get your banker's draft for £15,000 and submit your entry now!

Please note that there is nothing to stop you submitting more than one entry, provided that each one is submitted on a separate banker's draft in the correct amount.  We regret however that no one person may submit more than 5,000 entries.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

ENTY MAY'S PROBLEM PAGE

Readers are invited to seek Enty May's benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body, and human relations in general. Enty May has a background in long term psychiatric care.






Doreen Ploppy (15) of Tregeseal: "Problem down below"

Doreen:  Dear Enty.  I don't knaw what 'ave appened but I jes come out in a rash down below las' week.  I put some o' that Carmelite lotion on un an all and it ebbent 'elped a bit. Tracey Wakfer's Granny said to use nettles, but that bin an gon un made un worser 'n ever.  I kent sit down neow.

I'm in agonies 'ere.  "Elp us cannee?

Enty May:  Es, well, my bird, you've come to the right place.  I think Granny meant you sposed t 'use they nettles to brew up nettle tay, not to put un drect on the skin.  No matter.  

Neow, ere's the good news, my 'ansome. You duh live in Cornwall and 'ere we got eour cream.  I duh say 'i's good to eat and i's good to treat!'  Gwout and buy a nice quarter o'cream and spread un all over the 'ffected parts.  Leab'm on there fer coupla ours, then take'n off and put un back in the packet.  You can use 'n fer cream teas fer emmets.  

Put on a fresh quarter o'cream and keep goin like gat till all the rash duh go.  After a week all the rash is gone and it wain't cost you nuthin, cos of all the money you duh git from they emmets fer the cream teas!  Tha's what emmets are for!

Mimi Batten (95) of Newlyn: "'Usbent took bad"

Mimi: Dear Enty, I don't like dealing with doctors er nuthin like gat, but I think i's time fer me to seek 'elp.  In August, my dearly beloved 'usbent, 'Maggot' I duh call un, was took some bad.  'Ee 've bin in bed all the time since then and ebbent eaten nothin nor drunk nothin.  'Ee ebbent spoke a word or moved at all.  Normally I'd jes leab'n go like gat till ee duh wake up again, but ee' is neow startin' to smell much worse n' wa's normal fer un.  I've tried room spray, but ee ebbent worked an the smell's so bad neow I'm sleepin downstairs.  'Elp us, canne?

Enty May:  Neeow, Mimi, my luvver, I got some good news and some bad news for ee.  First of all, 'ere's a good news.  I can 'elp ee.  Tha's the good news.

Neow, e're's  a bad news and there idn no other way to say it, my bird, but your Maggot is in a state doctors duh call 'deceased'.  That idn 'diseased', but what you and me would normally describe as 'passed on or ovver'  That's quite normal fer people wot ebbent drunk nothin, ner eaten nothing ner breathed fer 4 months.  Sorry to 'ave to be the one to tell 'ee, me ansome  but tha's the way obm.

Dwayne Trevain (31) of Treveglos: "Back to Front"

Dwayne: Dear Enty.  I kent bleev I'm goin into print on this, but I ebbent gotta choice.  I'm 100% normal 'xcept that I am back to front down blow.  What should be at the back is at the front and wha's out back should be roun' the front.  I would dearly love to 'ave a wife, but I kent pluck up courage to talk to maids.  'Elp us cannee?

Enty May: My gar! Tha's nuthin to worry 'bout, my 'ansome! Two girls 'ave written in 'ere wi' the same problem.  There's Angie Batten from Tolcarne and Millicent Liddicoat from Marazion.  'Owever - and 'ere's a surprise faree - everyone up Badgers Cross is jes like gat!  So you got nuthin to worry 'bout!

RELUBBUS POETRY FEST

Saturday evening at the Relubbus Arts Club, in its sumptuous and prestigious location in Morrab Alley (just off the famed Boswedden Lane), was the setting for a most eagerly awaited Poetry Fest, presided over by renowned society and literary hostess, Dame Margo Boskenna-Pendarves-Stuff-Art (89, shown left).

The event was packed with luminaries of the Relubbus intellectual and literary world, all of whom had gathered to listen to new works by the giants of the Relubbus poetry scene -- Philip Trudgeon (15) and ‘Odjo Semmens (93).

The evening began with a delicious tea, which was generously donated by Mr R.C. Oates, the famous local mega-multibillionaire philanthropist, who had dug deep into his well-filled pockets to supply each person with a slice of cold ‘og’s pudden, a quarter slice of saffern with a smidgeon o’ cream and a cup tay (one only per person!).

After this regal repast, the crowd then settled into the five comfy wooden folding chairs provided and a reverent hush descended on the room as ‘Odjo (shown left) slowly made his way up to the lectern. This much-loved, albeit ripely smelling, old man clad in his hallmark brown (to be safe!) cord trousers with matching hat typically made a sartorial statement every bit as striking as his poetry by wearing a pair of stilettos in post office red.

After noisily, but necessarily, clearing his throat and mouth of several tissues worth of phlegm, he then spoke out his verse in the loud sonorous trumpeting voice we have come to love:

Aggie ‘ad a stroke

I seen ‘er g’win the Kwop down Prom

This mornin’ -- ‘bout ‘a’ pas’ nine.

An’ now I’ve ‘eard she’s up Treliske;

‘ad a stroke, but doin’ fine.

Tha’s the way ee duh go, boy,

You k’int never be too sure.

Take a good long look at the world, my cock,

Before you duh shut the door.

Silence followed the delivery of these potent words, as the mass of people - acting as one -- drank in their meaning and devoted their whole being for almost half an hour to intense interpretation of their significance.

The spell was broken when, led by Dame Margo, the other four leapt to their feet in rapturous applause, whilst the old man tripped slowly back to his seat, precarious on his stilettos.

It was then that the centre of attention focussed on the boy prodigy, Philip Trudgeon (15). He made his way up to the lectern accompanied by PC Carne of the Relubbus police. This unusual measure was a quid pro quo insisted on by the authorities in return for the temporary removal of young Philip’s electronic tag.
It was then that the young ‘master read out his latest work:

Bashin’ ants till tea-time

I duh like sitting on the pavement in the sunshine, when the summer’s ere.

I duh like to watch the ants come out their nest, when I got a ‘ammer near.

I duh ‘it all they little buggers as they duh come runnin’ out,

An’ I play out tunes wi’ the ‘ammer, when I duh give they all a clout.

I can sit three fer ‘ours doin’ that, till Mum calls me in fer tea,

Then I duh git up wi’ me ‘ammer an’ duh g’w’ome reluctantly.

For those who were counting, the other person at the event was Alice Chirgwin-Jacka, Poetry Correspondent of the Relubbus Roundup, who testifies to the powerful impact the poem had on all those present.

Each person attending was given a small memento, in the form of a little hammer and some captured ants in a matchbox, and then the hordes made their way home .

Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

DON'T BE A LONELY HEART AT CHRISTMAS!!!

Kerensa “Twiggy” Ellis (29) is a sweet affectionate girl and the only child of “Scrammy Ass” and Doris Ellis of Colinsey Road, Penzance. Kerensa, who has inherited her father’s unfortunate problem, is pictured here two months before receiving the electronic tag she now has to wear for one year.

Having badly damaged her previous boyfriend in what she terms a ‘punishment squashing’,"’cos ee wuz lookin’ at other maids”, she is now looking for a new love in her life.

One unfortunate result of her evening curfew is that she has lost her job as female nightclub bouncer. “I ‘ad to make sure they scrubbers didn’t get too pissed up and cause no trouble. If they did, I give’ m a quick squashing to sort ‘n out!”

Kerensa’s psychiatrist says that he is sure that she has a tender side but warns young suitors to make a very gentle start in trying to locate it. BOX 564

Doreen Hottartt (39) is a specialist stilt ballet instructress from up Pendeen, working, as her job title might imply, with vertically challenged people. Although her photo doesn’t show it, Doreen is 7ft 6 ins tall and so she is looking for a tall man.

As she says herself “No use lookin’ up Pendeen. Tallest one up ‘ere is Lofty Penrose and ee’s oney 6ft 5ins – a bleddy shortass compared to me!”

Doreen can play the piano and always has TWO clean pairs of underwear on her, in case of accident. She is proud of her own saffron cake and bakes pasties three times a week. Vanity prevents this charming treasure of a young woman from wearing her hearing aid, and so suitors are asked to speak up or learn sign language. BOX 782

Angelina Jolie-Smut is a cute little 89 year old from Ludgvan. With 5 husbands behind her, Angie is unlikely to be coy on her first new date. As she says, “70 year ago, I used to kep the boys waitin’ fer at leas’ 2 days. Neow, I aren’t gunn fart roun’ – I may not be ‘ere tomorrow!” Consequently she guarantees that any young blade (and only those between the ages of 18 and 29 may apply!) will strike lucky first night.

Angie says that all her bottom teeth are her own and she “d’like t’be partikler about ‘ealth. I duh ‘ave a bath very Febree – ready fer the Spring!” BOX 938

Chris (from Badgers Cross and just 32) is looking for love. Chris is one of those ‘special’ people. So special in fact that Chris’s mum called her child Chris to cover all eventualities. Chris is now 32 and still no one is sure. However, who cares?

Chris has a full-time job as back-up for all the automatic milking machines in West Penwith.

Accordingly, Chris has a moped that goes with the job. Chris will be allowed to use this vehicle to meet anyone – man or woman – who wishes to get to know Chris better.

Sunday paper reporters are not welcome. BOX 481

Clive Stunk (41) is an unemployed ‘large cat trainer’ from Ponsanooth. As he has not been able to find employment opportunities in West Penwith in his chosen profession, because of the total absence of ‘large cats’, he has scratched a living shooting vermin and lost emmets for farmers in the vicinity.

Clive has been solitary largely through shyness. After prolonged treatment to cure him of his close attachment to his favourite tree (which was “cruelly” cut down), Clive would now like to explore relationships with others (people, not trees).

Clive lives in a grove of trees in Sancreed. He owns nothing but a fresh leotard and loves to live ‘au naturel’. He is interested in contact from females (preferably, but not necessarily, women - females from other species might be acceptable). BOX 664

Daniel White-Eye (53), who lives in a bin near Crows-an-Wra, is a champion of equal rights for ex mental patients.

He has battled incontinence – and he claims, with an unnerving chuckle, “in continents unknown” -- and has emerged as ‘a real catch’ "for some woman who idn' too partuklar – which is good as I aren’t particular nether!” BOX720

“Maids ahoy!!!” Watch out girls, because Mammie’s boy Madron Tregear (20) is now back ‘ere!!

Now that her son, Madron, has returned from his six months stay with the International Sea Scouts at their boys only camp in Castro, San Francisco, mawther is keen for him to meet some girls and is willing to pay “any decent maid, who idn' too gobby to g’wout wid’un”. Applicants must be female – of any age – who enjoy a challenge in a man and who yearn to do washing and ironing, darning socks, baking pasties and cakes. BOX 448

CELEBRITIES SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE NEW UNITARY AUTHORITY!

The Cartwrights of BONANZA (the hit Relubbus TV programme) – Ben, Adam, Hoss and Little Joe -- will be at the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street, Penzance next Monday between 10.00 am and 12.00 noon to sign autographs of their new book “5,456 reasons to oppose the Unitary Authority in Truro”.

The Cartwrights, who bought a ranch out near St Buryan back in 1964, are aid to be "mighty displeased" about the introduction of the Unitary Authority.

Ben Cartwright said that he had felt very well served by Penwith District Council, which offered a realistically local level of interaction between Council and people. The way things were going they might just have to saddle up and head out to Truro for a shoot-out with Lavery, the new Sheriff they do not like.

An alternative action would be to remove to the remit of the Greater Rubbus Urban Council (GRUC), which is led by the inspired leader, Billy Spargo (105).

Ernest Hemingway is usually reported as having sadly taken his own life in 1961. However, there are people in Morvah, who maintain that this is simply not so.

Now reportedly a reclusive but still very active writer living on the outskirts of Morvah, Hemingway is said to have produced several new books.

Amongst them are “To have a Unitary Authority and to have not Unity”, “The Bell Tolls for the Unitary Authority” and “A Farewell to the Unitary Authority.”

Meanwhile, in Urbs Relubbana, the miraculously surviving Roman colony in Cornwall, another mighty voice is raised – no less than that of Marcus Porcius Cato Uticensis. Once believed to have died long ago in 46 BC, this tenacious old man is in fact apparently still holding on in Urbs Relubbana.

After a distinguished career as a Stoic philosopher, politician and statesman, he is now working as a tour guide in the Roman colony and is said to be doing very well on it too.

In a surprise announcement he said, “Lavery non est probus. Lavery scelestus est!” This is believed to be a reference to the super-generous remuneration paid to the CEO of the new Cornwall Council, who earns more than the Prime Minister of Britannia. Cato is also believed to be angered that the will of Cornish voters was ignored.

Enjoying a posthumous holiday in St Buryan, great American comedienne and actress Lucille Ball, a mere 20 years dead, has been seen dallying with killer West Cornwall Lothario, Dan Kernow, deceased Penzance fish shop owner, in and around Penzance.

The happy couple have been spotted in Morrison’s, the Penzance Bookshop, the Exchange, Morrab Library, the Alexandra Inn (5 nights running) and even in the famed Diw Vowes lesbian guest house.

Lucille, once her lips could be prised from Stan’s limpet kiss, said, “This Unitary Council is a complete disaster and travesty of democracy!”

Fresh from their recent triumph at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre, Pinky and Perky, the much-loved porcine pair who now have a love-nest in Gurnards Head, the gay (yes, their closely-guarded secret is now out!) piggy capital of Cornwall, also found time to express their outrage about the undemocratic process which led to the introduction of a Unitary Authority above the expressed will of the Cornish people.

Said a trembling Perky (on the left of the picture), “I know of no one – be they human or porcine – who actually voted for a Unitary Authority. It has taken decision-making away from the people at local level. It gives folks nothing and is about as helpful as me voting for pork pies!”

The Roundup will report on further celebrity interest in this matter, as it arises.

TEENAGERS TO VOTE ON RELUBBUS' MOST POPULAR SONG

Youngsters in and around Relubbus will surely be thrilled to have the opportunity of selecting their most favourite popular song at a special Youngsters' Gala night at the internationally renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Saturday night.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (108) has helped the youngsters by selecting for them eight all time greats from which to choose their favourite song and the eight greats are:

1. I do like to be beside the seaside
2. Goin' up Cambern 'ill
3. I'm Henery the Eighth I am
   
4. Where did you get that hat?
5. Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?
6. Hold your hand out naughty boy!
7. It's a long way to Tipperary
8. Waiting at the Church

The songs will be performed by two alternating groups, both well-known to the young Cornish audience - namely The Nancledra Black and White Gay Barber Shop Quartet and the Kkenidjack Kkernewek Kkemmyn Kkaraokke Ensemble (with ever popular organ soloist Onan Weebles).

Smart money in internet betting circles seems to indicate that "Goin up Cambern 'ill" is the runaway favourite.

The event is open to any youngsters between the age of 15 and 21. The Panopticon can accomodate 40,000 people and the event is expected to be packed out on the night.

Girls will sit on the left of the theatre and the boys will sit on the right, whilst the gangway between them will be patrolled by members of the Young Methodist Women's League against 'Goings on'.

Councillor Spargo has asked that the doors be opened at 3.30 pm to let the audience in so that the four hour event will be over in good time to allow the youngsters to get home early to bed for Chapel next morning.

The compere of the event will be the all-time kiddies' favourite Mr Pastry, pictured here far left.

However, everyone is expecting Pinky and Perky to put in an appearance as well to amuse the boys and girls.

The two little piggies seem to have a cult status amongst the young folk of Relubbus.

We asked some youngsters what they thought about this superb entertainment event.


Christine Slut, a 19 year old self-employed 'pole dancer' from Sancreed, said, "Well, it makes a change from walking the streets, so I'm up for it!"


Nigel Botheras, a 20 year old trolley operative apprentice from Pendeen said, "If it means a free bus out of Pendeen, I'm yer man!"


Kerensa Trewhela, a 21 year old 'junya' from the Relubbus branch of the internationally renowned Shelley's Hair and Beauty said, "Luvlee! When all they people duh see my 'air, they might as' me to do theirs too!"

Of course, the Roundup will be there to report on this Youngsters' event of the year.










s

CHRISTMAS WONDERLAND AT OATES OF RELUBBUS

R C Oates Superstore opens its Christmas Wonderland on Tuesday 1^st December!!

Christmas is coming and there are lots of preparations to be made.

With Oates of Relubbus, you need have no fears – all your needs will be met. So Hurry Along!!

Mr Oates himself, as the photo shows, is eagerly awaiting you all with his customary smile to wish a very Merry and exceedingly Jolly Christmas.

The first two ladies to cross the door will receive a glass of SNOWBALL complete with glacé cherry – absolutely FREE!!

Inside there are loads of presents for all the family! But that's not all!!

We not only have presents for ladies and gents and children, we also have the largest range (outside Brighton) of presents specifically for the Lesbian, Gay, Transgender and Bisexual community. We even have presents for you, if you are just feeling a bit queer! So come inside and check out the huge range in our sixteen floor department store.

For Kiddies!!

We have gone out of our way to make sure that the kiddies have lots of Christmas fun.

Get the brand new game of RISK. This is a board game involving armies and the winner is the one who takes over the world!

Includes lifelike masks of Bush, Blair, Sadaam and Ghaddafi and all your favourites! Just £47!!

Get a super BOY'S OWN Annual!!

This is packed from cover to cover with stories that will keep the kids (and dads!) laughing all Christmas day!

Includes a whoopee cushion and three packs of Polkinghorne’s famous FART powder!! Just £24!!

Keep your little laddie happy with a DAVY CROCKETT outfit. All the boys will want one.

Make sure that your little laddie is not disappointed. Just £195 for the real Beaver fur version!! NB Knife is razor sharp!!!

Get the whole family playing SWACK. This super game will get them thinking! Features questions on mental arithmetic, history, geography and other core school subjects.

Each player puts their fingers in a steel-toothed mousetrap and- if they get the answer wrong – it’s SWACK! Just £75!! (comes with FREE starter medical kit!)

For Women!!
Our in-store branch of Shelley’s Hair and Beauty will be offering mince pies, mulled wine and nipples for everyone between 4.30pm and 4.49 pm on the day.

Other offers include:

2.7% off all our treatments for fat people!

£50 off our famous oxyacetylene treatment for nails (now down to only £750!!)

5% off spot squeezers (2^nd hand only) and other used beauty tools!

New £3 chemical blue rinse treatment for old folk – with free wig when it goes wrong!

Get your teeth tattooed with your lover’s name for only £938!

Plus lots more!!

Such as ….the special guest appearance of Frank Ifield singing his latest hit

“I remember you” at 4.42 pm.

For Men!!

Useful books:

Britain by B Roads

Miming ‘Cornishman in the Rain’ and other great impressions

Sewer fishing guide

How to play Trampoline Chess

How to get away with Murder

How to pick nose, ears and teeth without damaging vital organs

Also brand new consignment of Hungarian Nylon Drip-dry shirts in for neck size 12” and 21” only!!!

Finally…..

The RC Oates sponsored Christmas Panto will be taking place once again at the 3^rd Relubbus Scout Hut. A full costume rehearsal is shown in the picture on the left.

A surprise member of the cast is none other than Greater Relubbus Urban Council Leader, Billy Spargo (106). He is in heavy disguise.

A generous prize (worth £7,000!!) awaits the first reader, who correctly identifies which one of the cast members is the great Billy Spargo and who qualifies according to all the selection criteria.

Readers must send in their ‘guess’ in a sealed envelope, marked “Where’s Spargo competition?” and containing a £10 note. They must also enclose a stamped addressed envelope together with a haiku in medieval Albanian on the subject of in-growing toenails.

The readers that achieve this then qualify for the last leg of the competition, which is the four mile swim across Mounts Bay to be completed in under 35 minutes.

The eventual winner than receives a free night of passion with celebrated Madron courtesan Chlamydia Trewhela (39).

Yes, Christmas is coming…………