CHRISTMAS IN RELUBBUS

As these scenes show, Relubbus is bedecked once more with fresh snow.

On the left is the view of the eastern side of the city taken from the 93rd floor of the famous R. C. Oates building yesterday.

This next picture shows the traditional ice sculpture situated at the bottom of Treslothan Avenue just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

In the immortal and Spooneristic words of His High Excellency Councillor Billy Spargo (100, pictured left, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC),  "The town 'ave put on 'is festive cloak and is lookin' sum smucking fart!"

So what is happening around Relubbus at this time of year?  The Roundup's reporters have been out and about gathering stories to bring to our international and eager audience.

Christmas is nothing if not a time when we all think of those who are less fortunate than ourselves.  For this reason, very special appreciation must go to local business, Shelley's Hair and Beauty, for offering a Christmas special to certain folk who are having a hard time of it and can't afford a hairdo.

Lily Nichols, a Bag Lady from Porthlebben, who normally has little more in her bag than a few cans of White Lightning cider, the week's stock of roll-ups and certainly no ready cash for hairdos, was delighted to receive an offer of a free coiffure at Shelley's.  Lily turned up (shown here in the picture of the left) fully expecting to get the treatment from a willing, but fairly inexperienced, junior.  She was therefore delighted to have the attention of the great Shelley herself.

The Roundup reporters, alerted to the occasion by no more than a few dozen frantic phone calls, happened to saunter up to the scene,  there to capture this act of generosity and were therefore extremely
surprised - not to say disgusted - to observe Lily, after the free hairdo, simply helping herself to costly adornments from Shelley's carefully decorated Christmas tree.  Magnanimous as ever, Shelley, when her attention was drawn to Lily's bulging bag of freshly stolen Christmas tree decorations, said, "Leave 'er be, poor old maid.  You seen the state of that old git Lily duh 'ang round with?  I aren't gunna press no charges." 

Meanwhile life in Relubbus clubland seems to have been hotting up.  GRUC Council Leader, Billy Spargo, has called for self-restraint on the part of the lucky citizens of Relubbus, who are free from the concerns of Credit Crunch, Global warming and those other matters, which afflict the other nations of the world.  "They ebbent got it as good as what we 'ave ovver ere, so I duh want to see people goin easy on the livin it up ere."

It was therefore somewhat embarassing to see Councillor Spargo's own great granddaughter Trezela (21) emerging the worse for wear from notorious nightclub 'Queer Feelings' in Prospidnick Terrace, just off fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The club is run by two characters, who like to be known as Boris and Doris Morris, shown here on the left.

This night venue has acquired a reputation for staging, in the opinion of Supreme Relubbus Methodist Leader, Hajjatodjah Ernie Pascoe, "entertainment of an unseemly and unwholesome nature"".

The club is currently featuring a Japanese male dance troupe called "High Voltage".  Accompanied by a mournful Shamisen, the near naked men lift one leg up after the other emitting baleful cries, whilst audience members take it in turn to adjust the level of voltage in the shocks administered to the dancers to keep them moving for hours on end.   The climax of their 24 hour long act is a triumphant rendition of Kyu Sakamoto's smash hit "Sukiyaki"(still at No.3 in the Relubbus gramophone charts).

Trezelah Spargo was caught by a paparazzo leaving the club very early on Sunday morning and, although she managed a graceful smile for the camera, it very clearly betrayed the fact that she had generous smudgings of cocaine under her nose.  Regarded as the apple of her great-grandfather's eye, Trezelah's exposure as a patron of 'Queer Feelings' and as a cocaine user is likely to bring more than a tear to that most famous of centenarian eyes.  The Roundup will follow development of this story, but feels it is unlikely that Trezelah will be getting any Christmas presents from great-grandpa this year.

Meanwhile, it is the Christmas season and every child in Relubbus is hoping to receive a visit from Father Christmas.  It is therefore with great sadness that Relubbus police have to bring to the attention of all employers and parents the reported appearance in Relubbus of a noted weirdo, one Dougie Botterell, masquerading as Father Christmas.  

The accompanying picture shows the offender in his 'Christmas gear'.  Observant readers will note that the eyes betray a certain malevolent fire not normally associated with Father Christmas.

Dougie does have a disturbing, though apparently not yet dangerous, obsession.  A sufferer of 'leftsockitis', it is his abnormal desire to remove and keep the left sock of any child he meets.  He has been found working as a 'Santa' in many shops from which children emerge content with their present from Father Christmas, but minus their left sock.

The 2009 search for 'The Most Patriotic Relubbus Family' has resulted in a happy victory for the Trembath family of Bramangath street, Relubbus.

The family are shown here on the left.  They are Methodius Kammbronn Trembath, the father (115), wearing Cornish kilt, Mary-Margaret Tregavarah Trembath (42) mother, and Xylophone Trelissick Trembath (15) daughter.

The family are monoglot Kernewek speakers and resolutely reject all influences from outside Relubbus and Cornwall.  Mr Trembath is a Cornish kiltmaker by trade and his wife makes pasties commercially, having been appointed sole supplier to the royal families of  Liechtenstein, Monaco, Luxembourg and (although this is hushed up for political reasons) also to the People's Republic of Hayle, whose leader 'Combover' Ventongimps is very partial to her pasties.  

The maid, Xylophone, has put her name down at the Relubbus Academy of Courtesans, but, if she fails to get in, will be trying to pursue a career in underwater woodwind music.  Why did they win?  Well, word has it that none other than Billy Spargo is also very partial to Mrs Trembath's pasties.

We end our Christmas edition with a caption competition.  What is one bird saying to the other?

The most hilarious answer written on the back of a banker's draft for £15,000 will, if drawn, secure the lucky entrant this latest version of the Cornwall Motor Works (CMW) newest offering, the Praze-an-Beeble (shown below).

So hurry off to a bank today, get your banker's draft for £15,000 and submit your entry now!

Please note that there is nothing to stop you submitting more than one entry, provided that each one is submitted on a separate banker's draft in the correct amount.  We regret however that no one person may submit more than 5,000 entries.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!