By Theatrical Correspondent Tresco Angarrack
Germoe Arts Centre was the unlikely location for a world premiere of the latest work from the famous, but controversial, German dramatist, Wolfgang von Afterdingen.
The unusual nature of the event drew arts aficionados from around the world to witness Herr von Afterdingen's latest magnum opus.
The 54 year old dramatist, who hails from Itzehoe in Schleswig Holstein, has astounded and confounded critics around the globe with his innovative and challenging approach to modern theatre. His last work, which ran for 36 weeks in Berlin, and for one night in Camborne, was entitled Pflanzen, meaning "plants" in English.
All the parts in this dialogue-free piece were played by plants. The central role was taken by a rubber plant, called Hans. Hans was flanked by two cut daffodils (which had to be changed nightly), called Gabi and Klaus. The play was divided into 7 indistinguishable acts of 30 minutes each. The full effect of the play was devastatingly powerful, unrelieved as it was by any movement, music or dialogue.
Von Afterdingen fans, reared on such exotic fare, were salivating at the prospect of yet further offerings of dramatic innovation from the great man. He did not disappoint them!
Pictured above is the man known as the "volcano of drama", Wolfgang von Afterdingen himself, as he appeared yesterday in the Germoe Arts Centre in his latest work, entitled Gebackene Bohnen, or "Baked Beans" in English. He is the only actor in this play, which continuing a theme that is becoming something of a trademark for his work, contains almost no dialogue whatever.
The play has one act only and it lasts "as long as it needs to" according to von Afterdingen. The great man is put on a diet of nothing but baked beans for a week. He then takes the stage. The curtain goes up. He is seated in his chair, looking a little strained. He announces "Ich habe gebackene Bohnen gegessen!", which means "I have eaten baked beans", though he does not believe that a translation is necessary.
He resumes his seat, and then, with many a pained expression, produces a series of trumpeting farts. When, at last, he is out of wind, the play is over. Yesterday's performance lasted for one and a half hours.
When the great man had concluded and left the stage, the audience was, at first, stunned. When full realisation of the great man's originality dawned, the audience slowly but surely broke out into thunderous applause. The great man, tired from his exertions, did return to the stage, but explained that he was not able to perform an encore.
The rapturous reception from all three of the audience has ensured that the play will run and run at Germoe and there is now even talk of a transfer to the Madron Scout Hut.
Tickets for the play are available from Mavis Pengelly's Sauna and Massage Parlour at Germoe at a price of only £35 each. Readers are advised to rush to get their tickets now so as not to be disappointed.
GERMOE WORLD PREMIERE OF INNOVATIVE GERMAN PLAY
THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED A 1000...?
Pictured below is an angel of our health service, charming 28-year-old virgin, Sister Tamsin Roskilly from out Tregavarah. But is she more? Could she also be, as her mother now claims, the most beautiful girl there ever was?
Tamsin is, of course, very talented and this is evident in her already having become a Ward Sister at the West Cornwall Hospital, before the age of 30. She has also -- over the years -- assembled an impressive collection of 17 tame albino moles, with which she feels a great affinity.
Being extremely short-sighted, she has compensated by developing an acute sense of hearing, which enables her not only to locate objects but also to discern their colour and judge their weight, just by listening closely. The nursing staff have sometimes jokingly, but very fondly, referred to her as "the bat", because of her astounding abilities in this respect.
However, her mother Agnes now claims, in a revelation that has set the whole of Tregavarah gossiping, that her daughter is none other than the re-incarnation of the fabulous Helen, wife of King Menelaus of Sparta, the cause of the Trojan war and whose face, according to Homer, "launched a thousand ships".
We ask our readers to take a long lingering look into the eyes of Tamsin and see if they can then withdraw. There is, you will agree, a curious magnetic pull to those eyes -- a hypnotic power, which draws you ever further in -- behind the bottle end glasses into the soul of this chaste, but passionate, female.
In an instance of history repeating itself, Agnes Roskilly also revealed that a boat is to be launched (in the boating pond next to Lidl) and named after her daughter -- the Tamsin. The boat will be launched by her neighbour's 8-year-old son, Tommy, sometime during the summer half-term holiday. It will be crewed by Fidget, one of Tamsin's moles.
Mrs Roskilly would also be pleased to hear from any young Menelaus out there who is so struck by Tamsin's photo that he would like to meet her.
KWOP ANNUAL OUTING
ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, A SUCCESS AGAIN!
Staff at the Upper (top of Causewayhead) and Lower (Queens Square) Kwop in Penzance had their annual mystery charabanc tour last week.
Always hugely popular, each year there is the prospect of being taken off to some exotic mystery destination. Last year, the destination turned out to be Marazion beach. Wrapped up warm against the biting wind and driving rain, the jolly Kwop employees amused themselves playing beach games and managed to keep going until warm pasties and tea arrived. Devouring these quickly before they cooled, they then scuttled back into the waiting charabancs and set off on the long (three punctures) journey back home.
Pictured above is the happy crew before setting out last week -- and before the unfortunate incident
Yes, it's all smiles in the picture of last week's trip -- and why shouldn't it be? The destination turned out to be Land End -- always popular with the young folks.
On the left of the picture is the vehicle that developed the fatal brakes problem, which only became apparent when the driver (Dickie Trembath, 41, shown on the extreme left) was demonstrating to Betsy Clemo (25) on the extreme right "'jes 'ow fas' this li'l beauty can go and 'ow quick I can stop". Picking the scenically breathtaking final destination of Lands End for this impromptu demonstration proved to be the undoing not only of himself and of Betsy, but also, of course, of all the other occupants of the charabanc, as it went hurtling over the cliff's edge at Lands End at a speed of 52 mph...
The occupants of the other Kwop charabancs at first mistakenly thought that the rapidly disappearing vehicle had been hired out to visiting Japanese tourists of a kamikaze variety.
They then discovered, to their great dismay, that the entire cheese, bacon, bakery and tinned goods sections of the Upper Kwop had been "taken out" at a stroke.
It goes without saying that enjoyment of the rest of the outing was somewhat muted. Mr Addicoat (67), the general manager (pictured on the right wearing a hat and with a handkie in his top pocket), spent the rest of the day working out how to man the two shops with diminished staff numbers.
Meanwhile, the remainder of the staff put a brave face on it and, the weather being warm and benign, took off their coats and played rounders until the pasties and tea arrived.
Thus duly revived, and with many a mention of the need for taking on "the war spirit", our plucky KWOP operatives gave themselves over to, at first tentative, but then gradually increasingly enthusiastic nips of fortifying spirits supplied by Mr Addicoat.
All in all, the surviving members of the Kwop staff deemed the 2008 annual outing a great success.
If any readers have particular aptitudes in respect of the keeping of cheese, bacon or breads, they are asked to contact Mr Addicoat, who may well have good news for them in respect of lucrative employment in the Upper Kwop in Penzance.
OLYMPIC TORCH "LIBERATED" IN RELUBBUS
By Diplomatic and Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner
Huge anti-Chinese demonstrations greeted the arrival of the Olympic torch in Relubbus yesterday, during the Kernow stage of its progress around the world. The picture above shows the torch at the start of its journey down Boswedden Lane, guarded by a motor cycle escort, armed riot police, and a sinister gang of blue track-suited Chinese "torch minders".
Tens of people lined both sides of the street, with rival groups hurling vociferous abuse at each other.
A large posse of Chinese students, many of whom had apparently been "bussed in" from as far afield as Camborne Tech., cheered the torch on its way.
However, they were opposed by larger groups of exiles from the People's Republic of Hayle, protesting at the Chinese annexation of their country. The picture below shows one such group, who chanted "Save Hayle!" and "Free Hayle now!"
Since Chinese troops first marched into Hayle in 1950, replacing its elected government with a puppet regime run by Chinese officials, the world has, by and large, found it convenient to turn a blind eye. The Hayle spiritual leader, the fundamentalist Methodist Rev. Savonarola Polkinghorne, was forced to flee to Relubbus, where he set up a government-in-exile. Over the years, the Haylor community in Relubbus has been swelled by more and more refugees from the so-called "People's Republic".
At various points along the route, small groups of protesters attempted to seize the torch, but were easily -- and harshly -- beaten off by the torch minders. Despite the loud protestations of the Hayle exiles and their Relubbus allies, it looked as if the procession would pass off without serious inconvenience to the torch bearers.
However, as the procession reached the end of Boswedden Lane, from the track to Hard Struggle farm a herd of of some eighty to ninety Herefords suddenly appeared. Urged on by whoops and firecrackers, they charged wildly into the torch procession, scattering motor cyclists, police and torch minders in every direction.
It was at this moment that the experimental llama herd, mysteriously "appropriated" from the DEFRA research centre at Noongallas, charged from the opposite direction.
At the height of the chaos a small "hit squad" of seven or eight men, rumoured to be from Relubbus rugby club, "mauled" the torch away from its bearer and "rucked" it to waiting hands in the rear, who hastily carried it away. They then set about "liberating" the back-up torches.
Speaking afterwards, the Rev. Polkinghorne said: "Issa vict'ry fer bleddy democracy, 'ass wot a is! Nex' week, when they duh go t' Japan, the buggers ul 'ave uh nother bleddy torch, but ee won't be the real one, an' ee won't be one o' they 'backups', neither. The buggers ul 'ave tuh make a fake un!"
STAR INTERVIEW: CHEBNEY QUISTLE
Artist, poet, and musician Chebney Quistle speaks to the Roundup
The Relubbus Roundup will be running a series of "big name" interviews and, to launch the series, is proud to be able to publish an interview between none other than Renaissance man, Chebney Quistle (64), and star Roundup reporter, Loveday Liddicoat (34). As Mr Quistle is resident near Vaduz, Lichtenstein, Ms Liddicoat availed herself of the new Western National Bus Services from Relubbus to Vaduz Station, taking a day return saver ticket at the incredible price of only £4 15s 3d.
Mr Quistle, an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall, has through his numerous paintings, musical compositions, prose and poetry written to the glory of Cornwall, made himself dear to many a true Cornishman.
He came to live in Boskednan near New Mill as a young man of 23 back in 1932. He acquired his great love of the Cornish natural world by walking in the hills around his new home.
It was only the dark clouds of scandal that forced him to move abroad, following the alleged incident in a field near Heamoor two years ago. However, despite lengthy painstaking investigations by both police and the RSPCA, no charges were ever brought against Mr Quistle and, indeed, milk yields in that particular herd went up and not down...
Although he chose to remain a confirmed bachelor, Chebney was a very keen participant in many aspects of local life. He was an officer in the Boys' Brigade and a leader in the Scouts and could always be relied upon when it came to taking boys away to camp. He was also a Choirmaster at his local Church, spending extra time with the owners of his treble voices to ensure the piping quality of their performance.
However, the bulk of his time was spent with the brush or the pen or with his beloved xylophones.
Pictured on the left is Chebney's most famous (and valuable) painting, entitled My House. It cost him some 8 months of tortured work and perfectly captures the atmosphere of Boskednan in the early 1830s, when he first came to live there. This great work was purchased at a price of some £55 for the Tate by Sir Richard Branson, who was a great friend and admirer of Chebney before the incident in Heamoor.
Leaving his very considerable achievements with the brush aside, Chebney was a maestro with the pen and is acknowledged to be one of the greatest English poets.
His poem I am is reckoned to be one of the finest statements of the human spirit in print.
I am -- I am what it is to be,
Because I am what it is to feel.
So ask, please, no more of me!
Ask ye no hedgehog, ask ye no eel!
Just ask Elizabeth to show you -- her spot!
That tender centre of her innermost being --
That is a wonder to behold and not to share!
Brake markings on my underpants --
They are proof of my being there!
They will fade, as do all marks of human kind,
But when fresh, they are proof to the curious nose.
There are, grant you, prettier things -- like daffodils;
Like wandering trees on distant hills:
They summon up images of years gone by,
And of happy peoples whose smiles are no more.
I tire of musing and must close down
Or we will both wear your worried frown.
So go now away and leave me alone,
To play my wondrous Xylophone!
This phenomenally great work was purchased by Roman Abramski for the Russian Nation at a price of 76 billion roubles in 1995.
Chebney was never happier that when playing on his Xylophone. His favourite work, which he played for hours on end, was The three mice, who couldn't see! Like all great works, this too was subject to much plagiarism -- a popular version of it now circulating as "The three blind mice".
The Star Interview went as follows:
Loveday Liddicoat: "Mr Quistle, I do not wish to embarrass you, but could you tell us in your own words just what was happening in that field in Heamoor?"
The great man: " You little bugger! You...you....you....". Gasping for breath," You....". Eyes swimming, he then expired. Since no further words came from the great man, we must let his works alone speak for him.
SCIENCE TRANSFORMS MORAL CLIMATE
Renowned Relubbus recluse Ronnie Rosewarne, often known as the "King of Christian Science", has released details of a powerful new tool that he has designed to help improve the moral fibre of Relubbus.
Professor Rosewarne is shown here on the left in the most recent photograph we have of this most private and elusive individual. The photo was taken back in the 1920s, when Professor Rosewarne had slipped out of his cottage to go to Trevaskis stores to buy a jar of his much-beloved Bovril. Since then, this intensely shy man has managed to avoid all photographers. His primary point of contact with the outside world is via his cleaning lady for the past 60 years, Miss Ethel Tregonning (86).
Despite his advanced years -- Professor Rosewarne is now 116 years old -- his brain remains as acutely sharp and fertile as ever it was. His latest offering to the world is little short of being a marvel -- for he has invented a "mind washing machine". As this proud Cornishman and fiercely fundamentalist Methodist himself sums it up, "There are far too many people walkin' roun' with dirty thoughts. My machine will wash they dirty thoughts clean out o' their minds".
Pictured on the left is the sort of helmet that Professor Rosewarne believes everyone in Relubbus should be wearing. The device does not impair breathing very much and permits near normal vision. When the wearer entertains impure or improper thoughts, he or she will immediately be subjected to very high pressure and very high temperature jets of water, which will pierce the skull and "clean up" any dirty thoughts in the head.
Speaking through his mouthpiece to the world, Miss Tregonning, Professor Rosewarne is at pains to point out that the device has gone through the most extensive testing. He has tried out the device on his two laboratory mice -- Jago and Clemo -- by showing them rather racey and saucey photos of Sue Barker from the Radio Times, whilst they were wearing scaled-down versions of the device. He states that he clearly saw the evil thoughts being expunged from the mice in the gentle smoke that was emitted from their bodies as they died.
The announcement has caused great excitement in the religious world, attracting considerable interest and advance orders (in the millions) from fundamentalists all over the world, including the Bible belt in the US, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Afghanistan, as well as personal orders from a Mr G. Bush in the White House, a Mr Ahmed Dinner-Jacket in Iran, a Mr Oskar Bin Liner in Pakistan, and a Mr L. Shark in Cornwall.
