CARS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

The Roundup has visited the premises of Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors to view the prestige car models for the coming year. As usual, the gleaming new motors will be available only to people in Relubbus up until March, then released to others in Kernow, before being released from June onwards to the benighted souls who inhabit other shores, including those of Pow Saws.

Our Motoring Correspondent, Doug (“Dopey”) Opie, has received the usual invitation to the spacious premises of the Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors (Quadruple K/M) to have a preview of the car models set to become a must-have accessory for the Relubbus multi-millionnaire.

Along with the other four hundred members of the Relubbus motoring press pack, Dopey was treated to a slap-up saffron bun and tea welcome before the viewing of the cars took place.

When this was over, they moved on to view the ‘pride of the pack’ of this year’s cars, the Karnyorth EkoKar, pictured left, with an admiring Dopey alongside.

Despite its costly eco-friendly attributes, this Kar retails at a mere £37,000. It is a “one-seater” and is powered by whoever sits in it, since it has NO ENGINE at all. It therefore consumes no fuel and emits no toxins or particulates whatsoever – APART from whatever the driver might personally emit by means of flatulence.

It has no windscreen, no wipers, no water use at all. However, it does have natural ‘air cooling’. It is made entirely of light UNPAINTED wood. The seat is an unadorned wooden board, which has been expertly planed to ensure that there are no splinters. Accordingly – in view of all these attributes – it can be justly claimed that this Kar leads the way in terms of reduced environmental impact and luxurious comfort. The pedal propulsion (i.e. by foot – with NO mechanics at all – think Flintstone) permits speeds of 2 – 3 miles per hour along flat roads and attainment of dizzying speeds down Paul Hill, although this route should be avoided as there are neither brakes nor steering wheel. Interested environmentalist parties are advised to get in quick as demand is expected to be high.

The next motor is a ‘hot’ machine. Again, it is a one-seater, but it is built unashamedly to attain the highest speeds for the driver and, as the designer, Landshark Treglown says, “Bugger the environment!” This sleek dream-machine is called the “Loveday” and will be available at an on-the-road price of £152,000. Capable of 0-60 in just 3 hours, the Loveday (which has to be followed by a tanker to keep its fuel topped up) is expected to be popular with the rich young singles of Relubbus, who want to make a ‘style statement’.

Regarded as the coolest motor to be brought to market since the ‘Trevaskis Landshark”, the Loveday will be the car to be seen in down fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The next new vehicle is in a completely different category – the people carrier. Called the “Charabanc”, it is capable of transporting 36 people all at once – apart from the driver, who alone is seated. Some might claim that safety has been compromised in this design, but the designers are happy to re-assure that the entire interior has been cushioned with thick layers of expensive asbestos so as to prevent injury when emergency stops have to be made, as well as to protect passengers in the event of unforeseen hazards arising from the unusual use of acetylene as a fuel. The Charabanc is a necessary utilitarian workhorse people-carrier and retails at a mere £25,000.

One of the biggest stirs has been caused by “The Denzil”, which heralds the advent of an entirely new vehicular concept –the under water vehicle. Extensively ‘road-tested’ in Mounts Bay, it is a vehicle targeted at those who wish to cross between the mainland and islands such as the Scillies or, even St Michael’s Mount at high tide. It is very heavily weighted and, once one has driven out into the water, there is no chance of floating to the surface.

There is still some fine-tuning to be done as far as facilitation of breathing under water goes and there is also some urgent last minute thinking to be done on underwater propulsion, since the ‘road-tests’ were achieved by a tow-rope attached to a fishing boat. However, these little ‘issues’ have not dissuaded some 5,700 young Relubbus men-about-town from putting in advance orders for the vehicles, which will retail at £140,000.

The ‘Bowjey Ball’ is the name of the economy-priced family car, which will sell for as little as £31. It is equipped with a lawn mower motor and comes with two seats, one of which can be removed if more passengers are to be squeezed in. In tests, the Bowjey was found to be able to accommodate one driver plus one adult and two medium-sized teenagers at a very tight squeeze and with the doors shut with outside assistance. Despite the manifest intention to avoid cost in this family car, there has been some concession towards the modern fascination with in-car gadgetry, since the driver’s door has a hole, into which a pen or toothbrush might be inserted.

The last car is the ‘Tremethick’, which is a blatant call to the young, red-blooded and loaded playboy. This Italian-styled car comes complete with every luxury and accessory you can possibly think of – including a free blonde called Tracey. The car has a transistor radio in the back and the front both to create a stereo effect and to permit passengers in front and back to listen to different Cornish Radio stations. The back seat can be converted into a bed and also into a Jacuzzi. Furthermore, using the luggage space as well, the back can be converted into a tennis court or football pitch. At the front there are also three cupholders. We could continue to sing the praises of this wonderful car, but – priced as it is at £1,500,000 - it likely to be beyond the reach of most people in Relubbus.

In our last motoring article we had a competition, which had the new Bowjey Ball as it’s prize.

We are pleased to show a picture of the winners. Pictured are Joycie Tresidder (27) and her two brothers – Bert (29) on the left and ‘Poop’ (19) on the right.

The Tresidders, who all speak with fake American accents although they have spent their entire lives in St Buryan, are overjoyed at their win! Said Joycie, "I am overjoyed, I am!"

KGB TARGETS SPARGO

The Roundup has incontrovertible evidence that the Russian secret service, the Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti (FSB) -- which in the Soviet era was known as the KGB -- has targeted Councillor Billy Spargo (93), the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Last week, the infamous Andrei Lugovoi (17, shown left), whom the Crown Prosecution Service believes to be responsible for the murder of the ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in November 2006, was spotted in the Post Office of the People's Republic of Hayle, applying for a visa to enter Greater Relubbus.


The Roundup's undercover reporters in the People's Republic tell us that Lugovoi also hired a top-of-the-range Landshark limousine, with a steel-reinforced chassis and bullet-proof windows, with which to make the journey to Relubbus.

This week, Mr Spargo (23) complained of feeling "unwell", a day after he had been "jostled" in Boswedden Lane by a man carrying an umbrella, the tip of which (he said) had grazed his thigh. Rushed by ambulance to Prospidnick's King Doniert Hospital, Mr Spargo was found to be suffering from a form of radiation sickness induced by the ingestion of a radioactive substance, namely polonium 210. The latter is the same substance allegedly used by Mr Lugovoi to poison Mr Litvinenko.

It is hardly surprising, following his recent outspoken attack on the Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin (left), that the FSB should target Councillor Spargo in this way.

However, the day after being rushed to hospital Mr Spargo appeared to have made a full recovery and declared himself to be "right as rain". In a statement to reporters, he declared:

"I bin born 'n brought up in Cornwall, so no bleddy radiation is gonna see me off. I duh live in a granite 'ouse in a granite land an' I bin breathin' in radon gas all me life. I'm bleddy immune tuh radiation!"

He went on to threaten retaliation against the Russians, and against Mr Putin in particular, who he said was "behind all this". He said that he would be dispatching units of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek, to Moscow. Their mission, he said, would be to "shove a capsule of radon gas up Putin's arse! Le's see 'ow 'ee likes 'un!"

LONELY HEARTS OF WEST PENWITH

The Roundup justly prides itself for bringing about, through these introduction pages, some 54% of all the weddings in West Penwith. Despite this mighty achievement, there remain folk who still yearn for that perfect partner and we feature some of them in this issue and, in so doing, visit some of the more exclusive places in this part of the world.

Boskednan is a fine fair place for a young lady to grow up in. For the past 24 years, it has nurtured one of the most delicate and rare feminine flowers in West Penwith – Graeme (29). Graeme is the daughter of local farmer Anthill Polkinghorne (72) and his wife, Polly (64).

Graeme was educated at West Cornwall School for Gentlewomen and attended Nancealverne University, where she read books and cross stitch.

Graeme plays ukelele and has two goldfish of which she is very fond. She is deeply interested in ancient Egypt and has invented a family boardgame “Name that Glyph’, which requires 42 players and has the added spice of possible execution for losing adults (children lose just a finger or tooth).

She describes herself as ‘just a home girl really’. She is looking for a ‘real man’ to love her, but coyly points out that he need only have one ball, as she has two of her own. Boskednan 205.

Grumbla is a relatively quiet place of just some 45,000 souls. However, it is also the unlikely home of Janet, a unique experiment in procreation entered into by former Vice President of the USA, Dick Cheney.

Agnes Jago agreed some 25 years ago to accept, for an undisclosed fee, the offspring of Mr Cheney and his ‘ginger monkey’ (we believe an orang utang) and to bring said offspring up as her own.

Cheney did not want news of his dalliance with ‘Borneo monkeys’ to damage the progress of his political journey. Ms Jago has lovingly brought up young Janet as her own.

Now 18 years old, Janet would like to experience love and life outside the one up one down home she has called her own since birth. She is a gifted xylophonist and is very sparing indeed in the use of toilet paper – she would like to meet someone with similar values. Grumbla 396

Bojewyan is the home of 19 year old dream girl, Shazzer Treneere, who works as a life guard on Sennen beach during the summer and works as a lap dancer during the winter.

Shazzer says that her busy life has so far not allowed the magical window of romance to open for her, but she dreams of having her own “li’l ‘ome up ‘Eamoor and a ‘usbant, what duh come ‘ome punctual every evenin’, not like they pissed bastards, what duh come into the club.”

Shazzer has a GCSE pass in biology and would ideally like to become a doctor. She is an avid collector of dandelions, which she dries and preserves in books. She so far has a collection of over 450 such books. Bojewyan 402

Brane is where you will find local entrepreneur, Nigel (Nige) Nance (39). Nige is very honest about the unorthodox way in which he earns his living – he is a house-breaker.

However, he proudly claims that he has never been a burden on the state. He has never claimed benefits of any kind, he has never been ill and – most importantly – he has never been caught.

Nige likes to relax over a few beers with his mates, with whom he often engages in farting competitions (see picture) – for money . In his own little circle, he is regarded as something of a success. What would make his life complete is a good little woman who would be waiting for him when he comes home in the morning after a hard and careful night’s work. Brane 551

Formerly of Queens, New York, but now in Kerris you will find jazz affionado Clarence Ferris-Perris (31). Clarence is a passionate and gifted gazoo and triangle player and, for the past seven years, he has been building his own giant trombone from beach driftwood.

Attracted to Kernow by the fact that his favourite psychoanalyst came to live here, Clarence makes a living by servicing and repairing gramophone players and by 'tuning' triangles.

As far as sports go, he is a devotee of ‘extreme ironing’ and takes in his neigbours’ washing in order to pursue his sport. Clarence would like to meet a lady prepared to share all his interests, including ‘Angela’, a doll for which he paid a lot of money some years back. Kerris 566

Trethewey is the home of Sister Loveday (27) of the Experimental Abbey for Boys and Girls of the Fundamentalist Methodist Persuasion. Loveday’s name was put down at the Abbey by her ultra-devout parents some three years before her birth.

A talented break-dancer, who achieved Kernow-wide acclaim for her inspired and spirited (and X rated) dance interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ hit “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction”, she has been given special dispensation to find a young man with whom to have some kiddies, before returning to nunning full time. Trethewey 901




Boleigh is where Willy Botheras (24) can usually be found. However, he has chosen to send in a snap of himself on his dream holiday in Trivandrum in India, where, after gaining a pretty impressive tan, he has just been mowing the lawn, wearing nothing but his underpants, because of the unbearable heat.

At home, Willy is a SWEB meter reader and, in his spare time, plays left right out for crack West Penwith football team, Richmond Rangers.

Willy would like to meet a man or woman, who would like to meet him to while away evenings on jigsaw puzzles. Boleigh 392

Castallack is home to romantic gas fitter Tommy Penrose (34). He lives alone in a cosy caravan equipped with one double-glazed window and an unusual home-made stabledoor arrangement.

Tommy has no teeth and this seems to have reduced his chances with the ladies. Accordingly, he would like meet a young woman aged between 16 and 106, who also has no teeth and therefore won’t mind his lack of mouth gear.

Tommy eats only tomato soup for every meal and he hopes that his new lady will help him explore other soups. Castallack 723

NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.

KERNOW ISSUES UDI

By our award-winning political correspondent, Rendell Janner

The Union of Kernow States, led by the economic and military powerhouse of Greater Relubbus, has issued a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from England, declaring Kernow -- like Scotland and Wales -- to be a separate nation within the United Kingdom.

The picture shows the gigantic statues of the ancient kings of Cornwall that have been erected at the entrance to the Tamar road bridge. These colossal figures -- hewn from Prospidnick granite -- are, according to Councillor Billy Spargo, Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), intended to emphasise that the Tamar is an international border and that England stops at its banks.

Councillor Spargo has stated that the official language of the newly-independent state will be Kernewek Kemmyn. In an ironic reversal of what happened in the sixteenth century, English will be banned from public life. The English Book of Common Prayer will be outlawed and church services will be conducted throughout in Kernewek (although Latin will also be permitted).

In future, all legal documents must be written in Kemmyn. Henceforth, any contracts written in English will be considered void.

Likewise, all public business, including council meetings and court hearings, will be conducted in Kernewek, although in criminal trials simultaneous English translations will be made available to Sowsnek malefactors, so that they are able to understand the dread sentences meted out to them.

In a concession to emmet tourists, road signs will be dual-language (though the English version will follow the Cornish and be in rather small letters).

What do YOU think of these incredible developments? Add a comment to this article to let us know your views!
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PRESIDENTIAL POWER CHANGE!!

All eyes are set upon the Prospidnick Institute of Decorative Patisserie at which, on 20th January 2009, there is a handover of power from the outgoing President, Mr Daftasa Brush to the sparkling new President, Mr By-Rock Hussein O’Barmer.

Located as it is on the grounds of the prestigious Prospidnick American Hospital, the Institute is patronised almost exclusively by Americans. The post of President is therefore keenly fought over by Americans and the Presidential contest is closely watched by Americans around the world.

American television networks are therefore expected to flood into Prospidnick to cover the inauguration of the new President and to broadcast his inaugural address, in which he will outline his vision for the future and his primary goals for the four year term of his office.

The outgoing President did not exactly cover himself with glory during his period of office. He seemed to struggle with the simple things like opening the right doors, holding a book the right way up and walking in a straight line WITHOUT looking like a monkey. He also had great difficulties in controlling his facial muscles and even found speaking a challenge beyond his capabilities on many occasions, when he would seem to invent words, which he then uttered with all the desperation of a pet puppy trying to please.

The Americans are now pleased to be able to rid themselves of this “embarrassment on legs” and turn with fresh hope towards the promise offered by the new President, pictured here at his Prospidnick hideaway with his family. In a nation historically challenged by racial division, he embodies ready-made solutions in his very own persona, as reflected even in his name.

The first element “By-Rock” reflects Methodist fundamental roots, whereas the “Hussein” element plays well with the Muslim community. The last name, “O’Barmer”, is a complex one, which appeals both to the significant Irish community as well as to many in Europe, since Barmer is the name of a German health insurance vehicle. All in all, he seems to present the perfect package.

The guest of honour at the inauguration will, of course, be none other than the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Billy Spargo (97) himself (pictured here 30 years ago on holiday in Porthcurno).

Mr Spargo is estranged from his wife and it is believed that he will be accompanied by his new ‘love interest’ Dita von Teese (24), whose months of throwing herself at the great man have eventually paid off.

(The couple met at an anagram weekend in a sauna in Sancreed, where Miss Teese (shown here on the left) revealed that her name was an anagram of ‘Neatest Video’ and that his was an anagram of ‘Pay Big Rolls’. He corrected her by telling her that his name was an anagram of ‘Slob Girl Pay’).

Spargo’s presence means that the event will also be broadcast on Relubbus National Television, RNT or ‘Our Enty’, thereby guaranteeing a global audience of 1,900 million. We are sure that the people of Relubbus will join their great leader, Chairman Billy Spargo, in extending the hands of friendship to the new President and in wishing him every success and happiness.