WHAT RELUBBUS MEANS TO THE WORLD

In a fragile, changing world buffeted by events, a constant and reliable bulwark such as RELUBBUS is a necessary point of reference for all.

But just what does RELUBBUS mean to the movers and shakers of the world? We asked 8 influential people what RELUBBUS means to them.

Barack Obama

When I campaigned for the office of President, I had one image fixed firmly before me and it was the picture of the one true Statesman this world has ever seen – Billy Spargo.

It is no secret that I modelled my internet campaign on the so-called Spargo political fishing net, which ‘captures more political fish’ than any other. It is a matter of great regret to me that I cannot make Relubbus the site of my first foreign visit, since Councillor Spargo has told me that he has no time to fit me in for a couple of years.

I shall wait patiently. Relubbus stands for everything I would like America to be. When I walk down Boswedden Lane for the first time, I will truly be a happy man.

Cecilie Attias (Sarkozy)

The reason I left my former husband, the 3ft 6 ins tall French President, Nicholas Sarkozy is that I met a real man whilst on holiday in Cornwall. He may have been 91 years old but he had a very powerful aroma, which conquered me.

He took me to Boswedden Lane and to the RC Oates Superstore, to the Relubbus Conservatoire, to the spacious halls (yes, there are two!) of the Wendron Lane Methodist Church to a meeting of the Young Farmers’ wives and I realised the poverty of Parisian life in an instant.

The sad limp structures along the Seine have nothing to compare with the brave bold buildings of Relubbus. The superior sights and smells assault the senses and leave one as helpless as I felt in the strong arms and penetrating aroma of the great Spargo.

I was just a plaything – a distraction - for this great man and I had to go elsewhere to find a poor copy of the great Spargo after I had left my pathetic Parisian dwarf, but I did retain a reverend respect for Relubbus, which reared this great man.

HU Jintao

At a G20 meeting in Relubbus, Billy Spargo took me both to the Fish and Chip Shop half way up Causewayhead in Penzance and also to the Wimpy Bar in Market Jew Street. Then he took me to a rehearsal of the famous Newlyn Male Voice choir, which had worked under the legendary Norrie Williams.

Dizzy with this cultural overload, I was then taken to Penlowarth, where the sheer inventiveness of the benefits claimants was breathtaking. After this, we walked down the serene majesty of Boswedden Lane completely alone, apart from the four thousand Relubbus Boy Scouts assigned to us as security.

Their constant vigilance and ‘preparedness’ made me realise that China truly had much to learn from Relubbus. My two day visit gradually stretched to one month as I realised that the thousands of years of Chinese ‘civilisation’ had brought us nothing. The sophistication of society in Greater Relubbus had won me over completely. Now we all say “Long Live Lelubbus!”

Helen Mirren

Years ago, before I was famous, I was walking down Bread street in Penzance having got really badly pissed up at a party in St James’s Street, when I bumped into a man called Sam Curnow, who ran a fish shop near the top of Causewayhead in Penzance.

I was drunk. He was drunk. But he started talking about the bombs and I was away with him. Yes, he was a little old at his 84 years to my 18, but he had Cornish charisma and I have never met a man since who could do what he did – drunk or sober.

In his memory, I am there for Relubbus, the place of his birth.

Yulia Tymoshenko

We want it civilisation innat Ukraine. It is wonderful ting you know, like? Accordingly we examine all countries round world to get good example to follow it here.

As soon as we hear of Greater Relubbus, bastion of freedom in face of totalitarian Communist Hayle led by dictator Tregavarah Ventongimps, we think of our position here in free sunny Ukraine by the sea right next door to cold Russia of Vladimir Ventongimps Putin.

I write to great Billy Spargo and ask it him for help. He reply kindly by saying he will give me one. Relubbus is model not just for Ukraine, but for all world.

Pope Benedikt XVI
One of ze main reasons that I haff poping taken up is zat – years ago – venn I vaz on holiday in Cornwall, I met ze young Wilhelm Spargo.

I vaz 11 and he vaz older. He vaz my hero and I followed him like a puppy dog. “I vish to be in your gang, Billy!” I screamed. He replied “You gotta better chence of bein pope than bein in my gang, boy!” Being a serious-minded Cherman, I took his vords to heart and applied myself to becoming pope.

Now zat I haff zis achieved, I vill ask Billy if za Vatikan can join ze Relubbus gang! I haff to hurry zis request as I haff been getting into troubles recently and might be ze first Pope to have ot resign! When I haff done poping, I will ask nicely to come to Relubbus to hide.

Lawrence of Arabia

As a child I played upon the sand dunes of Relubbus Towans. My parents often went off drinking leaving me to fend for myself as toddler of 1 or 2 years old.

This toughens you up. With nothing but a nappy to protect me from the blisteringly hot Cornish rain in temperatures which, in August, reached as high as 18 degrees centigrade, I roamed far and wide over the Towans and thus came to love the sand and regard it as a safe haven.

When I reached the deserts of Arabia, it was only the military requirement to ‘blend in’ that kept me from donning a nappy again and, instead, putting on the namby-pamby get-up which the surrounding Ayrabs wore. Thus I owe it to my early years training in Relubbus that I took to the desert sands so well. Hats off to Relubbus!!

DISGRACED RBS CHIEF PUT IN HIS PLACE!

Councillor Billy Spargo (98) had the disgraced ex-chief of the RBS (Relubbus Banking Syndicate) brought in shackles before a full council meeting today.

The RBS ex-chief, Sir Zack “the Sack” Badloss (45), is pictured left in happier days outside the bank, which has been found to have registered losses of £130 billion.

Sir Zack Badloss earned his nickname "the Sack" for the huge number of redundancies he brought about during his career.

Sir Zack earned a whopping £15 million per year during his 11 year tenure at the top of the Relubbus banking giant, which he built up through a programme of ruthless acquisition and redundancy.

Badloss was made to kneel-walk along a specially prepared corridor of broken glass in order to reach the council. The corridor had been lovingly prepared for him by a group of ballot-selected ex-colleagues, who had been sacked and ruined by him over the years.

Lining the route of the corridor were two files of similarly-selected ruined shareholders and customers, who were able to show their appreciation of Badloss’s ruthless recklessness by hitting him with sturdy sticks.

However, such is the famed insensitivity of the man that Badloss made it through to the ordure-filled wooden barrel in which he was to be questioned without any loss of his customary haughtiness.

Outside the Council Chamber a crowd of 140,000 ruined by Badloss’s RBS watched the proceedings on huge screens and intoned a deafening chant of the now familiar mantra “Good riddance to Badloss!”

It was only when Council Leader Billy Spargo (105) raised his arm that silence fell sudden as a stone.

It was then that everyone noticed that, seated in his ordure, Badloss was actually humming the tune of “Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside!”

This display of nonchalant detachment was interrupted by the flood of questions from the furious members of the council, each of whom was armed with a device that sent a sizeable voltage through Badloss to ‘get his attention’. We report some of the exchanges below:

Councillor Nargus Rosewarne: “Have you any banking qualifications?”

Badloss: "I have a grade 3 pass in O level woodwork and….a grade 4 pass in CSE maths. These gongs are more than adequate to qualify me for running any bank."

Councillor Jack Pengelly: “Have you any regret for what you have done?”

Badloss: “Regret? Regret? How can I possibly have any regrets? I have made well over £100 million and have salted it away in the State Bank of Relubbus. I'm alright, Jack, but thanks for the enquiry.”

Councillor Loveday Trembath: "Thousands of people throughout Relubbus and elsewhere in the world have been ruined by your failing bank. Some poor folk have felt themselves driven to commit suicide in their desperation. Do you feel no sense of responsibility?”

Badloss: “As Mrs Thatcher said, we all have to look after ourselves and that is something which I have done very well, which is why her protégé, Tory Blur, gave me a knighthood."

Councillor Madron Andrewartha: “Do you not feel any sense of shame or sorrow for the havoc you have wreaked?”

Badloss: “How can I be sorry and apologise for something which is not my fault? The banking crisis started in America, where, following our programme of social responsibility, we had gone out of our way to extend home loans to thousands of people, who, for reasons of abject poverty, would not normally qualify for any finance at all.

"Of course, we had to charge a bit more for that and some of the suckers couldn’t keep up. It’s all gone a bit pear-shaped, but it is not my fault and I have come out of it very well indeed.

"I think I can just about manage on my savings and my £4 million per year pension.”

Following further questions, Council Leader Billy Spargo (86) ended the 6 hour ordeal by again raising his hand to secure total silence and then issuing a judgement in respect of Badloss:

• His title would be changed from “Sir “ to “Scumbag”

• His savings would be confiscated.

• His mansion and other properties would be confiscated and he would receive a house in poor repair in Colinsey Road with a broken outside toilet.

• His pension rights would be cancelled. He would receive £1.50 worth of food per week from the RC Oates Very Basic range.

• He would be able to keep (indeed, would be forced to keep) his shackles.

The waiting crowd broke into spontaneous and delirious applause at the news.

In a park nearby, 94 year old Josiah Cock sat on a bench and wondered aloud “What did they expect from a man called Badloss, a 'good win'?

"None of these thieving crooks at the top of the banks should have any money at all - they should have prison sentences instead - that's what they deserve!"

He then gave thanks that he had the good fortune to live in Relubbus, which alone amongst the nations dealt firmly with failing banks and bankers.

ADVICE CORNER

Life is becoming ever more complex and more and more people find themselves compelled to seek out professional help so that they can deal with the ever more difficult demands placed upon them.

Mindful that its readers have 100% confidence in its utterances and guidance, the Roundup has accordingly pulled together a starred panel of experts to guide and advise our readers through some of life’s more difficult questions.

Readers are invited to write in to seek the advice of our unique pool of talent. Our panel of experts is at hand to provide advice on a range of matters running from health to wealth, from hairdressing to finance. We have invited our experts to introduce themselves to you. So meet the experts!

HEALTH Dr Brenda Tonkin (57) -- pictured here at a health conference in the Caribbean sponsored by British American Tobacco -- is at hand to deal with any worries you may have about matters of health.

In particular, she is keen to dispel many of the modern health myths which add to the misery of many poor folk. She describes herself as a lady who enjoys a drink or two and who knows how to appreciate the liberating effects that an Old Shag from St Bruno can have.

She is a strong opponent of gyms which, she maintains, cause untold impact injuries and weaken the structure of the body rather than improve it. She is a fierce critic of ‘rabbit food’ and the health freaks who advocate it. She believes that breakfast is the key meal of the day. For her, it should be a good fry up every time, including a good bit of 'ogs puddin’.

Brenda is totally opposed to post-marital sex and finds ginger hair utterly repugnant. Brenda is keen to offer advice to all, but she will particularly welcome approaches from amputees.

MENTAL HEALTH Kaspar Lesnoweth (just 3 months old) is the exceedingly clever genius of the psychiatric world. Being super-intelligent, Kaspar obtained degrees in Mathematics, Physics, Greek, Latin, Russian, Mandarin Chinese, Medicine, Psychiatry, History, and No 1s and No 2s (although he still is in nappies) -- all before reaching the age of 2 months.

Bringing an entirely fresh young mind to the subject of psychiatry, he adopts a radical approach to what he terms ‘mental abewwations’. He firmly believes that anyone less intelligent than he is needs to be ‘exterminated by a dalek’.

Patients who are prepared to tickle his stomach are permitted to be spared ‘as they might be useful’. No matter how depressed a person may be, Kaspar will be pleased to play with anyone.

HAIRDRESSING Tracey Polkinghorne (27) used to be a senior stylist at Shelley’s of St Just before she moved into ‘hair consultancy’. Tracey considers that the artistry of hairdressing is under-rated when compared to its rightful sister arts of poetry and music.

She prides herself on being able to merge all three when having rap music playing while she is undertaking one of her creations for a client. Yes, she confides that she still does do the odd bit of clipping in a garage behind Newlyn Bridge, because she needs the hands-on experience to re-enervate her consulting muscle.

However, she is happiest dispensing the fruits of her accumulated hairdressing wisdom in magazines around the world, foremost amongst which are the Relubbus Roundup and the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. She is also in negotiations with the Luxembourg paper, Zeitung vum Lëtzebuerger Vollek, which will be syndicating her column for a sum believed to be in excess of £7.50 a month.

Tracey will be there for you to deal with all the tricky questions, such as how to turn gray hair into pink or blue and, for the men, how to get a combover that will turn heads.

FINANCE Horton Baragwaneth (45) is one of the few world financiers whose reputations remain untarnished following recent turmoil in the financial world. His oft-repeated maxim of “Keep’n in cash an’ keep ‘n under the mattress” has finally proved to have resonance for all.

The millions of folk who have invested in the stockmarket have seen their investments plummet in value by around a third, whereas Horton’s £27 nest egg retains all the purchasing power it had 27 years ago – apart from inflation, of course. However, as he says “You kent win ‘em all, canee? Least I ebbn lost nuthin!”

Horton famously has another £75 hidden in his garden hedge, although no-one has been able to find it. He styles this his hedge fund. Horton will be providing invaluable advice to all those facing any financial crisis.

PASSING OVER Douglas Penberthy (19) comes from a long line of undertakers and, like any apprentice, he has worked his way up through the family firm, having had a go at every single job so that he would be a true expert.

He says, “I’ve done it all – dug the pits, made the boxes, washed the stiffs, tidied them up to make them presentable for the loved ones, driven the stiffmobile, done the slow walk, carried the box – full and empty – serviced the incinerator, been on the ‘sincere, but glum’ course, managed the budgets and taken the cash. I can do it all!”

This is just as well, as his father is now serving a prison stretch for ‘certain irregularities’ which occurred when he was preparing a corpse, having forgotten first to put his trousers on. Douglas can advise on any aspect of the practicalities of ‘passing over’.

PLUMBING AND GOALKEEPING Lester Bramnoweth (35) is the legendary goalkeeper for top West Penwith football team Richmond Rangers, who play at the St Clare ground in Penzance.

With Bramnoweth’s help, the Rangers have set a new record (10 unbroken years!) for clinging to the bottom position of the South West Peninsula League.

Lester also holds the record for letting in the most goals during any one match, with an astounding total of 326. As he modestly declares “I couldna dunovun without my teammates!”

In addition to this, he is the lead apprentice in the Tremethick Cross mega plumbing empire of Jimmy Addicoat, where he has specialised in the field of difficult bathroom tap washers. Lester is a sound and competent voice in both plumbing and goalkeeping.

CARS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

The Roundup has visited the premises of Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors to view the prestige car models for the coming year. As usual, the gleaming new motors will be available only to people in Relubbus up until March, then released to others in Kernow, before being released from June onwards to the benighted souls who inhabit other shores, including those of Pow Saws.

Our Motoring Correspondent, Doug (“Dopey”) Opie, has received the usual invitation to the spacious premises of the Karnyorth Kernewek KKemmyn Motors (Quadruple K/M) to have a preview of the car models set to become a must-have accessory for the Relubbus multi-millionnaire.

Along with the other four hundred members of the Relubbus motoring press pack, Dopey was treated to a slap-up saffron bun and tea welcome before the viewing of the cars took place.

When this was over, they moved on to view the ‘pride of the pack’ of this year’s cars, the Karnyorth EkoKar, pictured left, with an admiring Dopey alongside.

Despite its costly eco-friendly attributes, this Kar retails at a mere £37,000. It is a “one-seater” and is powered by whoever sits in it, since it has NO ENGINE at all. It therefore consumes no fuel and emits no toxins or particulates whatsoever – APART from whatever the driver might personally emit by means of flatulence.

It has no windscreen, no wipers, no water use at all. However, it does have natural ‘air cooling’. It is made entirely of light UNPAINTED wood. The seat is an unadorned wooden board, which has been expertly planed to ensure that there are no splinters. Accordingly – in view of all these attributes – it can be justly claimed that this Kar leads the way in terms of reduced environmental impact and luxurious comfort. The pedal propulsion (i.e. by foot – with NO mechanics at all – think Flintstone) permits speeds of 2 – 3 miles per hour along flat roads and attainment of dizzying speeds down Paul Hill, although this route should be avoided as there are neither brakes nor steering wheel. Interested environmentalist parties are advised to get in quick as demand is expected to be high.

The next motor is a ‘hot’ machine. Again, it is a one-seater, but it is built unashamedly to attain the highest speeds for the driver and, as the designer, Landshark Treglown says, “Bugger the environment!” This sleek dream-machine is called the “Loveday” and will be available at an on-the-road price of £152,000. Capable of 0-60 in just 3 hours, the Loveday (which has to be followed by a tanker to keep its fuel topped up) is expected to be popular with the rich young singles of Relubbus, who want to make a ‘style statement’.

Regarded as the coolest motor to be brought to market since the ‘Trevaskis Landshark”, the Loveday will be the car to be seen in down fashionable Boswedden Lane.

The next new vehicle is in a completely different category – the people carrier. Called the “Charabanc”, it is capable of transporting 36 people all at once – apart from the driver, who alone is seated. Some might claim that safety has been compromised in this design, but the designers are happy to re-assure that the entire interior has been cushioned with thick layers of expensive asbestos so as to prevent injury when emergency stops have to be made, as well as to protect passengers in the event of unforeseen hazards arising from the unusual use of acetylene as a fuel. The Charabanc is a necessary utilitarian workhorse people-carrier and retails at a mere £25,000.

One of the biggest stirs has been caused by “The Denzil”, which heralds the advent of an entirely new vehicular concept –the under water vehicle. Extensively ‘road-tested’ in Mounts Bay, it is a vehicle targeted at those who wish to cross between the mainland and islands such as the Scillies or, even St Michael’s Mount at high tide. It is very heavily weighted and, once one has driven out into the water, there is no chance of floating to the surface.

There is still some fine-tuning to be done as far as facilitation of breathing under water goes and there is also some urgent last minute thinking to be done on underwater propulsion, since the ‘road-tests’ were achieved by a tow-rope attached to a fishing boat. However, these little ‘issues’ have not dissuaded some 5,700 young Relubbus men-about-town from putting in advance orders for the vehicles, which will retail at £140,000.

The ‘Bowjey Ball’ is the name of the economy-priced family car, which will sell for as little as £31. It is equipped with a lawn mower motor and comes with two seats, one of which can be removed if more passengers are to be squeezed in. In tests, the Bowjey was found to be able to accommodate one driver plus one adult and two medium-sized teenagers at a very tight squeeze and with the doors shut with outside assistance. Despite the manifest intention to avoid cost in this family car, there has been some concession towards the modern fascination with in-car gadgetry, since the driver’s door has a hole, into which a pen or toothbrush might be inserted.

The last car is the ‘Tremethick’, which is a blatant call to the young, red-blooded and loaded playboy. This Italian-styled car comes complete with every luxury and accessory you can possibly think of – including a free blonde called Tracey. The car has a transistor radio in the back and the front both to create a stereo effect and to permit passengers in front and back to listen to different Cornish Radio stations. The back seat can be converted into a bed and also into a Jacuzzi. Furthermore, using the luggage space as well, the back can be converted into a tennis court or football pitch. At the front there are also three cupholders. We could continue to sing the praises of this wonderful car, but – priced as it is at £1,500,000 - it likely to be beyond the reach of most people in Relubbus.

In our last motoring article we had a competition, which had the new Bowjey Ball as it’s prize.

We are pleased to show a picture of the winners. Pictured are Joycie Tresidder (27) and her two brothers – Bert (29) on the left and ‘Poop’ (19) on the right.

The Tresidders, who all speak with fake American accents although they have spent their entire lives in St Buryan, are overjoyed at their win! Said Joycie, "I am overjoyed, I am!"

KGB TARGETS SPARGO

The Roundup has incontrovertible evidence that the Russian secret service, the Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti (FSB) -- which in the Soviet era was known as the KGB -- has targeted Councillor Billy Spargo (93), the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Last week, the infamous Andrei Lugovoi (17, shown left), whom the Crown Prosecution Service believes to be responsible for the murder of the ex-KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko in London in November 2006, was spotted in the Post Office of the People's Republic of Hayle, applying for a visa to enter Greater Relubbus.


The Roundup's undercover reporters in the People's Republic tell us that Lugovoi also hired a top-of-the-range Landshark limousine, with a steel-reinforced chassis and bullet-proof windows, with which to make the journey to Relubbus.

This week, Mr Spargo (23) complained of feeling "unwell", a day after he had been "jostled" in Boswedden Lane by a man carrying an umbrella, the tip of which (he said) had grazed his thigh. Rushed by ambulance to Prospidnick's King Doniert Hospital, Mr Spargo was found to be suffering from a form of radiation sickness induced by the ingestion of a radioactive substance, namely polonium 210. The latter is the same substance allegedly used by Mr Lugovoi to poison Mr Litvinenko.

It is hardly surprising, following his recent outspoken attack on the Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin (left), that the FSB should target Councillor Spargo in this way.

However, the day after being rushed to hospital Mr Spargo appeared to have made a full recovery and declared himself to be "right as rain". In a statement to reporters, he declared:

"I bin born 'n brought up in Cornwall, so no bleddy radiation is gonna see me off. I duh live in a granite 'ouse in a granite land an' I bin breathin' in radon gas all me life. I'm bleddy immune tuh radiation!"

He went on to threaten retaliation against the Russians, and against Mr Putin in particular, who he said was "behind all this". He said that he would be dispatching units of the Relubbus Secret Police, the dreaded Kreslu Kevrinek Kernewek, to Moscow. Their mission, he said, would be to "shove a capsule of radon gas up Putin's arse! Le's see 'ow 'ee likes 'un!"

LONELY HEARTS OF WEST PENWITH

The Roundup justly prides itself for bringing about, through these introduction pages, some 54% of all the weddings in West Penwith. Despite this mighty achievement, there remain folk who still yearn for that perfect partner and we feature some of them in this issue and, in so doing, visit some of the more exclusive places in this part of the world.

Boskednan is a fine fair place for a young lady to grow up in. For the past 24 years, it has nurtured one of the most delicate and rare feminine flowers in West Penwith – Graeme (29). Graeme is the daughter of local farmer Anthill Polkinghorne (72) and his wife, Polly (64).

Graeme was educated at West Cornwall School for Gentlewomen and attended Nancealverne University, where she read books and cross stitch.

Graeme plays ukelele and has two goldfish of which she is very fond. She is deeply interested in ancient Egypt and has invented a family boardgame “Name that Glyph’, which requires 42 players and has the added spice of possible execution for losing adults (children lose just a finger or tooth).

She describes herself as ‘just a home girl really’. She is looking for a ‘real man’ to love her, but coyly points out that he need only have one ball, as she has two of her own. Boskednan 205.

Grumbla is a relatively quiet place of just some 45,000 souls. However, it is also the unlikely home of Janet, a unique experiment in procreation entered into by former Vice President of the USA, Dick Cheney.

Agnes Jago agreed some 25 years ago to accept, for an undisclosed fee, the offspring of Mr Cheney and his ‘ginger monkey’ (we believe an orang utang) and to bring said offspring up as her own.

Cheney did not want news of his dalliance with ‘Borneo monkeys’ to damage the progress of his political journey. Ms Jago has lovingly brought up young Janet as her own.

Now 18 years old, Janet would like to experience love and life outside the one up one down home she has called her own since birth. She is a gifted xylophonist and is very sparing indeed in the use of toilet paper – she would like to meet someone with similar values. Grumbla 396

Bojewyan is the home of 19 year old dream girl, Shazzer Treneere, who works as a life guard on Sennen beach during the summer and works as a lap dancer during the winter.

Shazzer says that her busy life has so far not allowed the magical window of romance to open for her, but she dreams of having her own “li’l ‘ome up ‘Eamoor and a ‘usbant, what duh come ‘ome punctual every evenin’, not like they pissed bastards, what duh come into the club.”

Shazzer has a GCSE pass in biology and would ideally like to become a doctor. She is an avid collector of dandelions, which she dries and preserves in books. She so far has a collection of over 450 such books. Bojewyan 402

Brane is where you will find local entrepreneur, Nigel (Nige) Nance (39). Nige is very honest about the unorthodox way in which he earns his living – he is a house-breaker.

However, he proudly claims that he has never been a burden on the state. He has never claimed benefits of any kind, he has never been ill and – most importantly – he has never been caught.

Nige likes to relax over a few beers with his mates, with whom he often engages in farting competitions (see picture) – for money . In his own little circle, he is regarded as something of a success. What would make his life complete is a good little woman who would be waiting for him when he comes home in the morning after a hard and careful night’s work. Brane 551

Formerly of Queens, New York, but now in Kerris you will find jazz affionado Clarence Ferris-Perris (31). Clarence is a passionate and gifted gazoo and triangle player and, for the past seven years, he has been building his own giant trombone from beach driftwood.

Attracted to Kernow by the fact that his favourite psychoanalyst came to live here, Clarence makes a living by servicing and repairing gramophone players and by 'tuning' triangles.

As far as sports go, he is a devotee of ‘extreme ironing’ and takes in his neigbours’ washing in order to pursue his sport. Clarence would like to meet a lady prepared to share all his interests, including ‘Angela’, a doll for which he paid a lot of money some years back. Kerris 566

Trethewey is the home of Sister Loveday (27) of the Experimental Abbey for Boys and Girls of the Fundamentalist Methodist Persuasion. Loveday’s name was put down at the Abbey by her ultra-devout parents some three years before her birth.

A talented break-dancer, who achieved Kernow-wide acclaim for her inspired and spirited (and X rated) dance interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ hit “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction”, she has been given special dispensation to find a young man with whom to have some kiddies, before returning to nunning full time. Trethewey 901




Boleigh is where Willy Botheras (24) can usually be found. However, he has chosen to send in a snap of himself on his dream holiday in Trivandrum in India, where, after gaining a pretty impressive tan, he has just been mowing the lawn, wearing nothing but his underpants, because of the unbearable heat.

At home, Willy is a SWEB meter reader and, in his spare time, plays left right out for crack West Penwith football team, Richmond Rangers.

Willy would like to meet a man or woman, who would like to meet him to while away evenings on jigsaw puzzles. Boleigh 392

Castallack is home to romantic gas fitter Tommy Penrose (34). He lives alone in a cosy caravan equipped with one double-glazed window and an unusual home-made stabledoor arrangement.

Tommy has no teeth and this seems to have reduced his chances with the ladies. Accordingly, he would like meet a young woman aged between 16 and 106, who also has no teeth and therefore won’t mind his lack of mouth gear.

Tommy eats only tomato soup for every meal and he hopes that his new lady will help him explore other soups. Castallack 723