THE SAGE OF SENNEN SPEAKS

Tens of thousands of happy holidaymakers visit Sennen beach each year. They are entranced by its sparkling, shimmering beauty and, as they relax and play on its pure white sands, the cares of daily life simply slip away from their consciousness.

As they frolic in the sea or just lie there letting the sun gently tan their revealed adiposity, little do they realise that they are within a mere hundred yards or so of one of the greatest sages to walk this earth, former postman A.C.D.C. “Jimmy” Jago (103).

Since taking early retirement from the Post Office at just 28 years of age, Jimmy has not moved from the sumptuously appointed beach hut he built himself all those decades ago. In his seclusion, he has devoted himself entirely to scaling the heights and plunging the depths of philosophical contemplations and exploration.

Naturally, the great and the good have sought his counsel and over the years Mohandas Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, the great Billy Spargo himself and a host of other luminaries have taken the well-trodden path to his door.

The Duke of Cornwall, Seine Königliche Hoheit Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha together with his old flame and new wife Kamillentee, and accompanied by his interpreter Matthias Wolfenbüttel, even has a regular monthly meeting with Jimmy to seek his advice on matters as diverse as architecture, growing cabbages as well as the royal predilection for wearing skirts.

So successful has Jimmy been in counselling on this delicate matter that Karl is now happy to be seen wearing his skirts in public. This newly found freedom has done wonders for the royal marriage, as can be seen from the accompanying happy snap.

The Roundup has visited Jimmy in his hut – or ‘hutment’ as he prefers to call it - to seek his views on the matters of the day. The Sage is pictured on the left wearing the typically cheerful and friendly mien, which reflects the still oceans of inner calm within. For those who do not know him, the Sage speaks only in verse.

Roundup: Your Eminence, do you have any comment on the recent political goings-on in the neighbouring UK?

Jago: The sky grows dark, as does the sea
‘T’is the black black influence of the BNP.
Led by a gryphon and followed by mules
The Bleddy Nazi Party are dangerous fools.

Roundup: Thank you for that insight, Your Holiness. Do you have any comment on the shenanigans in Westminster?

Jago: Drunk on power, but blind with fear
Gordon’s end is very near.
MPs feast on lush expenses
Too far now for mending fences.
London’s power now drains anew
To Edinburgh, Cardiff and Truro too.
Relubbus now will seize the day
And lead the world in Spargo’s way!

At this point, the penetrating pungent smell of home-made goat and nettle soup began wafting in from the cavernous kitchens at the back of the hut, indicating that it was time for the great man’s daily meal.

Bowing low, we reversed from the presence with repeated outpourings of grateful thanks and emerged, much refreshed, once more in the world of ordinary man.

ANNOUNCEMENT AND CLASSIFIEDS

ANNOUNCEMENT

Following refurbishment of the Pope’s Vatican apartments, his old toilet and seat (with Papal insignia) are available for sale to the public by auction at Polkinghorne’s in Boswedden Lane.

The sale will include 13 and a half rolls of UNUSED papal toilet paper. Reserve price of £7,500 will apply.

Classifieds

Breeder of 'elephant' giant dormice offers top quality manure from ‘his little boys’. Delivered by the ton. St Buryan 456723

14,500 remaindered copies of “Knocking on doors” by Hazel Blears. £5 for job lot. Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Jacqui Smith’s husband’s entire DVD film collection bundled together for just £25 (NOT FOR SALE TO MINORS!!) –includes the Peruvian classic “And afterwards, you can even eat the guinea pig!!” Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Entire hardback print run of Gordon Brown’s “Loosen up and live a little” – all 10,000 signed by the author – available for just £3.75 the lot. Wakfer’s of New Bridge 349123

Genuine Cornish ‘Landshark’ motor car to be made available for private sale.

Features include lino floor and driver’s seat in black plastique, windable driver’s window provides air conditioning; rear seat toilet bucket with handle for easy removal ; stool for front passenger with ‘hold-on’ straps for added security; ‘Lid’ cover for boot with completely new piece of string to secure your transportables. Features the classic one stroke engine permitting speeds in excess of 13 mph!!! A true collector’s item and appropriately priced at £44,535. Morvah 567 892

Complete set of left-handed paint brushes 0nly £75 – would suit ginger-haired homosexual living in Tregeseal or, possibly, Newbridge. Paul 678 432

22 year old unpleasant rude little tart with weight control problem, now working at the Morvah pet shop, but can’t wait to get away from the owner, Mr Pubes. Desperate for new career path in either old people care or prostitution. Heamoor 982 345

Vintage (1950s) pram for sale at just £700. Has been completely refurbished and updated for security. Razor blades embedded all around the edges to discourage baby-snatchers. Electrified handles, so rubber gloves (extra at £16.50) are essential. Gurnards Head 456 795

Ladies' Bodice (size 34) in pink and black leatherette. Never been washed and with bitemarks skilfully concealed by invisible mending. Casual stains are a work of unconscious art. Ludgvan 563923

LONELY HEARTS OF WEST PENWITH

Put on this world by the power above
We are destined here to seek out love.
But, if you’ve knocked in vain at love’s bright door
Choose from these ads and knock no more!

We are pleased to be able to post details of those who are looking for love in West Penwith, knowing that we are helping love’s echo to find its way home by bringing you together.

Sister Demelza (31), who achieved fame by becoming top goal scorer in the West Penwith Methodist Nuns’ football league (2nd Division) has decided that it is time to call ‘Dun Nunning’ and to re-enter the secular world, find a man and have kiddies.

Having belonged to the most liberal wing of Methodist Nuns, Demelza is not entirely foreign to the ways of the world, having worked part time at the St Buryan Inn as a barmaid and ‘private’ lap dancer.

Demelza states that “I have kept myself for my husband and would now like him to step forward - but I want a man who can dribble better than me!” Apply through Mother Superior at the St Buryan Methodist Nunnery on 674 302.

Dick “Gloria” Penhallow (31) is a gas fitter and something of a loner from Heamoor. Dick has had a string of unsatisfactory relationships, but insists that guinea pigs are now very firmly part of his past.

He would like to meet a young woman who will be prepared to provide him with practical help on nights out, which he would like to enjoy as “Gloria”, sharing gossip, giggles and girly tips on make-up, nail polish, shoes and the like.

When not Gloria, Dick is a man’s man. Most evenings he comes into town at around 7.00 pm and chooses to drink at the White Hart Inn in Mount Street until closing time, consuming on average 7 pints a night. Whilst ideally seeking a girly friend for Gloria, Dick will be happy to meet anyone who would be prepared to spend some time with him or Gloria. Heamoor 678 345

Gladys Punge (28) is a Primary School teacher from Rosudgeon. Gladys is a fan of traditional jazz, a keen member of her local WI, and loves baking special cakes for her pet crocodile.

Absolutely devoted to her job, she cannot envisage stopping to have children of her own, “As I’ve got 30 children of my own already – every year!”

A gifted clarinettist, she is a member of the Prah Sands underwater wind orchestra. Gladys has been affianced on three previous occasions, but unfortunately all three young men died in unfortunate drownings off Prah Sands, whilst out swimming with Gladys. Rosudgeon 764 357

Lorenzo Colenso (25, formerly Tommy Trevains) is a unisex toenail pedicurist from Morvah, where he runs three toenail salons catering for both male and female members of the local farming community.

Lorenzo hears ‘voices’ and believes that he is destined to fall in a love with an overweight, much older woman “with challenging feet”. He is therefore only interested in meeting obese females over the age of 65.

Having overcome all his considerable learning difficulties, ‘Cappen’ Jacko Trembath (35) is, by day, a highly qualified and capable gentlemen’s outfitter at Jacobs in Market Jew Street in Penzance. Being something of a fantasist, once he has got home of an evening and has eaten all his tea, he becomes Cappen Trembath – a pirate king.

A gentleman of some considerable charm, he is the epitome of eloquence, once one has got used to the fact that he pronounces all his ‘r’s as ‘l’s and vice versa. Morvah 546 234

Lobwid Dlud (16) is a deckchair attendant at Marazion beach. Despite her young years, she already claims to have a degree in Mathematics from Cambridge University, as well as a Divinity degree from Rosudgeon Polytechnic.

Having lost all sense of proportion in a tiddlywinks competition two years ago, she has now taken to wearing extravagant hats in a vain attempt at compensation.

She claims to have an anatomical ‘deviation’, which she says will make her very popular amongst men, but she won’t say what it is. If you want to find out… phone Marazion 653976

Angel Fuddlewit (25) is a successful post-operative, who now can’t wait to get out there to show off. Angel is an unemployed musketeer living in Paul, where he has founded the West Penwith Musketeers' company, of which he is President, Secretary and sole member.

He remains brightly optimistic that things will soon begin to “look up” on the musketeering front, which he accepts has been “a bit quiet” in recent centuries.

He certainly believes that he will be a much more successful musketeer than would have been possible had he remained a woman, when the only employment he had been able to find was as a junior at Shelley’s Hair & Beauty in St Just.

Now, he is ‘a new man’ and he is looking for a woman to share his life. Paul 764 239

SIR FRED TO LIVE IN HELFORD

Sources close to Sir Fred Goodwin (left) the much-vilified former CEO of the Royal Bank of Scotland, say that he is to move to the village of Helford, on the south-east Lizard peninsula.

Goodwin, probably the most hated man in Britain, is seen by most people as the archetype of the "fat cat" bank bosses who walked away with millions in pensions and bonuses after driving their institutions to the edge of bankruptcy -- and sometimes beyond.

While billions of taxpayers' money were spent in propping up the failing banks, and ordinary bank employees were made redundant or saw their own pension funds halved in value, Sir Fred and his ilk gracefully departed the scene to enjoy a champagne lifestyle.

One has to have some sympathy for Sir Fred, though. It can't be much fun being the most hated man in Britain. Recently his house and car were vandalised. It's rumoured that he's taken to wearing a disguise on the rare occasions that he ventures outside.

So why is Sir Fred moving to Helford (shown on the left)? Our source said that "he wants to live among like-minded people, somewhere where he doesn't feel out of place".

Recently Helford attracted national attention when the so-called "Helford Village Society", which is dominated by second-home owners who rarely visit the village, objected to local fishermen's plans to build a jetty at which to land their catches.

Although plans for the new jetty were approved by the district council almost two years ago -- to the satisfaction of local conservation bodies -- they are on hold because members of the Village Society have forced a judicial review of the council’s decision. It will cost the council a considerable amount of money to put their case and local council tax payers will have to foot the bill.

Our informant is convinced that Sir Fred will feel at home in Helford. He told us: "Fred will probably become a leading light in the Village Society. They're his kind of people. And they'll love him."

Iggy Polglaze, owner of the local shop, is delighted that Sir Fred is moving to the village. "This'll definitely push up the tripper numbers. Everyone 'll want to come an' 'av a go at Sir Fred. We're gettin' in a new line in half-bricks,an' we expect to make a bomb!"

UK POLITICS REVIEW - DEFIANT GORDON INSISTS HE'S GOT BALLS!!

Barely stabilised by the comfort blanket of the trappings of power in Downing Street, Gordon Brown refused to recognise the growing rolling force of the polling figures, which place his Labour Party at its worst ever standing since the days of Keir Hardy.

As the full extent of the woodworm of corruption in Labour’s body politic was revealed, even disgraced Government Ministers have been thinking out loud about life after parliament and politics.

Hazel Blears, who recently failed in her attempt to secure a post with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is now set to bring out a book entitled “Motor Cycle Maintenance on Expenses”, whilst Alisdair Darling (pictured here in one of his eccentric toilet photographs) is also bringing out his own tax guide entitled ‘Capital Gains Tax and Flipping Houses’.

However, it is now believed that Brown has been forced to accept that the time has come to say “farewell Darling”. This will be achieved in a major re-shuffle to be announced later this week.

Despite a failed attempt to lure Archie Trezise (84), bookkeeper for Shelley’s Hair & Beauty at St Just, to be the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, Brown is said to be reasonably content to have to fall back on his No.2 choice, Ed Balls, the 12-year-old short-trousered gofer in the Schools Ministry, to take on the job.

Although Balls (pictured here playing after school with his best mate 'Angela' Burnham) is known to have learning difficulties -- particularly where arithmetic is concerned -- he is very loyal and ‘respectful’, where Brown is concerned, always referring to him as "Sir".

In a desperate attempt to appeal to the country with a re-shuffled government of all the talents to keep himself in a job and in funds, Brown is known to have approached several ‘big names’. His dream cabinet would include “The Lone Ranger’ at the Foreign Office, assisted by ‘Tonto’ (stage name Hughie Green) as Home Secretary, Lassie the Dog as Defence Minister, and Pinkie and Perkie to take on the Health and Education briefs.

Apparently, no one has had the heart to tell poor old Gordy that these dreams are not realisable, because these personages are no more.

However, all is not exactly well in the Tory camp either. The Tory Boy Eton Shadow cabinet (which still practises ‘fagging’) is apparently led by a ‘David Cameron’.

However the Roundup can exclusively reveal that DNA analysis has shown that Cameron is none other than an old - yes, very old - Tory friend.

Underneath the copious make-up, one can clearly see that he is nothing other than Sir Alec Douglas Home. The Tories seem to be serving up warmed-up Old Etonians, behind a two-man diversionary shield of Tubby Pickles and Baldie Hague, in the hope that we will not notice this blatant attempt by ‘the ruling class’ to re-assert their seigneurial rights over the people.

The ‘plausible alternative’ cover of the Liberals was blown by ex-leader Minger Campbell (209), when he claimed on Question Time that non-adherence to the House of Commons rules was explained by the fact that they were ‘just guidance’. New Leader, Click Nugg (17) has been desperate to try to scramble past that dreadful sentence, which wrecked a lifetime in politics for old Minger. Nugg has desperately tried to get to some higher ground, but, alas, all in vain.

Then there are the fringe parties. Foremost amongst these for sheer eccentricity is UKIP, led by fanatic mental patient, ‘nervous’ Nigel Barrage. ‘Nervous’ is kept near stable by the efforts and entire chemical output of Glaxo Smithkline. However, so tenuous is his link to the realms of normal human consciousness that no one but other folk mentally maintained by chemical outputs can be expected to favour him and his odd crew.

The BNP was almost not mentioned at all here following a fatwah to that effect by the Methodist Fundamentalist Bishop of Relubbus, His Proper Job Eminence Ernie Penrose. However, since the Bloody Nazi Party (BNP) will be fielding candidates in the forthcoming elections, we feel that it must be covered.

Since the benighted folk (pictured is the leader they really wish to have) who vote BNP have not noticed that there is no longer a Reichstag, representation within which they are ‘fighting’ for, any idiot who wishes to support them may feel free to do so, although this may not (but probably will) qualify them for residential treatment in a secure home.

This leaves the Green Party, led by the ultra-photogenic Laroline Cukas, who advocates replacing airplanes with hot air balloons. Providing that the balloons are two-person vehicles and that my ‘driver’ will be Laroline, they would get my vote.

But that is all academic, since I am a proud and happy citizen of Spargo’s Relubbus!!

RELUBBUS MAN HAS ANSWER TO TEENAGE PREGNANCY

Local councillor, preacher, soprano soloist, amateur virologist and full-time blacksmith, Hewi Dewi Trethewey (42, Cornish dad, Welsh mum), has come up with some practical ideas to help combat the wave of teenage pregnancy that has swept Relubbus along with the rest of the developed world.

Hewi, of Mary Whitehouse Cottage in Bram Lane, Relubbus, is pictured on the left. He is an ordinary man, who describes himself as “just an ordinary man”.

However, he is convinced that there are severe limits to the results that can be achieved in managing soaring teenage pregnancy rates by education and advice alone.

Accordingly, he has spent months developing his “Virginity Suit”, which he believes should be compulsory 24-hour-a-day wear for all young people between the ages of 11 and 21.

It comes with breathing apparatus and, given the weight of the metal and the need for reinforced security in what Trethewey coyly terms ‘the trouser region’, the suit is reasonably flexible, allowing almost 65% of normal body movements.

The paramount aim in the design of the suit is to render completely impossible any bodily contact between the wearer and any other young person -- or indeed anyone or anything dead or alive.

The suit, once donned, cannot be removed except by Mr Trethewey himself. To cater for the long period of usage (10 years for any 11 year old) each suit is made in the same large size to cater for growth.

Hygiene has also been a powerful consideration in the design and the suit contains an ingenious series of one-way valves to permit ‘flush-down’, so as ‘to keep things clean inside’.

Trethewey proposes that the State purchases one of these suits for everyone between the ages of 11 and 21 and argues that there are powerful economic as well as moral reasons for the wearing of such suits.

Whilst those with an underdeveloped appreciation of economics might see the end of the story in Mr Trethewey’s netting around £200 million for 400,000 of his suits at £500 a go, the more far-sighted would also see huge savings in no longer having to deal with the social havoc that results from teenage pregnancies.

The authoritative and internationally respected Relubbus Office For Doin' ‘Ard Sums (ROFDAS) has calculated the cost of this scourge of society at £300 million each year. Whilst this may be a conclusive argument in itself, Mr Trethewey also adds that the savings to families in the cost of clothes and soap for the ‘children’ during their suit-wearing growing period will be enormous.

The Trethewey proposal is to come before a full meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council next Tuesday evening. Mr Trethewey, who, at his own expense, has put on a pasty supper for all the Councillors that evening, is hopeful of a positive outcome.