Professor Tristan Tremethick (87) President of the Relubbus Institute for the Study of Democracy and Contemporary Society has spoken out in damning terms about the introduction 
of the Unitary Authority in Cornwall.
He describes the advent of the Authority as “another sorry milestone step down the sad trail of the complete disappearance of Cornish identity”.
Tremethick, a Prospidnick-born academic of deservedly high international repute, has always been noted in the past for the moderate expression of his globally valued points of view.
However, now he says, ”I am too old to bother to dress my views in the decent clothing of moderate speech. The time for that is, passed.
Now it is time for those views to be seen naked and nude – for them to be heard loud and clear, for I sound the bell of the very disappearance of the Cornish! Kevin Lavery heralds Cornwall’s slavery”.
Tremethick condemns the coming of the authority and turns the full power of his formidable analytical and prophetic mind to where its introduction will lead us.
He avers that others apart from the Cornish population (who voted clearly for retention of the district councils) have determined that the population of Cornwall does not need to be heard. Those others have also determined that the needs of Cornwall can be better met by just one council.
So, he concludes, the will of the Cornish people was ignored. So, he finds, there was no democracy in this big decision. Where the will of the people is ignored, you have dictatorship. Where you have the voiceless governed by dictators, you have slavery.
He further points out that not only does this new governmental arrangement lack democratic foundation, it also lacks functional effectiveness. The Council becomes physically far more remote from the people it “serves”.
The Roundup has taken the lead from Professor Tremethick and asked the new Council whether it is not more remote from the people of Cornwall than were the District Councils, which made district administration answerable to the people of the district.
The new Unitary Authority has declared that this remoteness will simply not occur.
Its new spokesman (pictured left) I M Sawson (42) imported from Buckinghamshire on a salary of £80,000 stated, “We are going to introduce a 24 hour call centre to deal with any queries anyone may have about any of the workings of the new council. Their calls will naturally be very important to us.”
When pressed several times to reveal in which part of Cornwall the call centre would be, the small-voiced response came back from Mr Sawson that the call centre was being set up in Bangalore in India ‘to save Cornish people money’.
All two of the staff at the call centre (pictured left) would be fully trained in the ways of the Cornish, Mr Sawson assured us.
Asked whether the calls would cost any more than a local call, Mr Sawson snorted and laughed derisively, pointing out that a call to India could hardly be classed as a local call.
He stated that calls would be charged at no more than £2.37 per minute and that keeping waiting times below 20 minutes would be a high priority during the first five years of operation. He further added that the Council was fully aware that some people in Cornwall would like to speak a language other than English and gleefully pointed out that now they could try out their Hindi.
For his part, Professor Tremethick sees further dark developments following on from the introduction of the Unitary authority. He says
“When the nationhood of Cornwall is ignored in this manner, it will only be a matter of time until Cornwall is subsumed into a greater Corn-Devonwall in the interests of containing costs and of providing a better service to the consumer. The Council would then be located in Exeter.
Thereafter, it is a matter of yet a little more time and then we shall even see Corn-Devonwall subsumed into a yet greater unit called Swengland to be ruled from Bristol.”
Tremethick states that no one can stop this inevitable outcome – no one, that is, except the people of Cornwall, if they develop a strong enough will and a loud enough voice.
TREMETHICK BLASTS UNITARY AUTHORITY! ROUNDUP UNCOVERS SAD TRUTH ABOUT CALL CENTRE!!
DUCHY'S SURPRISE UNDERGROUND RAIL NETWORK FOR CORNWALL!!
Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.
The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.
The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.
The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.
According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”
A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.
Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.
Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.
This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.
A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.
Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.
Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):
Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!
Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””
Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”
Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!
RELUBBUS SINGLES - LOOKING FOR LOVE!
Ernie Penrose (29) is an ice-cream salesman from Newbridge. He says that one of the reasons 
that he hasn’t yet found love is the showbiz nature of his job, which makes all girls – of all ages - fall for him.
“I only have to park up the van and queues of people form up and there are always girls there. I jes’ kent choose between all they maids!” He is hoping that this quiet advert - away from the showbiz razzamatazz that goes with ice cream sales - will allow girls to see him as he really is.
“ I duh look jes’ like Richard Armitage and that should pull’em in”, he says.
Ernie can be reached on Newbridge 4721.
Avril Kernaverell (32) formerly Sister Tregavarah of the Nancledra branch of the Methodist Fundamentalists Nunnery Co-operative has left her closed order and is now working in Penzance as a parking attendant – with a twist.
The owners of offending cars are cursed and the bodywork is sprayed with strong sulphuric acid, whilst those properly parked are blessed with holy water from Madron well and the windscreens receive a very large gold star painted in indelible ink.
Avril has yet to develop many normal interests, but she is keen to meet any man, who would share her passion for Arthur Scargill’s socialist poetry, in particular his magnum opus, ‘Let us recount the 3,963 ways towards socialist realism’.
Avril can be reached on Nancledra 4526.
Tedney Prank (34) is a car mechanic from Goldsithney, who likes to describe himself as a ‘sporty kind of guy’. He has been out with a girl once before, one Kylie Penrose on 7th June 1991. Things didn’t work out well that evening.
However, Kylie dropped all proceedings and Tedney threw himself into sport.
After years of hard training, he is now the undisputed Penwith and Kerrier equestrian table tennis champion as well as being ranked sixth in the all-Cornwall toe-wrestling championship. Tedney collects sweet wrappers and ice lolly sticks and has some that date back to when he was just five, when he started his collection.
Tedney wants to found a Prank dynasty and he is now looking for a young lady (“though definitely NOT one called Kylie!”) with whom he can build his future
Tedney can be reached on Goldsithney 5922
Edna Poldavock (24) is an artist living at Gurnards Head. She is passionate about all forms of art and seeks “to push out the boundaries” and has enjoyed mixed success in so doing.
Her Sandung sculptures (fashioned from a mixture of dung and sand) were a brave, but forlorn, attempt to add the sense of smell to the more usual exploration of sight and texture in artistic appreciation. However, her solo nude dance interpretations of Tchaikovsky were an absolute sell-out.
She would not like to meet a young and artistically inclined man to help her explore the possibilities of artistic expression.
Edna can be contacted on Gurnards Head 3385.
Brenda Pollock (26) from Tregeseal is a lead stylist at the famed Shelley’s hair and Beauty in St Just.
Brenda is a ‘work hard play hard’ girl.
Her idols are Gene Pitney, Roy Orbison and Frankie Avalon and ideally she would like children from them all.
Her favourite TV programmes are Dr Finlay’s Casebook, The Morecambe and Wise Show and Secombe and Friends.
Brenda would love to meet a real man (“likes his beer and does his own roll-ups!”) with whom she can share a ‘Carry-on’ kind of life.
Brenda can be reached on Tregeseal 4593 (“but you’ll have to talk to my dad before you get me!”)
‘Billy’ does not give his age. He lives in a field, but can be very friendly if he is with the right sort of man.
He gets on well with most, but does not like it if people refer to him as a ‘goat’. Billy is interested in different types of grass and closely follows the weather. He absolutely HATES dogs.
He would like to explore his ‘inner self’ and would like to meet like-minded men. Billy is not on the ‘phone but can be found in Pedn Diag field at Tremethick.
THE SAGE OF SENNEN SPEAKS
Tens of thousands of happy holidaymakers visit Sennen beach each year. They are entranced by 
its sparkling, shimmering beauty and, as they relax and play on its pure white sands, the cares of daily life simply slip away from their consciousness.
As they frolic in the sea or just lie there letting the sun gently tan their revealed adiposity, little do they realise that they are within a mere hundred yards or so of one of the greatest sages to walk this earth, former postman A.C.D.C. “Jimmy” Jago (103).
Since taking early retirement from the Post Office at just 28 years of age, Jimmy has not moved from the sumptuously appointed beach hut he built himself all those decades ago. In his seclusion, he has devoted himself entirely to scaling the heights and plunging the depths of philosophical contemplations and exploration.
Naturally, the great and the good have sought his counsel and over the years Mohandas Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, the great Billy Spargo himself and a host of other luminaries have taken the well-trodden path to his door.
The Duke of Cornwall, Seine Königliche Hoheit Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha together with his old flame and new wife Kamillentee, and accompanied by his interpreter Matthias Wolfenbüttel, even has a regular monthly meeting with Jimmy to seek his advice on matters as 
diverse as architecture, growing cabbages as well as the royal predilection for wearing skirts.
So successful has Jimmy been in counselling on this delicate matter that Karl is now happy to be seen wearing his skirts in public. This newly found freedom has done wonders for the royal marriage, as can be seen from the accompanying happy snap.
The Roundup has visited Jimmy in his hut – or ‘hutment’ as he prefers to call it - to seek his 
views on the matters of the day. The Sage is pictured on the left wearing the typically cheerful and friendly mien, which reflects the still oceans of inner calm within. For those who do not know him, the Sage speaks only in verse.
Roundup: Your Eminence, do you have any comment on the recent political goings-on in the neighbouring UK?
Jago: The sky grows dark, as does the sea
‘T’is the black black influence of the BNP.
Led by a gryphon and followed by mules
The Bleddy Nazi Party are dangerous fools.
Roundup: Thank you for that insight, Your Holiness. Do you have any comment on the shenanigans in Westminster?
Jago: Drunk on power, but blind with fear
Gordon’s end is very near.
MPs feast on lush expenses
Too far now for mending fences.
London’s power now drains anew
To Edinburgh, Cardiff and Truro too.
Relubbus now will seize the day
And lead the world in Spargo’s way!
At this point, the penetrating pungent smell of home-made goat and nettle soup began wafting in from the cavernous kitchens at the back of the hut, indicating that it was time for the great man’s daily meal.
Bowing low, we reversed from the presence with repeated outpourings of grateful thanks and emerged, much refreshed, once more in the world of ordinary man.
ANNOUNCEMENT AND CLASSIFIEDS
ANNOUNCEMENT
Following refurbishment of the Pope’s Vatican apartments, his old toilet and seat (with Papal insignia) are available for sale to the public by auction at Polkinghorne’s in Boswedden Lane.
The sale will include 13 and a half rolls of UNUSED papal toilet paper. Reserve price of £7,500 will apply.
Classifieds
Breeder of 'elephant' giant dormice offers top quality manure from ‘his little boys’. Delivered by the ton. St Buryan 456723
14,500 remaindered copies of “Knocking on doors” by Hazel Blears. £5 for job lot. Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123
Jacqui Smith’s husband’s entire DVD film collection bundled together for just £25 (NOT FOR SALE TO MINORS!!) –includes the Peruvian classic “And afterwards, you can even eat the guinea pig!!” Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123
Entire hardback print run of Gordon Brown’s “Loosen up and live a little” – all 10,000 signed by the author – available for just £3.75 the lot. Wakfer’s of New Bridge 349123
Genuine Cornish ‘Landshark’ motor car to be made available for private sale.
Features include lino floor and driver’s seat in black plastique, windable driver’s window provides air conditioning; rear seat toilet bucket with handle for easy removal ; stool for front passenger with ‘hold-on’ straps for added security; ‘Lid’ cover for boot with completely new piece of string to secure your transportables. Features the classic one stroke engine permitting speeds in excess of 13 mph!!! A true collector’s item and appropriately priced at £44,535. Morvah 567 892
Complete set of left-handed paint brushes 0nly £75 – would suit ginger-haired homosexual living in Tregeseal or, possibly, Newbridge. Paul 678 432
22 year old unpleasant rude little tart with weight control problem, now working at the Morvah pet shop, but can’t wait to get away from the owner, Mr Pubes. Desperate for new career path in either old people care or prostitution. Heamoor 982 345
Vintage (1950s) pram for sale at just £700. Has been completely refurbished and updated for security. Razor blades embedded all around the edges to discourage baby-snatchers. Electrified handles, so rubber gloves (extra at £16.50) are essential. Gurnards Head 456 795
Ladies' Bodice (size 34) in pink and black leatherette. Never been washed and with bitemarks skilfully concealed by invisible mending. Casual stains are a work of unconscious art. Ludgvan 563923
LONELY HEARTS OF WEST PENWITH
Put on this world by the power above
We are destined here to seek out love.
But, if you’ve knocked in vain at love’s bright door
Choose from these ads and knock no more!
We are pleased to be able to post details of those who are looking for love in West Penwith, knowing that we are helping love’s echo to find its way home by bringing you together.
Sister Demelza (31), who achieved fame by becoming top goal scorer in the West Penwith 
Methodist Nuns’ football league (2nd Division) has decided that it is time to call ‘Dun Nunning’ and to re-enter the secular world, find a man and have kiddies.
Having belonged to the most liberal wing of Methodist Nuns, Demelza is not entirely foreign to the ways of the world, having worked part time at the St Buryan Inn as a barmaid and ‘private’ lap dancer.
Demelza states that “I have kept myself for my husband and would now like him to step forward - but I want a man who can dribble better than me!” Apply through Mother Superior at the St Buryan Methodist Nunnery on 674 302.
Dick “Gloria” Penhallow (31) is a gas fitter and something of a loner from Heamoor. Dick has 
had a string of unsatisfactory relationships, but insists that guinea pigs are now very firmly part of his past.
He would like to meet a young woman who will be prepared to provide him with practical help on nights out, which he would like to enjoy as “Gloria”, sharing gossip, giggles and girly tips on make-up, nail polish, shoes and the like.
When not Gloria, Dick is a man’s man. Most evenings he comes into town at around 7.00 pm and chooses to drink at the White Hart Inn in Mount Street until closing time, consuming on average 7 pints a night. Whilst ideally seeking a girly friend for Gloria, Dick will be happy to meet anyone who would be prepared to spend some time with him or Gloria. Heamoor 678 345
Gladys Punge (28) is a Primary School teacher from Rosudgeon. Gladys is a fan of traditional 
jazz, a keen member of her local WI, and loves baking special cakes for her pet crocodile.
Absolutely devoted to her job, she cannot envisage stopping to have children of her own, “As I’ve got 30 children of my own already – every year!”
A gifted clarinettist, she is a member of the Prah Sands underwater wind orchestra. Gladys has been affianced on three previous occasions, but unfortunately all three young men died in unfortunate drownings off Prah Sands, whilst out swimming with Gladys. Rosudgeon 764 357
Lorenzo Colenso (25, formerly Tommy Trevains) is a unisex toenail pedicurist from Morvah, where he runs three toenail salons catering for both male and female members of the local farming community.
Lorenzo hears ‘voices’ and believes that he is destined to fall in a love with an overweight, much older woman “with challenging feet”. He is therefore only interested in meeting obese females over the age of 65.
Having overcome all his considerable learning difficulties, ‘Cappen’ Jacko Trembath (35) is, by 
day, a highly qualified and capable gentlemen’s outfitter at Jacobs in Market Jew Street in Penzance. Being something of a fantasist, once he has got home of an evening and has eaten all his tea, he becomes Cappen Trembath – a pirate king.
A gentleman of some considerable charm, he is the epitome of eloquence, once one has got used to the fact that he pronounces all his ‘r’s as ‘l’s and vice versa. Morvah 546 234
Lobwid Dlud (16) is a deckchair attendant at Marazion beach. Despite her young years, she already claims to have a degree in Mathematics from Cambridge University, as well as a Divinity degree from Rosudgeon Polytechnic.
Having lost all sense of proportion in a tiddlywinks competition two years ago, she has now taken to wearing extravagant hats in a vain attempt at compensation.
She claims to have an anatomical ‘deviation’, which she says will make her very popular amongst men, but she won’t say what it is. If you want to find out… phone Marazion 653976
Angel Fuddlewit (25) is a successful post-operative, who now can’t wait to get out there to 
show off. Angel is an unemployed musketeer living in Paul, where he has founded the West Penwith Musketeers' company, of which he is President, Secretary and sole member.
He remains brightly optimistic that things will soon begin to “look up” on the musketeering front, which he accepts has been “a bit quiet” in recent centuries.
He certainly believes that he will be a much more successful musketeer than would have been possible had he remained a woman, when the only employment he had been able to find was as a junior at Shelley’s Hair & Beauty in St Just.
Now, he is ‘a new man’ and he is looking for a woman to share his life. Paul 764 239
