SMALL ADS
Home-made breast milk pump, in polished walnut finish, adjustable to fit like a glove – mains powered, but works well off car battery when out and about. At just £79.99 this is a bargain for such workmanship. Box 4567
Four East German electric plugs – just 17 pence each!! Box 5821
Size 24 basque in plastique and leatherette with Leopard skin effect. Buy this for her and watch her become a wild cat!! Just £35. Box 5209
Breeding pair of fighting budgies (“Budge and Smudge”) from Pendeen. This pair has produced a long line of champions in the West Penwith Killer Budgie competition. Old age and ill health oblige owner to reluctantly part with these two – for bargain price of just £12,500. Box 6721
Consignment of 600 Rumanian toothbrushes made with real hedgehog prickles. This is a truly unusual and, in Cornwall, unique acquisition possibility. £10 the lot. Box 4598
Three gent’s trouser belts in brown leather to suit waist size 58”. Buckle gone on two of them so all three available at special reduced price of only £14.50. Box 6923
Mahogony spittoon – never been emptied - an adornment for any home. £7.50. Box 2397
Cigarette (and cigar) butts thrown away by the stars and the famous. Unique collection lovingly gathered over the years by avid collector (my uncle – now deceased). Collection includes exhibits from Churchill, the Queen, Adolf Hitler, Caesar Augustus, Marilyn Monroe, Chiang Kai Shek, Dave Allen, King Henry VII, William the Conqueror and Sooty. £23,000. Box 4571
Fifteenth Century Television set. Looks very old and an adornment and talking point for any home. £2,300. Box 4923
Ladies never be caught short again! Special ‘weak bladder’ ladies’ handbag. Home-made for my wife. Now she is sadly gone and some other lady with wetting problems can benefit. Willy P. Box 6109
LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS
Pendrewartha’s for swimming pool maintenance, cesspool emptying and septic tank clearance. Don’t worry, we do change the hoses according to the job we are doing!!!
Tel Nancledra 459873
PC problems? We can help you out. Fast and friendly service with no call out charge. Just call Nigel and Kevin at the Mousehole Nude PC surgery. £29 per hour. 15% discount for nudists. Tel Mousehole 567832.
Say Goodbye to Accounting headaches! Call Narcus Prig at Newlyn Abacus and SlideRule and “we’ll turn they losses into profits!” £400 per hour. Tel Newlyn 459285
Trendy Wendy the trouser specialist. “ I’ll take them in, let them down and patch them up!” My ‘While you wait’ service is famous throughout St Just, particularly with the over eighties. Now offering exclusive washing and pressing service whilst you are wearing the clothes!! Tel St Just 509345
Pssst! Can you smell ‘Old people’? If you have old people living with you, then relax, because they don’t need to smell. Just send them to ‘Clemo’s Caustic Washing’ and they’ll never smell bad again. Same process available for use in ‘final preparation’ at any good undertaker’s. Tel Tremethick Cross 927574
Does you wife talk too much? Is life just a nag, nag, nag? Just buy Qwenty Penhaligon’s Hypnosis kit for £25 and you can stop her talking – whenever you like. Just one of the bargains available at Hendra’s Home Improvements Tel Penzance 673412
Never buy a carpet again! Jimmy Jago ‘the Tarmac man' will tarmac the inside of your home. Standard large (11ft by 6ft) front room only £500. This is a one-off cost as you will never need buy a carpet again!! Using special ‘blast-on’ technique, I can also cover your walls and ceilings, so you need never paint again!! Tel Heamoor 582301
Ladies! Relax in the unusual comfort of wicker basket ware lingerie – made and fitted for you by master Wicker-Weaver Madron Trembath. Tel Nanjizel 678423
False teeth handcrafted for you from Balsa wood – be the envy of all your friends! Available in waxed, lacquered or ‘natural’ finish. From Andrewartha’s 'Ardware Tel Botallack 657234
SMALL ADS AND LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS
IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN RELUBBUS!!
The Roundup today breaks the story of the very first human being to change from a man – into a woman – and then back to a man again!!
This is the fantastic, but true, story of one Chris Bolitho – he/she kept the same name throughout the transformations so as not to inconvenience Chris’s employers, “Dust to Dust” the Nancledra-based vacuum-packing “no smells” undertakers.
Born in Tregeseal, near metropolitan St Just in the early 1950s, Chris was a normal schoolboy with an abnormal requirement and capacity for smoking cigarettes. At just 13 years of age, he was getting through 3 packs of PLAYERS Weights a day.
After some four years, when Chris had just started work as a ‘washer’ at the above-named firm of undertakers, his mother realised that this heavy smoking was not normal behaviour and took him to see the GP, Dr Behenna, to seek medical guidance.
Dr Behenna (112) had long been a man seeking to ‘explore his feminine side ‘ and he had discovered, in a kitchen accident, that inhaling Maggie Fountain’s old Mediterranean Pancake mixture had greatly helped him enhance his feminine side. He had also noticed that his appetite for smoking had completely disappeared after just three weeks of taking the mixture once every two days.
He therefore had no hesitation in recommending that young Chris start taking the same mixture – three times a day until further notice - to put an end to the smoking habit.
However, since Dr Behenna was fatally hit by the Marazion bus only the following day, there was no ‘further notice’ and consequently no halt to the thrice daily ingestion of the magic mixture.
After just three months, Chris was a confirmed non-smoker. However, the treatment had brought about only a partial success, because he had also completely changed sex – without any surgical intervention whatever. Male Chris had become female Chris – as pictured left.
Pronounced character and personality changes accompanied this astounding sex change.
The young male Chris was a retiring young man, who was content with his own company, who adored his Hornby train set and for whom relaxation meant retiring to his room with a good stock of cigarettes and just playing with himself.
The new female Chris was foul-mouthed, flatulent and ‘liked men’ – a lot. After a bewildering amount of alcohol, some of them even liked her. She soon acquired the name of the ‘Tregeseal Bike’. She had three children in rapid succession and also took up heavy drinking as a hobby.
After the third child, the drinking had become so bad that her mother carted her off to see the new GP, Dr Penhallow. Given the nature of Chris’s problem, Dr Penhallow was just the right person to see.
Dr Loveday Penhallow (39) had long fought with the demon drink. After trying the orthodox and the unorthodox, she had eventually had some success with Will Trembath’s Particular Elixir. Taken ONLY twice a month, it had completely eradicated Dr Penhallow’s unfortunate reliance on drink. Unfortunately, it had also caused the doctor to grow a willy as well.
However such was the astonishing success with eradication of reliance on alcohol that the doctor had no hesitation in recommending the Particular Elixir to Chris.
Chris was too drunk to hear what the doctor was saying. Sadly the batteries in Chris’s mum’s hearing aid were gone and so she completely misunderstood the doctor’s instructions, understanding “take the potion 5 times a day”, instead of 5 times a month.
Within a month, all of Chris’s feminine bits had simply disappeared – to be replaced by a willy again. Unfortunately the trauma of all the changes caused Chris to suffer from anxiety and he found that he could only escape form it by smoking PLAYERS Weights.
Chris (shown here in a recent picture) died last week from lung cancer. In his will, he asked that the Roundup publish his remarkable story.
We do so today - with pride at being selected to release this world-first unique story.
SWINE FLU NO PROBLEM FOR THE PROPER CORNISH!!
Professor Monty Tremeglos has developed a geographically-specific solution to the 
swine flu pandemic, which means that the good people of Relubbus can heave a sigh of relief as the rest of the world mutely bows its head to this potent variant of the annual killer.
In a revolutionary development, Tremeglos has pioneered a vaccine, drawn from a combination of substances found all over Cornwall, which will completely neutralise pandemic H1N1.
However, it is also true that the vaccine will only work within a specific geographical area – as 
illustrated in RED on the left . Whilst the vaccine will be found to be particularly efficacious in Greater Relubbus, Professor Tremeglos believes that it will be ‘strong enough’ all the way up as far as the Tamar. On the other side of the Tamar – in fact just over the other side of the bridge – it will sadly have few, if any, beneficial effects.
The ingredients of the vaccine are said to be distilled from mineral, animal and human elements from all over Cornwall. People walking along the lane past the Professor’s backhouse (or ‘outside toilet’ for those unfamiliar with the expression) have heard him intoning strange words in the manner of some obscure magical incantation: “Eye of toad and tongue of cat, tail of badger, nose of bat.”
However, the good Professor has refused to be drawn on the nature of any of the ingredients -- except to say that neither human nor animal was harmed in the production of the vaccine, apart from a bad scratch on the arm of one of his assistants, who had failed to properly anaesthetise a cat before milking it.
Another astounding fact about the workings of the vaccine that has emerged in trials, is that it will only have a beneficial effect on people who are born in Cornwall of Cornish parents and with wholly Cornish grandparents on both sides.
Mr Archibald Lutey (31) (shown left) of Bramangath Avenue in Relubbus caught swine flu at the same time as his wife Tamsin (30).
When both caught swine flu, they volunteered to be part of Professor Tremeglos’s extensive testing programme. This produced astounding results.
In wholly-Cornish Mr Archibald Lutey’s case, a full recovery was made.
However, 
in the sad case of poor Mrs Lutey (pictured left before the illness - you will note that she and her husband shared the same dentist!) there was a different outcome.
Her grandmother had the misfortune to have been born across the border in Plymouth (“visiting my enty, who was took bad fer a few weeks”) and this has been shown to have had an enormous impact on her "Cornishness' and, consequently, on the efficacy of the vaccine in her case.
Whilst the worst ravages of the pandemic have been avoided so as to preserve her life, she has been left forever bearing the obvious scars of having had swine flu, as the picture on the left displays.
The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) and the Cornwall Council have combined forces so as to make Professor Tremeglos’s vaccine available to everyone in Cornwall, with the notable exception of those living in the dark depths of the People’s Republic of Hayle.
Meanwhile the rest of the world looks on enviously….and the Roundup will report further.
AFFORDABLE HOUSING FOR THE CORNISH
In a extraordinary piece of "blue sky thinking", Danish architect Per Simmon believes he has hit on a revolutionary way to solve the chronic housing shortage in Cornwall.
It is well known that a variety of toxic factors -- for example, the purchase of second homes and holiday homes by absentee owners, massive immigration by wealthy retirees from more prosperous areas of the country, and the sale of communal housing stock (a significant proportion of it now resold to well-heeled incomers) -- has meant that a large section of the local population struggles to put a roof over its head.
To solve the problem, Per Simmon has designed what he calls a "traditional stone bungalow" that will be cheap to construct and affordable even by people on depressed Cornish wages.
Said to be based on traditional 18th century "2 up, 2 down" miners' cottages, the "Fogou" is in fact a "0 up, 1 down" design. Its designer claims that it is very environmentally friendly, being built entirely of locally-sourced materials -- granite, wood, moss and mud -- and using no oil, electricity, or gas for heating (there is none).
Per Simmon's backers propose to build two estates, each consisting of 100,000 Fogou dwellings, near Helford, in south Cornwall, and Rock, in north Cornwall.
The new houses will be built by local craftsmen using traditional skills that have been employed in the region for millenia.
Coming as it does hot on the heels of similar plans by Trewern Builders to build affordable ecohomes for rent or sale to local people, this proposal is good news indeed.
The Roundup applauds this initiative as an imaginative attempt to fix a long-standing social problem. Well done, Per!
BIG FORTHCOMING VILE EVENT!
The RELUBBUS PANOPTICON theatre is proud to be able to present a two year season of CURT VILE and his 500 strong Kazoo orchestra.
The performances will take place 6 times a day non-stop for the next 730 days (with extra performances over Christmas, New Year and Bank Holidays!!).
Although the PANOPTICON seats 20,000 people at a time, you are advised to book now early so as to avoid disappointment.
Curt, pictured here on the left at the start of his prolific career only 85 years ago, will be conducting all of the shows AND singing all of the songs, which are, of course, his own compositions.
These are just some of the old favourites he will be singing for you:
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I’ve got the time, I’ve got the place, but it’s hard to find the girl, Olivia!
My wife’s friend’s sister’s old blue hat
Just pass me that bucket right now!
What I wouldn’t do - for a woman just like you
My tiepin fell down through the plughole in the sink
And afterwards I shake it three times gently
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Seats - Stalls £150 Circle £250 Dress Circle £450
Curt Vile playing old favourites for the young at heart!!
Concerts sponsored by RELUBBUS AIRWAYS
ADVERTISEMENT
RELUBBUS AIRWAYS OFFERS 1 MILLION SEATS FOR JUST £1 ONE WAY!!!!
Air Travel Crisis? What Air Travel Crisis??!! Ryanair – eat your heart out!!
Yes, the next 1 million seats will be sold for just £1 ONE WAY**
RELUBBUS AIRWAYS with its fleet of 10,000 2 seater bi-planes – each manned by a fully-trained pilot and a nurse/stewardess (like the dream craft pictured left) fly all over the world from RELUBBUS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT and are waiting to whisk you away on the flight of your dreams!
Remember, we fly at heights of up to 1,000 feet in all weathers and so passengers are requested to wear a warm coat, gloves and hat with strap.
Lavish in flight refreshments (a sealed flask of hot BOVRIL and two Jacobs Cream Crackers) are served by our stewardess to each of the two passengers.
For longer flights, such as those to Australia, additional crackers may be made available.
These reduced flights will soon go, so don’t delay, book today!!!!
**Flights back home should be booked with the cheap £1 outward flight to avoid the 750,000% surcharge. Without surcharge, flight back from Newquay just £345, from Paris £12,567 and from Canberra £69,500.
ECOHOMES – GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS!
The Roundup has been investigating the recent proposals for the construction of thousands of ecohomes in Cornwall, a place long plagued with a chronic shortage of housing.
One proposal foresees the building of over 5,000 homes in the St Austell area over a period from 2012 -2025. It is envisaged that some 40-50 percent will be what is described as “affordable”.
The company behind the proposal, Twiddle and Snatchit, (whose plush Paris headquarters are 
pictured left) were reluctant to disclose what this questionable term ‘affordable’ meant.
When the Roundup, for the fortieth time and using thumbscrews for good measure, pressed their spokesman for a reportable response, he eventually confessed that it would mean that it would be affordable to a hard-working family, provided that both parents were doctors of consultant status.
The 50% to 60% of new homes not designated as “affordable” would apparently be beyond the economic reach of the above-described hard-working family, even with the two consultants working round the clock.
This frankly lunatic proposal takes no account of the immediate need such housing creates for a supportive infrastructure of health provision, education support, employment prospects and transport connections.
Fortunately this is not the only proposal. Trewern Builders Limited are targeting the local population with the offer of very affordable homes for locals in small developments near existing towns and hamlets with access to the necessary supporting infrastructure.
The homes will be available to rent, so says owner Madron Trewern for a weekly sum of only ‘Thirty bob a week”. Houses will also be available for sale at a cost of £4,500, with 120% mortgages available from Trewern Builders Limited.
These special houses will only be available to good folk of Cornish ‘extraction or inclination’, who work in Cornwall or who are looking for work in Cornwall and who are earning at or below the LOCAL average wage.
Mr Trewern, a respected Relubbus businessman of considerable personal wealth, is believed to be making this offer to encourage other wealthy Cornish names to provide similar support to the people of the land.
The environmental credentials of these houses are impeccably high. They draw all power and heat from the soil, the sun and the wind. Their water is from the rain and is recycled. All waste can be is recycled.
It has now come to our attention that the Duke and Duchess of Cornwall, who have recently been shamed by the exposure of their huge environmental footprint, have decided to sell up all their other housing and to move to an ordinary Trewern home in Camborne. The Duke and Duchess are also said to be realising almost their entire wealth and putting the cash into the Trewern scheme to provide affordable homes for Cornish people.
With the hand-wringing so typical of the Duke, he recently confessed to our reporter ("over a mug of tea, just like working people!") that he hoped that this action would restore his standing with the good people of Cornwall, whose support he intended henceforth to earn.
It is understood that the Duke will be taking up a job as a janitor and groundsman at a local school, whilst his wife, the Duchess will be delivering ‘Meals on Wheels’.
