Eliza Polkinghorne (92), the maverick part-time inventor from Tregeseal, has pulled off yet another coup with her latest invention -- the Nuclear Hoover.
This amazing machine doesn't just 'suck up' the dust, it vaporises anything, or indeed anyone, you point it at.
Pictured here on the left, cackling contentedly next to her devilish invention, Eliza manages to stun the scientific world with her recognition and then mastery of laws of physics others have yet to grasp.
The beauty of the device is that it requires no external power source. It is started by hand cranking, which gives rise to subsequent accelerative processes, which swiftly result in beam temperatures of in excess of 3 million degrees Celsius -- hence the vaporisation of all in its path. As Eliza herself says, "You gotta wear gloves when you duh work the thing or you might do yourself sum 'arm!".
Another reason for wearing a stout pair of gloves is the reliance of the device on roughly four pounds of nuclear waste "per burn", as Eliza says, adding, "You dowanna get non' o' that stuff on your 'ands, but you 'ave got to pour un in and stir un up a bit. I duh always use marigolds! First time I used ov un, I didn' wear no gloves. I made pasties afterwards and they pasties was glowin'!"
The device is also quite light to push around, Eliza herself no longer being very strong and only having the one arm free because of her stick.
Although Eliza designed this "Hoover" as a housewives' help to get rid of stubborn dirt, its effectiveness in obliterating all in its path means that she is now besieged with approaches from armed forces from around the world, eager to add this "housewives help" to their arsenal. Its effectiveness in battle has already been conclusively tested by the Relubbus riot police in their engagement with rabble at the disputed Hayle border.
Ernie Upton O'Good, Defence Correspondent
MAVERICK TREGESEAL INVENTOR DOES IT AGAIN!
NEW ZOO PROPOSED UP TRENGWAINTON
By our local Trengwainton correspondent, Horton Tregarthen
Following the successful planning application to site 20,000 caravans on St. Michael's Mount, the Cornish National Trust Committee 'ave now instructed its local property managers to come up with modernisation plans to increase the number of visitors at Trengwainton Gardens. At present there are more 'volunteer' stewards than there are visitors.
The National Trust committee for Heamoor 'ave today left on a week long business trip to meet Billy Spargo, the top Relubbus consultant on zoo design and animal care.
These 365 locally elected residents in the Trengwainton Gardens area (under the leadership of vocal local yokel, Tommy Botheras) feel that unless they duh bring in some new ideas then the attraction of viewing plain-looking plants will cease and people aren't goin' to come in. ("I aren't, for starters!", said Mr Botheras.)
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo has instructed that the 365 Heamoor residents be accommodated in the luxurious (one bathroom on each floor and as much toilet paper as you can use!) 1000 room Relubbus Hilton hotel.
The Committee's initial thoughts are that visits should be "a bit spiced up" by letting loose some 50 lions and 5,000 poisonous snakes in the grounds so that the visitors are guaranteed excitement.
Mr Botheras commented hopefully "Billy Spargo duh reckon that he duh knaw someone down to Goldsithney who duh 'ave 20 Bengal tigers in 'is garden, and ee's going down to chat 'im up to see if they can be put up Trengwainton".
Local Land Agent for the Trust at Trengwainton, Mr Jimmy Von Ribbentrop (whose Uncle Joachim -- shown on the left -- was a regular visitor to the Gardens, before he got strung up at Nuremberg), duh reckon that the membership will grow once the word gets around. He duh think that it will be particularly attractive to the Battlefield residents of Penzance when they duh knaw that they can hand feed real wild animals when taking their dogs out for a walk.
Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, the local reporter monitoring the proposed development, has been heard to say that her Uncle Billy from over to Relubbus is "sum bleddy excited" about the scheme, "even after they NT buggers done the dirty on the Council with caravans at St. Michael's Mount".
GYMKHANA WINNER -- A FRAUD!
Ripples of surprise, then dismay, then shock, disturbed the habitual calm of the Relubbus Gymkhana world when the 13-year-old winner of the hunt seat equitation (13-15 year olds), Lucinda Trumpton-Biggsley-Thorpe, on her pony, Trollope, was revealed to be none other than 60-year-old public convenience maintenance operative, Horton Trembath, riding his "favourite four-legger" Alfonso (pictured above).
Simply by wearing a sou'wester and speaking in a (now obviously) suspiciously high-pitched voice, Horton managed to convince the judges that he was a 13-year-old girl. Perhaps even more difficult to explain is the fact that the judges failed to observe that Horton's mount owed a lot more to bovine then equine ancestry.
It then emerged that none of the judges had driven to the event, but all had had to be chauffeured to it because of their poor vision. The chairman of the judges, Mr Jethro Bolitho, pictured on the left, and the only member of the fourteen judges not registered blind (but nonetheless suffering from very poor vision) did claim that he could distinctly perceive some movement when "that girl with the funny voice" came on. "She had to be worth the prize", he said, as he "couldn't see a bleddy thing when they other little maids was supposed to be on their 'osses!"
Outraged parents, all of them sighted, complained when the award was made to Mr Trembath, who, after receiving his prize from the judges, freely confessed to being "the toilet man from Morvah".
ENTY MAY'S PROBLEM PAGE
Readers are invited to seek Enty May's benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body, and human relations in general.
Enty May has a background in long term psychiatric care. Several readers have asked to know more about Enty's background:
Enty May grew up in the White Hart pub in Mount Street, Penzance. Her sensitivity revealed itself early in the squeamishness she displayed at 8 years old when playing "bash the bullcod with a bleddy git stone" down at Larrigan rocks with the other boys.
Popular with the other children because of her ability to lay her hands on fags and drink, she sadly discovered at the age of 7 that this was the only reason for her popularity.
She then became something of a loner, having no friends at Primary School and gaining only the one friend, Denzil "Chalkie" Polkinghorne, later at "Skudjack" school.
It was at the age of 13 that she became "disorientated", and had to enter the Ponsanooth Home for the Badly Confused, her mother refusing to let "my little boy g' wup Bodmin". Weaned off the alcohol and the fags, she (though still living as a boy called Trevor) dimly realised that gender reassignment had to be a part of her future. Long years of introspection followed at the home and eventually she re-emerged into the world as a young woman of 25, where she assumed the name of May and began life as a traffic warden
Enty found that everything fell into place for her after surgery. The experiences of her earlier life and her fulfilling profession as a traffic warden (at Tremethick Cross) over the past 35 years have provided her with insights she is only too ready to share with others. Enty is well equipped to help others who are struggling with life's journey and to give them sound advice. For example:
Alice from Tregeseal writes:
"Dear Enty, I kent seem t' get my pasties crimped proper, they duh sometimes fall apart when in the oven. 'Elpmekennee?"
Enty responds: 'Es my cock, my sparrow -- a lot of people duh 'ave this problem. Easy way to do ov un is to use superglue -- lash un on both sides and ee'll stick proper.
Anonymous from Penalverne Estate, Penzance writes:
"Dear Enty, A friend of mine 'ave noticed that 'is willy 'ave become infected. Is still there, but bits 'ave fallen off. 'Elpunoutkenee?"
Enty responds: Es yo, my bird. I can' 'elp thinking that you duh see this friend when you duh look in the mirror! Never mind, my 'ansome, the answer's the same. Dip un in concentrated sulphuric acid for 5 minutes five times a day for five weeks. After that, one way or t'other, yer problem ul be gone!
Badger Benbow from Marazion writes:
"Dear Enty, I aren't gonna say that I aren't 'appy, but it do 'appen that I aren't as 'appy as I duh dearly like t' be. My wife lef' me las' week an' run off with the milkman an' I'll break 'is bleddy neck, if I duh see un again. I cum 'ome las' night from work and foun' my 'ouse 'ave fall down some bleddy mineshaft. What with one thing an' another, I've 'ad un up to 'ere. Where can I lay me 'ans on some o' they 'appy pills?"
Enty responds: Well, Cap'n, you 'ave bin in the wars, 'ebnee? Never mind, Viagree idn the enswer in this case. All you duh need is the love of a good woman an, guess what, yer luck is in! I aren't doin nuthin tonight and you can give me a call on Penzance 786542 and cum roun' fer a cup tay an a saffern bun. Awright, my bird? I'll be waitin for ee, my luvver!
ADVERTISEMENT
The picture shows Shiner Treglown trying out the Mark 1 model.
This astounding piece of kit is a boon for old folk, who may, for instance, go out for a bit of fresh air down to St. Erth and then become totally disorientated. Programmable by the carer, it issues voice instructions to the walker, helping them get back (to the) home. The option exists for the voice to get increasingly louder and to be accompanied by encouragements such as "You silly old bugger!", if no correct movements are detected. This brilliant device is normally on sale at £7,540 plus VAT.
However, it will be made available to residents of the Relubbus Home at the special price of only £7,535 plus VAT
Billy Spargo, Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), has informed us that the Council are going to hold a raffle for three of these frames, and that tickets costing £350 each will be on sale at Trevaskis Stores in the near future.
GAY NEWS: THE "PINK LANDSHARK"
The Roundup is proud to be able to present the first sneak photograph of Belgian auto designer Willy Bender's design concept car for the gay market, which has been named the Pink Landshark in honour of the famed leading champion of Gay Rights in Cornwall, the otherwise shy and retiring Landshark.
Known to the cognoscenti as an incorrigible habitué of the Goldsithney gay bar scene, the Landshark is an outspoken and indefatigable defender of gay rights. Accordingly, many Goldsithney gays applaud the fact that his dedication to the gay scene has been recognised and honoured by the naming this car after him.
Some have wondered why this fearless protagonist and celebrant of same sex relationships has adopted the unusual name "Landshark". It is indeed a name resonant with meaning. The online dictionary defines as a "landshark" one who swindles sailors on shore. But all the many sailors who are familiar with the "Landshark" have assured that he always reliably gives good value.
No, his name has another provenance. Laughing in the face of prejudice, which sees homosexuality as a "deviation" from the norm, the Landshark wears his name with unabashed, and indeed gay, pride, since for him the "deviation" is as great as it could be and he wishes to trumpet that fact, for when did anyone ever see a shark living on land?
Even in today's world, there are still benighted individuals -- as darkly dim and as rabidly anti-homosexual as the absurdly named, but thankfully late, L. Ron Hubbard -- who would deny gay people equal rights. It is a little known fact that the "L" in L. Ron Hubbard in fact signifies "Landshark" (and not "Lafayette" as some foolish folk believe) -- a little jest on Mother Hubbard's part, perhaps. The Cornish Landshark takes Hubbard's name and turns it against him in his triumphantly gay lifestyle, spiced up with recreational drugs.
All this has now won him the accolade of a Bender car designed in his honour.
Mr Bender's car incorporates many novel design features -- we name but a few:
- The bodywork is fashioned from stretched bubble gum, making the car exceedingly light.
- The vehicle has no standard brakes -- it is operated by pedals, which propel the car forwards. Reverse pedalling swiftly brings the car to a halt.
- All seats have pedals below them so that maximum speeds (38 mph?) can be reached when the car is full and there are five pedallers.
- The absence of engine makes this pink machine in reality also a green machine.
TREVASKIS LANDSHARK MARK II
Available in May! Win one here!
The renowned Cornish automotive engineering firm of Trevaskis, which is now operating out of a secret location in one of the garages (we're not saying which one!) behind Penponds Close in Alverton, Penzance, has teamed up with world famous Liechtenstein auto designer, Rudi Stümpfli, to produce the long-awaited Trevaskis Landshark Mark II.
Roundup Readers besieged us when we recently had an offer on for the world-beating Trevaskis Landshark. It is therefore a matter of pride and joy that we can offer ONE of these much sought after Trevaskis Landshark Mark II mean machines to the winner of a draw. To be eligible for the draw, you must answer the questions below correctly.
As these are hand-crafted machines, it is not likely that many more than 10 will ever be built. Eager readers hoping to get their hands on a Landshark are advised to get in quick!
The prototype featured in the picture above, taken in the Kwop car park in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, has technical specifications that will make the competition weep.
For instance, air conditioning is achieved by cunningly placed gaps in the car's body. At speeds in excess of 180 mph, air flows in and is run past ice cubes (to be placed in the car on hot days), which cool the air down to a deliciously refreshing froideur, which you can enjoy whilst other motorists are roasting. For particularly hot days, the main air intake (on the bonnet) will hold one bucket of ice. The doors take one half bucket of ice each and, if you want to keep your shopping cool in hot weather, you can tip a few buckets of ice into the capacious boot, which is big enough to hold one full shopping bag in addition to the ice. However, it is not just the ice which makes this a cool machine!
The car is fully automatic, having just the one gear. Tested going down Chywoone hill in Newlyn, it achieved speeds in excess of 21 mph. Driving off the summit of the Zugspitze in Germany, in the hands of reliable test driver 85-year-old Takazumi "Kamikaze Ken" Watanabe, it achieved amazing speeds in excess of 100 mph in the rapid descent.
Two windscreen wipers are fitted as standard, as is a water pistol for cleaning the windscreen. In a novel departure from standard automobile construction, there are no windows on the driver's side of the car. This dramatically increases the sensation of speed and dispenses with the need for wasteful sensors to detect temperature and external conditions, as the driver will be well aware of them.
Owners are at liberty to add carpeting to the car to enhance the feel of luxury, if they wish, though the generous cardboarding of the floor area prevents most moisture from entering the car, making the wearing of protective leggings redundant.
The Landshark will be on sale in May in both Relubbus and Liechtenstein. Each hand-built machine will cost only £57,555. However, one of these prized road machines will go -- for free -- to the winner of the draw from names of those who submit correct answers [in valid format**] to the following questions:
1. What is the highest registered downhill speed of the Landshark?
2. What was the name of the valiant test driver, who sacrificed his life testing the Landshark on the Zugspitze descent ?
3. How old was he?
4. What is the retail price of the Landshark?
Send your answers, together with your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope, to the Roundup, c/o the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn. Entries must be accompanied by a 10,000 word poem entitled "I want to get my hands on that bleddy Landshark because..."
** Entries are valid only if accompanied by £5,000 in used notes.
BOOK REVIEWS
By Literary Editor Emily Bindweed
Arseangel, by Robert Harris
The much-anticipated follow-up to Archangel, Arseangel tells the story of Fanny Sprot, a Victorian prostitute who specialises in buttock fetishists. Beautifully written, clearly extensively researched, and recommended to all bum fanciers!
Children's Books
The Naughty Golliwog Returns, by Enid Blyton
More racist fun from Ms Blyton, as the crinkle-haired villain abducts and rapes the pure English Rose doll. But don't worry, redneck Big Ears is on the case! Recommended reading for 16 - 18 year olds.
