GAY NEWS: THE "PINK LANDSHARK"

The Roundup is proud to be able to present the first sneak photograph of Belgian auto designer Willy Bender's design concept car for the gay market, which has been named the Pink Landshark in honour of the famed leading champion of Gay Rights in Cornwall, the otherwise shy and retiring Landshark.

Known to the cognoscenti as an incorrigible habitué of the Goldsithney gay bar scene, the Landshark is an outspoken and indefatigable defender of gay rights. Accordingly, many Goldsithney gays applaud the fact that his dedication to the gay scene has been recognised and honoured by the naming this car after him.

Some have wondered why this fearless protagonist and celebrant of same sex relationships has adopted the unusual name "Landshark". It is indeed a name resonant with meaning. The online dictionary defines as a "landshark" one who swindles sailors on shore. But all the many sailors who are familiar with the "Landshark" have assured that he always reliably gives good value.

No, his name has another provenance. Laughing in the face of prejudice, which sees homosexuality as a "deviation" from the norm, the Landshark wears his name with unabashed, and indeed gay, pride, since for him the "deviation" is as great as it could be and he wishes to trumpet that fact, for when did anyone ever see a shark living on land?

Even in today's world, there are still benighted individuals -- as darkly dim and as rabidly anti-homosexual as the absurdly named, but thankfully late, L. Ron Hubbard -- who would deny gay people equal rights. It is a little known fact that the "L" in L. Ron Hubbard in fact signifies "Landshark" (and not "Lafayette" as some foolish folk believe) -- a little jest on Mother Hubbard's part, perhaps. The Cornish Landshark takes Hubbard's name and turns it against him in his triumphantly gay lifestyle, spiced up with recreational drugs.

All this has now won him the accolade of a Bender car designed in his honour.

Mr Bender's car incorporates many novel design features -- we name but a few:

• The bodywork is fashioned from stretched bubble gum, making the car exceedingly light.
  
• The vehicle has no standard brakes -- it is operated by pedals, which propel the car forwards. Reverse pedalling swiftly brings the car to a halt.
  
• All seats have pedals below them so that maximum speeds (38 mph?) can be reached when the car is full and there are five pedallers.
  
• The absence of engine makes this pink machine in reality also a green machine.

The Bender car will be presented to the Landshark outside his favourite bar in Goldsithney -- the Over Backwards -- next Tuesday at 7.00 pm.

TREVASKIS LANDSHARK MARK II

Available in May! Win one here!

The renowned Cornish automotive engineering firm of Trevaskis, which is now operating out of a secret location in one of the garages (we're not saying which one!) behind Penponds Close in Alverton, Penzance, has teamed up with world famous Liechtenstein auto designer, Rudi Stümpfli, to produce the long-awaited Trevaskis Landshark Mark II.

Roundup Readers besieged us when we recently had an offer on for the world-beating Trevaskis Landshark. It is therefore a matter of pride and joy that we can offer ONE of these much sought after Trevaskis Landshark Mark II mean machines to the winner of a draw. To be eligible for the draw, you must answer the questions below correctly.

As these are hand-crafted machines, it is not likely that many more than 10 will ever be built. Eager readers hoping to get their hands on a Landshark are advised to get in quick!

The prototype featured in the picture above, taken in the Kwop car park in Vaduz, Liechtenstein, has technical specifications that will make the competition weep.

For instance, air conditioning is achieved by cunningly placed gaps in the car's body. At speeds in excess of 180 mph, air flows in and is run past ice cubes (to be placed in the car on hot days), which cool the air down to a deliciously refreshing froideur, which you can enjoy whilst other motorists are roasting. For particularly hot days, the main air intake (on the bonnet) will hold one bucket of ice. The doors take one half bucket of ice each and, if you want to keep your shopping cool in hot weather, you can tip a few buckets of ice into the capacious boot, which is big enough to hold one full shopping bag in addition to the ice. However, it is not just the ice which makes this a cool machine!

The car is fully automatic, having just the one gear. Tested going down Chywoone hill in Newlyn, it achieved speeds in excess of 21 mph. Driving off the summit of the Zugspitze in Germany, in the hands of reliable test driver 85-year-old Takazumi "Kamikaze Ken" Watanabe, it achieved amazing speeds in excess of 100 mph in the rapid descent.

Two windscreen wipers are fitted as standard, as is a water pistol for cleaning the windscreen. In a novel departure from standard automobile construction, there are no windows on the driver's side of the car. This dramatically increases the sensation of speed and dispenses with the need for wasteful sensors to detect temperature and external conditions, as the driver will be well aware of them.

Owners are at liberty to add carpeting to the car to enhance the feel of luxury, if they wish, though the generous cardboarding of the floor area prevents most moisture from entering the car, making the wearing of protective leggings redundant.

The Landshark will be on sale in May in both Relubbus and Liechtenstein. Each hand-built machine will cost only £57,555. However, one of these prized road machines will go -- for free -- to the winner of the draw from names of those who submit correct answers [in valid format**] to the following questions:

1. What is the highest registered downhill speed of the Landshark?

2. What was the name of the valiant test driver, who sacrificed his life testing the Landshark on the Zugspitze descent ?

3. How old was he?

4. What is the retail price of the Landshark?

Send your answers, together with your name and address and a stamped addressed envelope, to the Roundup, c/o the Swordfish Inn, Newlyn. Entries must be accompanied by a 10,000 word poem entitled "I want to get my hands on that bleddy Landshark because..."

** Entries are valid only if accompanied by £5,000 in used notes.
BOOK REVIEWS
By Literary Editor Emily Bindweed

Arseangel, by Robert Harris

The much-anticipated follow-up to Archangel, Arseangel tells the story of Fanny Sprot, a Victorian prostitute who specialises in buttock fetishists. Beautifully written, clearly extensively researched, and recommended to all bum fanciers!

Children's Books

The Naughty Golliwog Returns, by Enid Blyton

More racist fun from Ms Blyton, as the crinkle-haired villain abducts and rapes the pure English Rose doll. But don't worry, redneck Big Ears is on the case! Recommended reading for 16 - 18 year olds.

MOTHER'S DAY TREATS!

How to spoil your Mum on Mother's Day. A review of what's available in the Relubbus area, researched by Kezia Bowden

Let the Roundup help you give your Mum something unusual, which she won't easily forget! Here are some ideas:

Romantic Sing song with 'Fats' Clemo, the internationally acclaimed Rosudgeon singer.

For a modest outlay on your part of only £2.47, Fats will come round to your Mum's house and sing "lovesongs through the letterbox" for not less than 3 minutes.

For an extra £5.35, he will hand your Mum a posy of flowers he has picked himself, probably from her garden.

For a further £35, he will come in and eat a meal cooked by your Mum (provided that said meal contains at least 4 courses). Finally, for an additional £50, he will bring a bottle of sparkling St Buryan white and drink it in front of your Mum.



Treat your Mum to a hairstyling session she will never forget! 43-year-old Derek Tonkin (shown here on the left) suffered from a rapidly receding hairline, before he was sent to Master Tregonning's, the world famous Ludgvan hairstylist, by his Mum.

He came out with a nearly full head of purple hair and says he now feels like a new woman.

Just think, if the Master can do this for Derek, just what can he do for your Mum!

10 minute coiffuring sessions in the presence of the Master cost £369 plus VAT, but as plasterer Derek says, it was "worth every penny ob 'n!".

Teat your Mum to an intimate massage session with Denzil ("I'm a pushover really") Tiger Trevains.

Denzil (39), from Pendeen, may be a florist by day, but by night (or evening, at any rate) he is the dispenser of the most soothing massage this side of Ludgvan. His clawed hands leave virtually no trace and little blood as he tickles incision after incision into the backs of his patients.

Denzil is available for home visits and will arrive at your home on a tandem with his 98 year-old dad, 'Arry, who hums relaxing music whilst his son performs the massage. Denzil performs for £30 per half hour session, inclusive of the £5 beer money for his Dad's humming.

Treat your Mum to a pair of hobnail boots, as engineered by the Boot King of Madron himself, Itchy Polglaze. Everyone knows that women love their shoes, so just think of the impact you would have by presenting your Mum with something a little different, a pair of Itchy's boots. Made according to the highest standards of what must now be sadly seen as a dying craft, these boots will fit almost like a glove* and they will certainly be the talk of all of your Mum's friends. They can be worn as easily with a ballgown as with a short skirt. They can be worn to the theatre, to the dance floor, and to the tennis court. They will last for decades! They can be your Mum's for as little as £799.99 plus VAT. Go on, you have only got one Mum, so let her know you really care, by giving her hobnailed boots.
* after being "worn in" for a couple of years

For an unusual gift, just take your Mum down to Praa Sands and let her have a camel ride on Cornwall's only three-legged camel, Alfonso! Although he is normally the star of the Relubbus International Circus (he lost one leg in an unfortunate fall from the trapeze four years ago), Alfonso delights in taking people for a ride. Seen here refusing to get up until the lady pays the full fare, Alfonso will give your Mum a ride for a mere £135 for 10 minutes (including photo, which he will sign with his own hoof!).



Does your Mum like fun? Is she up for a laugh? Then buy her some of Risky Bosallow's "But Is It Chocolate?" range.

Risky is the renowned Gurnard's Head chocolatier with a difference. The subtleties of his chocolate are the stuff of legend and he counts all the crowned heads of Europe as his customers.

A man of restless talents, he has now devised a new "But Is It Chocolate?" range. 75% of the goods sold under this brand are fashioned from the finest natural products available and are indeed made of chocolate. The remaining 25% is fashioned from assorted freely available natural (waste) products. The fun in buying from the "Is It?" range is that you have no idea what is in the box. It could be all chocolate or it could be made from another substance. Much more likely, you will get a mix, which can only add to the fun and suspense. Go on -- spoil her -- a box of 15 pieces costs just £95!

Give her a Gerald Tonkin Handkerchief! Tonkin has been a collector of used handkerchiefs from the stars for over 40 years. Now he is prepared to sell some of his huge collection. The hankies are unwashed and contain genuine body fluids of the named stars. So, if your Mum swoons at the mere mention of John Wayne, Tom Jones, or Eric Addicoat, now you can offer her a little trace of her hero.

There are thousands of hankies in stock, so you will not be disappointed with super gifts at prices you can afford. For example, a John Wayne noseblow is only £5.45; or there's Eric Addicoat ear wax, at £3.75. Don't delay, make Mum happy today!

'CAMILLA IS A KLEPTO' CLAIM!

Lily Nichols, the ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe who has convinced large sections of the English press that she is in fact "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall", was involved in an embarrassing incident on Tuesday when she opened the new Trevaskis superstore at Long Rock.

This was the first time that Lily has undertaken an engagement in her native Cornwall: up to now, she has always declined Cornish engagements, for fear that she might be recognised by a passing Perranuthnoe resident with a long memory. As events were to prove, it was a precaution that Lily may regret having abandoned.

As the "Duchess" arrived at the store, she was greeted by a vast crowd of five (and one dog) that lined the streets. Royalists in the crowd cheered and clapped and waved Union flags. A Cornish Nationalist shouted "Kernow Kensa! Bugger off!" The dog was silent.

The Duchess is shown above, being escorted around the aisles of the new store by the store owner, multi-billionaire Mr W.G. Trevaskis, whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall.

Ace Roundup photographer "Snapper" Kelynack has captured the exact moment when "Camilla", having lifted a bar of chocolate from one of the counter displays, surreptitiously began to eat it, with Mr Trevaskis, following behind, none the wiser.

Worse was to follow. As Camilla left the store, an alarm was suddenly triggered, which seemed to emanate from the Duchess. It was very loud and very persistent. The crowd that lined the pavements fell silent in shock. The noise droned on.

Suddenly, two large security women appeared. Perhaps unaware of the identity of the "Duchess", or perhaps called, notwithstanding her celebrity, by Mr Trevaskis (whose meanness is a legend in West Cornwall), they seized the Duchess and frisked her. A succession of objects fell to the ground -- a box of biscuits, more chocolate, a half-bottle of gin. The crowd looked on in horror.

Then a passing Perranuthnoe resident (with a long memory) called out "'Ow are 'ee, Lily me 'ansum? I'd a knawed 'ee anywhere! Still lika bitta gin, I see!" Camilla's embarrassment was complete!

'CHICKEN ALIEN' CONFESSES TO ROUNDUP

Picture by Bathtime Botheras

In newspaper publishing parlance, this story represents a "scoop". On the left is a picture of Xaxtec -- the alien with a distinct chicken appearance -- that landed last week in a field not far from the Merry Maidens.

It goes without saying that it was the Roundup's award-winning reporting duo of Jimmy Oppy (the man with the pencil) and Bathtime Botheras (the man with the camera) who, with the customary screech of bicycle brakes, were first on the scene, when Xaxtec's landing craft (the coop) touched down.

Jimmy and Bathtime's sense of ridicule at talking with a chicken was fully matched by Xaxtec's horror at having to converse with "Zezigorrups", a form of fast food on his home planet. Scarcely able to conceal his revulsion at having to engage in conversation with a form of food for the masses back home, Xaxtec explained that, on his home planet, Klucktup, beings called Zezzigorrups -- which look EXACTLY like us -- are bred in disgusting battery farms and fed to the masses.

Having made that admission, he clucked a bit and went on to say that it was only the flesh on the left hand's little finger that was regarded as the edible part of the Zezigorrup -- the rest was incinerated as a cheap form of fuel.

Jimmy and Bathtime had now reached the point where they could have happily given "that chicken a damned good kicking", but then Xaxtec went on to ask just how surprised we would be if a Big Mac turned round to talk to us. That was exactly how he felt at being addressed by Zezigorrups.

Both being members of the Zennor Philosophical Society, Jimmy and Bathtime were -- only just -- able to get their heads round the idea of extending this conversation with the chicken.

They told Xaxtec that here -- on Earth -- beings that looked exactly like him were called "chickens" and that these "chickens" were also bred in battery farms and eaten -- in their entirety, apart from their heads, claws, bones, and feathers -- all of which were rendered down to create "chicken flavour".

This news resulted in enraged and agitated clucking on the part of Xaxtec, who couldn't get over the fact that some people here actually eat the "parson's nose"! "What?!" he cried, "They would eat my bum?! These 'people' are animals!"

Xaxtec asked Jimmy and Bathtime to convey his best wishes (and humble apologies) to humankind, then he turned back to the coop and disappeared back into space. He left a "spell' on our reporting duo, who were cast into a mysterious stupor, from which they recovered only the next morning, finding themselves miraculously transposed into a lying position in front of the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn.

'BLUEWATER'-STYLE DEVELOPMENT FOR NEWLYN

By Newlyn correspondent Horton Tregarthen

Following recent lengthy discussions on the subject within the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), it has now come to light that the National Trust no longer wishes to pursue the idea of a Bluewater-style development on St. Michael's Mount. Apparently, it is felt that such a development would not, after all, be in keeping with the conservation aims of the Trust.

Some might, therefore, find it surprising that the Trust has decided to grant Reynolds Homes on Wheels permission to site some 20,000 caravans on the Mount. The Director General of the National Trust, ex pin-up model and page three girl, voluptuous Fiona Reynolds, was not available for comment when the Roundup attempted to discuss the subject in a reversed charges call.

However, when one door closes, another often opens and that has indeed been the case with the "Bluewater" development. In a surprise move, the Wherrytown Urban Council, under the inspired leadership of His Excellency the very Reverend Lord Beachfield, has offered the Bluewater management a site at Newlyn Green. Given the comparative shortage of parking around what is now known as the boating pool, some might doubt the chances of success for an 80 megastore development in the area. However, Lord Beachfield himself, when questioned on the subject, dismissed such observations with an angry wave of the hand: "There's plenty of parking for 30,000 cars up Chywoone Hill -- open your eyes, man!"

Lord Beachfield's secretary, Mr Donnington Rowe, who himself lives up Chywoone hill, amplified his Lordship's comments by explaining that the boating pool will be drained to enable the erection of a substantial 18-storey car park there. Whilst some locals have spoken out against the possibility of any such substantial erection in the area, it would seem that the majority are unmoved by the news, whilst a few, notably Mrs Agnes Daniel (94), positively welcome the idea.

The plans are at an advanced stage. The picture on the left shows the boating pool and nearby houses -- all of which will disappear before September of this year as foundations are laid for the car park.

The picture on the right shows the design of the new shoppers' bridge that will span the current main road, which will be flooded to the sea. In fact the sea between here and Newlyn harbour will be contained behind a new 200-metre-high sea wall, creating a lake. The megastores will be sited in the 'lake' and shoppers will journey from one destination to the next via gondola, therby creating a neat little sideline for Newlyn fishermen.

The considerable cost of this development -- believed to amount to something the wrong side of £500 million -- will be borne by Wherrytown rate payers, until retailers can be persuaded to come in to rent the premises.

Miss Tryphena Spargo-Spargo has indicated that her Uncle Billy (leader of the GRUC) is not a happy man at present. Having favoured the Bluewater-style development of St Michael's Mount, he now feels somewhat cheated by "that bleddy NT", whose plans for the caravanisation of the Mount seem to be merely copying and potentially spoiling GRUC's plans for the caravanisation of Mount Relubbus. He is further angered by "they buggers at Wherrytown and that stiuck-up arse 'ole Beachfield", who have lured the retail development around to their side of Mounts Bay.

An interesting situation will present itself tomorrow evening when guests of honour at the Sunday service of the Alexandra Road Methodist Chapel (just opposite Penzance's first lesbian B&B) will be none other than Lord Beachfield and Billy Spargo. Watch this space!
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