UPPER TOWANS SALE TRIGGERS REACTIONS AROUND CORNWALL

The sale of Upper Towans beach in Gwithian for the huge sum of £80,000 to a mystery buyer, widely believed by locals to be a complete idiot and sucker ‘extraordinaire’, has set tongues wagging.

The primary advantage of ownership seems to be the ability to point at the beach, and say “I own that beach, I do!” whilst holidaymakers surge past, completely ignoring you, with dismissive words such as “Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

There are no usual proprietorial rights. Indeed there are restrictive covenants, the most surprising of which are that 'ownership extends only to that portion of the Towans which is covered by water' and that 'ownership is only enjoyed when the water is frozen’. The sale of such paltry ownership rights for such a high price is a breathtaking triumph for the Economic Ministry of the People’s Republic of Hayle.

Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), ruler of the rogue state that is The People’s Republic of Hayle, is believed to have encouraged the sale, the proceeds of which are said to flow straight into his personal coffers.

Ventongimps is a sad and extremely reluctant exponent of the art of ‘combover’, after four failed, but very expensive, hair transplants undertaken outside the People’s Republic at the famed Norton Clinic in Relubbus. With £80,000 now at his disposal, he is rumoured to be set on ‘blowing the lot’ at the Norton.

With this frankly wholly unexpected sales success, it is expected that similar sales will be tried in respect of the whole of Hayle’s Three Miles of Golden Sands’, particularly with the gullible purchaser of Upper Towans, who, the Roundup can exclusively reveal, is none other than Madonna.

This amazing sale has given rise to a plethora of other ‘special offers’ in respect of the Cornish seaside and coast, dreamed up by hopeful locals, seeking to transform their finances.

Mounts Bay (Airspace) Extremely Limited is to sell the entire airspace above Mounts Bay from a height of 75 feet above the sea to a height of 80 feet above the sea for the astronomical sum of £48,000,000. Eager billionaires eager to get any slice of Cornwall are believed to be queuing up to be able to bid for the exclusive ownership rights of this huge airspace.

Spokesman for the vendor company, Denzil Trevains (47 and believed to be a descendant of the famed Cornish enetertainer "Banjo Trevains", pictured left), who until now has made a living as an ice cream salesman in the summer months, said, “This is a one-off opportunity to own a vast tract of airspace over a beautiful part of Cornwall. The owners will be able to charge seabirds – and there are many – every time they fly across it, so the earnings potential is huge!”

Other Cornish beaches rumoured to be likely to be sold – on copycat conditions of the Upper Towans sale – are Porthmeor, Gwenver, Porthtowan, Porthminster (pictured) and Sennen. Part of the deal will be a teashirt with the words “I own this beach, I do!” printed on the front. On the back, the Kernewek word GOKY will be printed in large letters.

The Roundup will report further on this developing story.

POLGLAZE ON CLIMATE, CHARLES AND CORNWALL

The eminent scientist, environmentalist, amateur fireman and President of the Relubbus Institute for Earth Sciences, Professor Madron Polglaze (121), has requested space in the august columns of the Roundup to pass comment on the recent speech by His Eariness the Duke of Cornwall on action to combat climate change.

The Roundup is honoured to make space available to this aged, but esteemed and venerable Relubbus academic (pictured here 60 years ago on his honeymoon in Finland with his civil partner – Professor Polglaze is the one with the speaking trumpet).

Whispering softly, but with passion, through his speaking trumpet, the great man said:

“Charles of Cornwall has made a statement to the effect that the Earth has only 96 more months in which to take effective action to combat Climate Change.

"You may well be asking “Just how does he know? Why is it not 95, 97 or 197?

"The answer is very easy. This man who would be king not only talks to plants, he also talks to little green men.

"These are strange little aliens (pictured left) with fanciful names like Porritt (Hobbit?) and Juniper.

"Many believe that, because of their spontaneous spitefulness, they are related to piskies, although they are clearly distinguished from true piskey folk by what psychiatrists have termed “the saviour complex”.

"These poor sad smug deluded ones have long believed that they alone have Flash Gordon solutions to save the Earth.

"Accessing universally available data on climate change and other environmental perils (data which is only contested by the severely mentally challenged, such as Clarkson), they have divined that they alone have the solutions.

"Such solutions involve other people doing exactly what they feel like telling them to do. However, if you are a saviour you need to be able to get your message across, and so they look for a means of transmission.

"With this aim in view, they then espy him - the man always desperately looking for a mission – the man with a life on his hands, looking for something to do, the man who wrings those hands and grins apologetically from one elephantine ear to the other for being there, the man looking for a purpose.

"Curiously, he is also the man who will do what ‘they’ tell him – as he has always been surrounded by those who tell him what to do and say. However, he is also the man whose titles make certain other recognition-thirsty folk listen. So how effective a person can he be in calling on others to make drastic change?

"Unlike most people on the Earth, Duke Charles is surrounded by many obvious signs of profligate opulence. He has, for instance, not one, not two, not three, but FOUR residences – all fit for a prince: Clarence House in London, Highgrove in Gloucestershire, Birkhall in Scotland and Llwynywermod in Wales.

"(His Dukeship can be seen in the attached photo uncharacteristically smoking a Havana cigar, whilst inspecting his new property acquisition with “one’s latest squeeze”).

"He is a travelling man with a fleet of vehicles, a world-beating air miles collection and a host of followers. He is a man with many servants and even more lackeys (defined as people, almost always folk of economic substance, who have somehow climbed the greasy pole whilst elbowing others off, folk who choose to defer and demean themselves in his presence in the hope of mere approval.)

"However, if you examine his direct (and indirect) environmental footprint, it is greater than that of almost any other person on this planet!

"Of course, the fawning, deluded little alien lackey boys ignore this fact completely.

"So how can this poor man redeem himself? Firstly, he should leave the matter of climate change and solutions to the United Nations. Global problems demand global solutions and, for the first time, we have a man in the White House who can deliver commitment on international agreements.

"Secondly – and remember we are speaking of redemption here – he should remember his wife’s title – Duchess of Cornwall. He should also remember that the only public place in which he and she first got a real welcome was in Cornwall – on the Isles of Scilly. He should recall his own title – Duke of Cornwall – and he should put his weight behind the recognition of Cornwall’s special claims, its nationhood, by campaigning for it to be granted the self-government it deserves, no less than its cousin nations of Wales and Scotland.”

121 is a good age. However, it is still sad for us to report that, after making this heartfelt plea, Professor Polglaze expired his last.

EVER THOUGHT OF BECOMING A SPY, AVEE?

In a firm and daring break with the past, the Relubbus Intelligence Agencies, known as LI5 and LI6, have contacted the Relubbus Roundup in order to attract new members of staff. In the past, recruitment to these mysterious, much-feared and highly secretive agencies was made by personal approach only.

No ordinary citizens have been able to gain entry to their formidable building situated on the River Lowen on the outskirts of Relubbus towards Prospidnick.

LI 5 (Local Intelligence 5 or sometimes just ‘five’) is concerned with identifying and containing threats within Relubbus, working closely with the Relubbus police.

LI 6 (also known as the Very Secret Intelligent Service (VSIS) or ‘six’) conducts all operations outside Relubbus and frequently works closely with the officers of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC).
Both agencies come under the direct control of one ‘Donkey’ Clemo, who can, according to his wife’s recent surprise and quickly removed entry in Facebook, frequently be found drinking in the Bath Inn, Penzance (pictured left). ‘Donkey’ is the only known name amongst the employees of the agencies.

Six new recruits – three for each agency – will be required in this year’s intake. The rewards for getting through the arduous selection process are well worthwhile.

Trainee spies are given a generous starting salary of £9,500, rising to £10,500 in little over 15 years.

Each spy receives a free notebook and pencil. They also receive an overcoat with large lapels and a trilby hat (as on the left)to help avoid being recognised.

Furthermore they are also equipped with a free pair of sunglasses.

However these are no ordinary sunglasses. These special ones (obtained from Bosher Thomas' sweetshop in Penzance) contain an earpiece and a microphone so that, once small enough batteries have been invented and can be fitted, clandestine conversations will be possible.

As a last ‘clinching’ inducement to sign up, all employees are given a special storecard, which entitles them each month to £30 worth of goods from RC Oates Very Basic Essentials range.

But, in order to earn this treasure trove of goodies, just what do the candidates have to be able to offer? A special sort of person is sought for Secret Service work and they must be able to demonstrate the following:

Linguistic Skills. ‘Goin down Newlyn’ or ‘over Newlyn’??!!! (pictured here in a beautiful photograph taken by an operayive of the Relubbus Secret Services).

An acute ear for correct Cornish Speech is imperative, if one is to be able to both blend in with the population and flush out spies.

(Only last year an English spy was stupid enough to get caught trying to go ‘down St Just’ from Penzance!!!!!)

Mobility. Candidates are required to be able to move around Cornwall both quickly and unobserved. They would be required to be able to recall the British Rail timetable for the WHOLE of Cornwall and to quote chapter and verse on all Western National Bus Schedules.

(In ‘six’, employees are working outside Cornwall and candidates should also be aware that they might be called upon to undertake a clandestine tour of service in hostile environments such as the People’s Republic of Hayle).

Practical tradecraft skills. For obvious reasons, not too much information is given out on this subject, but the following gives a flavour of required skills:

Ability to repair a bicycle puncture – without light – in the pitch dark.

Ability to be able to sneak up on people unobserved.

Ability to ‘take out’ the pencil and write detailed and coherent notes in the notebook – in all weathers - without being observed. Being able to accurately describe how people look, behave and smell.

Unarmed combat. Candidates should be able to give a convincing rendition of the traditional Cornish challenge “Lookin fer a smack in the mouth, areee?”

Candidates should be aware that, should they be successful, they will immediately be required to attend an intensive 2 day training course at a secret underground installation at Wheal Cock, near Botallack (pictured left). They should therefore turn up with a pasty large enough to sustain them for that period of time.

Anyone interested in joining the Relubbus Secret Services should report – in person – at 9.00 am sharp next Tuesday at the Benefit Offices next to Orlando Angove’s Pet Shop, 23, Boswedden Lane, Relubbus.

Candidates should ‘blend in’ with the waiting customers of the Benefits Office, but are advised to wear one brown and one black shoe to aid identification. (One legged applicants are asked to wear one white shoe.)

SPOTLIGHT ON UNUSUAL RELUBBUS SOCIETIES

“If you are tired of Relubbus, you are tired of life”. Thus spake the venerable GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, (107) himself.

One way in which the words of His Inimitable Eminence can be found to be true is in the richness of Relubbus cultural life.

There are 4,576 different societies you can join in Greater Relubbus. The Roundup has been invited to put the spotlight on just a few of the most unusual clubs so as to project an accurate picture of the rich diversity of Relubbus life. If you want more information of any of these just phone the Roundup on Relubbus 212121.

GAY TANDEM RIDERS CLUB

Can you ride tandem? The Gay Tandem Riders Club has 135 members. They are all highly skilled in the handling of the tandem and present a merry sight when they process down Boswedden Lane on Pride Day.

As their numbers indicate, they are one man short, so if you fancy getting behind Denzil Trembath, he says there’s a place on his tandem for you!

Respecting new Relubbus diversity legislation, membership is now also open to non-gay couples.

WICCAN TOGETHERNESS

A common misconception about Wiccans is that they are all complete nutters. If that is what you think, then Ron and Doris Penberthy (a young married couple from Goldsithney, who like to call themselves 'The long and the short of Wicca') are just waiting to prove you wrong.

Undaunted by her powerful lisp, Doris gushed enthusiastically, “when me an Ron duh get ‘ome frum work, we duh put on the mystic smoke frum they incense things and then we duh ‘ava go at conjuring up things.

I made all the costumes myself and I’ll make up sum new ones fer all they people what duh want to join we after seein’ this ‘ere!”

YOUNG WOMEN’S UNDERWATER FARTING CLUB

Sub-aquan intestinal gas expulsion is a strenuous and demanding sport, which requires both self-control and great skill. However, when it is executed correctly (as demonstrated here by Rebecca Tonkin), it is both graceful and eye-catching.

The exclusive Relubbus young women’s Underwater Farting Club (UFC) limits its full membership to just six lucky young women and accordingly has a waiting list of 1,207 arranged in 6 categories of ascending competence.

When a vacancy occurs (there is an upper age limit of 23!), an audition is held amongst the top twenty in category one.

It may seem strange to apply to such an oversubscribed club, but it enjoys an inordinately high status and even the high category ‘waiters’ are often boastful about their position.

YOUNG MAN’S ANAL PYROTECHNIC CLUB

Don’t try this at home!!

This club, which is open to young men only, grew out of a dare following a heavy curry night amongst rugby fan friends.

The resultant displays were so impressive that the club was set up to hone the required skills.

Club captain, Dickie “blaster” Clemo is pictured here displaying his hallmark 5 minute ‘blaze’, an acknowledged record in anal pyrotechnics.

TREGAVARAH OPEN AIR TOILETEERS

Human history has, bar the last few thousand years been played out entirely in the open. It is therefore not surprising that some, such as Bert Prat of Heamoor, find it refreshing to be able to live out some of their lives in the open air.

Toileteering in the open air started off as an occasional pleasure for Bert, but now it is part of his daily life. To be able to sit out back, enjoy a bottle of beer, chat on the ‘phone to friends whilst performing a necessary and natural function “seems kinda right to me”, he says in his almost convincing American accent.

You are welcome to call round at Bert’s and try out outside toileteering for yourself.

If you like it, Bert will help you with the necessary plumbing and give you coaching in speaking with an American accent.

PROSPIDNICK YODELLING CLUB

Yodelling is an art most often associated with the Alpine regions, but many will be surprised to discover that it has long been practised in Prospidnick, which lies at the foot of towering snow-capped Mount Relubbus.

Ned Trezise, club leader, is a member of one of the oldest families in Prospidnick, who first came here from Africa around 12,000 years ago. Photographed here in mid-yodel, Ned will look forward to meeting anyone who would like to join the 600 strong club.

GOLDSITHNEY YOUNG NUDE MALE’S KNITTING CIRCLE

Lenny Wakfer (21) is so far the only, but very enthusiastic, member of this somewhat unusual club. It is open to any nude males in Goldsithney who have achieved high skill levels in knitting.

However, Lenny has pointed out that, should no one come forward, he would be happy to change the primary activity of the club to something a little more manly such as fishing or hang-gliding.


MRS TINK’S ICELANDIC FLOWER-ARRANGING CLASS

Gladys Tink would like to welcome anyone interested to attend a taster evening in her Icelandic flower-arranging class.

To those who might find this idea daunting, she points out that the flower-arranging is pretty much like flower-arranging anywhere, but she also admits that mastering the Icelandic does take a bit of hard work.

“It took me 14 years to get my conversational Icelandic up to scratch, but I find it so rewarding to be able to call my flowers by their proper Icelandic names and to be able to chat away about all the latest gossip. I can’t wait for others to join me!” (Mrs Tink does warn that her house sadly does not permit wheelchair access).

TREMETHICK BLASTS UNITARY AUTHORITY! ROUNDUP UNCOVERS SAD TRUTH ABOUT CALL CENTRE!!

Professor Tristan Tremethick (87) President of the Relubbus Institute for the Study of Democracy and Contemporary Society has spoken out in damning terms about the introduction of the Unitary Authority in Cornwall.

He describes the advent of the Authority as “another sorry milestone step down the sad trail of the complete disappearance of Cornish identity”.

Tremethick, a Prospidnick-born academic of deservedly high international repute, has always been noted in the past for the moderate expression of his globally valued points of view.

However, now he says, ”I am too old to bother to dress my views in the decent clothing of moderate speech. The time for that is, passed.

Now it is time for those views to be seen naked and nude – for them to be heard loud and clear, for I sound the bell of the very disappearance of the Cornish! Kevin Lavery heralds Cornwall’s slavery”.

Tremethick condemns the coming of the authority and turns the full power of his formidable analytical and prophetic mind to where its introduction will lead us.

He avers that others apart from the Cornish population (who voted clearly for retention of the district councils) have determined that the population of Cornwall does not need to be heard. Those others have also determined that the needs of Cornwall can be better met by just one council.

So, he concludes, the will of the Cornish people was ignored. So, he finds, there was no democracy in this big decision. Where the will of the people is ignored, you have dictatorship. Where you have the voiceless governed by dictators, you have slavery.

He further points out that not only does this new governmental arrangement lack democratic foundation, it also lacks functional effectiveness. The Council becomes physically far more remote from the people it “serves”.

The Roundup has taken the lead from Professor Tremethick and asked the new Council whether it is not more remote from the people of Cornwall than were the District Councils, which made district administration answerable to the people of the district.

The new Unitary Authority has declared that this remoteness will simply not occur.

Its new spokesman (pictured left) I M Sawson (42) imported from Buckinghamshire on a salary of £80,000 stated, “We are going to introduce a 24 hour call centre to deal with any queries anyone may have about any of the workings of the new council. Their calls will naturally be very important to us.”

When pressed several times to reveal in which part of Cornwall the call centre would be, the small-voiced response came back from Mr Sawson that the call centre was being set up in Bangalore in India ‘to save Cornish people money’.

All two of the staff at the call centre (pictured left) would be fully trained in the ways of the Cornish, Mr Sawson assured us.

Asked whether the calls would cost any more than a local call, Mr Sawson snorted and laughed derisively, pointing out that a call to India could hardly be classed as a local call.

He stated that calls would be charged at no more than £2.37 per minute and that keeping waiting times below 20 minutes would be a high priority during the first five years of operation. He further added that the Council was fully aware that some people in Cornwall would like to speak a language other than English and gleefully pointed out that now they could try out their Hindi.

For his part, Professor Tremethick sees further dark developments following on from the introduction of the Unitary authority. He says

“When the nationhood of Cornwall is ignored in this manner, it will only be a matter of time until Cornwall is subsumed into a greater Corn-Devonwall in the interests of containing costs and of providing a better service to the consumer. The Council would then be located in Exeter.

Thereafter, it is a matter of yet a little more time and then we shall even see Corn-Devonwall subsumed into a yet greater unit called Swengland to be ruled from Bristol.”

Tremethick states that no one can stop this inevitable outcome – no one, that is, except the people of Cornwall, if they develop a strong enough will and a loud enough voice.

DUCHY'S SURPRISE UNDERGROUND RAIL NETWORK FOR CORNWALL!!

Roundup Reporters have uncovered a secret plan hatched by the Duchy of Seine Königliche Hoheit Prinz Karl von Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to open an underground rail network in Cornwall in order to relieve road traffic pressures above ground.

The secret plan is already in an advanced stage of preparation with numerous routes already built, including the West Penwith line.

The picture on the left is taken in the tunnel on the Zennor-Pendeen section of the line, which is now complete.

The trains will use a completely new type of technology code-named ZGB (believed to stand for Zero Gravity Bullet). This permits very high speeds without passengers experiencing any sensation of high speed travel.

According to design engineer, Trenwith Polglaze (36), of Goldsithney,(who will now sadly lose his job for talking to us), “the doors duh jes’ shut and open without you moving at all, but when they do open, you see that you are in the next station – it’s magic!”

A secret document shows the proposed journey times between certain destinations. The Zennor-Pendeen section will take just 2 minutes, whilst the stretch from Pendeen to St Just will take a mere 60 seconds. The extensive network is likely to see many people doing away with their cars for good.

Whilst the new underground system is now likely to be warmly welcomed by most of those who live in and visit Cornwall, it is also sadly likely to fuel the flames of controversy.

Firstly, property prices are clearly set to shoot up in those places on the underground route, whilst those hamlets and towns not on the route must reckon with a plummeting fall in property prices.

This can be seen on the attached map, where the West Penwith line leaves Sennen and moves directly to Mousehole, completely bypassing St Buryan. This will be a severe blow to those living in St Buryan, and a particularly cruel blow to any,who might have just moved there recently.

A second source of controversy lies in the fact that some businesses are more conveniently located near to stops than others. For instance, RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus is right next to one of the 25 stations in Relubbus, whereas Morrisons and Tescos in Penzance are some way from the nearest stop, which is at Gems Salon, Poltair Close, Heamoor. Similarly Shelley’s Hair and Beauty in St Just is likely to receive a boost by being located to one of the 6 stops in St Just.

Leaving aside the many controversies, most people are likely to be pleased by the provision of this advanced travel facility.

Many people will be wondering why the Prinz should be making such a gesture to the people of Cornwall. The Roundup has acquired a copy of a tape in which Seine Hoheit explains his actions thus to one of his aristocratic advisers, Heini von Porridge (both pictured here):

Seine Hoheit: “Heini, I haff all my life taken £ millions every year from ze Cornisch. Mein Gott, Zey might be counting!

Now MPs and even ze BBC are giving beck expenses, I sought zat I should give ze Cornish somesink beck. Now I can say zat I haff been takin ze Cornisch millions so zat I could give zem a Underground railway!!””

Heini Porridge: “Exzellent, O mein Prinz! You can also say zat it is good for ze environment – far fewer cars – etcetera!”

Having his whole life long taken huge sums of money as a landlord from one the poorest areas of the UK, the people of Kernow can now expect the Prinz and his Duchy to present them with their brand new Underground railway. If not, just what has he been doing with the money? Shall we count the millions???!!